In this journey

In this journey, many things are expected to pop up. Oh, how they have. How do I tell of all the things that have happened during this time? Since my last posting, my breast has been hurting me. Yes, the pain of this all is coming to the front and the angst of having to repeat all of this has been at my forefront. I had to make another appointment to have another mammogram completed. And what they found was hard to hear, but still very good news. I have fluid building up behind the surgical site and it is creating pressure within my breast. Ok. Everything else is benign. That is good news. But the entire aspect of having to get into the machine again was very difficult. Being touched and squeezed and man-handled again was stressful. But, I did it. I was told that the only way to relieve the pressure of the fluid buildup was to have a needle reduction. The fluid would have to be withdrawn from my breast and it had to be done in the facility. Ok. This is a huge issue for me. I did ask for anesthetic and they did reassure me that this would be completed with anesthetic. When I had had the biopsy, there was no anesthetic. This was enough for me to be overwhelmed. I had cried for the remainder of the night. I had to go to urgent care because of my tension headache and migraine. I have new meds for that now. But, the doc wanted me to be able to get some fluids and to sit there while I was helped. But, I would need to have a ride home. Oh, that was the topper. A ride home. I am a single person with no family here and there are little persons to help out with the ride home. I had to refuse treatment because I had had no ride home. When I had gotten home, I made sure to take some of my other meds and then from there was able to sleep for a while and get a better night sleep. But, the angst of it all was enough. 

So, now my associate pastor DS wants to know more about what I have been through. So, this weekend, I have spent a lot of time looking through information. I hope that the information that I have will be enough to express to him just how I have been feeling. I want him to share it with his wife and others so they can learn. Too, I have printed up stuff for him regarding rape trauma syndrome. This will be interesting reading. I hope that he will be able to get through it. I really do want someone to understand what I have been going through. I really do want someone to understand what I have had to undergo this past couple of years. It really is not horrible.  

I really do want others to understand. I have no intention of being that difficult. But, it is good to have an explanation as to why I am working so hard to have everyone understand what is going on with me.  I want to rest. I want to be able to just put my feet up and know that I am not being pressured into doing things. I want to get past all of this. I really do. But, I do not want to worry about people misunderstanding me. I know that it will happen just the same. 


Looking forward. Seeking more. Expecting much.

Walking along

Well, I clipped my hair again today. I spoke with N tonight and she was asking me when I was going to let my hair grow out. Hmmm. This is something. I do not know. I do not want any of my clients to get the clue that I had had cancer and I have told them that I have psoriasis. Because of chemo, I had some very interesting things happen to my skin. Thank goodness that I am able to be very convincing. I have been very convincing and everyone that I meet in my regular routines are very good to keep my "secret". I love to go to the same grocery store and everyone knows me there. I have a great crew that will keep my privacy. Even though my aggressive treatments are done, does not mean that everything is done. They are so good to me.

So, I am thinking of walking around without my do-rag at church. I know that many people still look at me strangely and I hate the looks. I suppose it is a change from having everyone look at my breasts instead of my face. There are times I want to be just forward and say, "hey! My face is here. Look up!" Well, that is not going to be the issue. It is going to be a matter of everyone just having the time go by and not remember all that has been going on. Yea, like that is going to happen. My breast still hurts time to time and I have been told that the surgical area will hurt for a little while because of the scars. Well, there are times I would love to go up for prayer and see what Pastor would say. "What can I pray for?"  "Geeez, this hurts. Lay your hands on this and make it better". Hmm. Do not think that it will go down all that kool. Oh, well. My sick sense of humor is really doing well these days. I really could use a jump start at times.  In the meantime, I must retain as much of my personality as possible. But, I have to say that the clippers did a great job. I realize that I am doing this without a mirror and it is going to be tricky, but, that is the way it goes. I have been doing this now for several months. It actually looks good. So, will I be able to walk around without my head covering? It has been so long that it would feel very different if I did not wear anything. The last time that I did not wear a covering was in church several weeks ago. I got a lot of looks. I suppose curiosity got the best of many.

Now, in the meantime, I will be looking around and seeing. The summer sun and heat will be coming and my hot flashes are getting stronger and stronger. I am glad about that. Yes, that means that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. It is supposed to be shutting down and getting ready for the complete change. It is good to do that without the drugs and the chemicals. Nice to know.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Wondering within.

Seems like a continuing saga

I know that I have said it so many times regarding the kiddo and things at home. Well, things are home are just that much more challenging and fun. The matters continue and the events that have led up to this point do not stop. They are continuing. I must say that I am very tired of the events and behavior that has occurred over the past several months. These events make it more and more impossible to seek after my healthcare. I have to make more consession over what is going on. I have to take more of my energies and devote it to the kiddo. Yes, our children are very important to us; but, there is a point where we lose our identity in them and we must be able to keep our health at the same time. It gets to be a very difficult thing for me. But, I am working diligently to keeping my records in order and getting on with the order of my life. How am I supposed to behave? I just do not know anymore. There are so many things going on.

I will get through this. I will get beyond what is bothering me. I will move past the point where things are not so difficult and things are less stressful. I remember thinking that I would not make it past chemo. I was actually at a point where I did not feel that chemo would ever end and a life did exist past it. Now, I can see that it does. Yes, there are days that are very difficult. My migraines are very frustrating. I have to admit that. My body is more sore; but then again, I am getting older. But, it should not mean that my whole day can be so laid up at times. Easter Sunday, for example, was a very difficult day. I had had a migraine and I was not good for anything. I was not good for anyone either. I had to sleep the entire day through and then I had some coffee. Oh, what a day that was. It was quiet and I did not have to do anything for anyone. But, it would have been nice to have some company.

I get frustrated at the behaviors of others. I know that I should not because I have no control over others. I get more frustrated at others who know the apparent difference between right and wrong and still continue to act the way they do. I do not want to sound like a scorn woman. I just want to say that some things could change. Really, they do need to change. Perhaps, I am working to hard on making a change. This change, I want for me. Of course, we all have something to change. But, I want some changes in me. I want to be a different person. I hate what lies within, but I like what is coming out.

Looking. Seeking. Having it all come out.

Entering the gambit..more to come

The countdown begins. In a matter of a few hours, I will be sitting before the Judge to explain matters. No, I have not done anything wrong. I had paperwork that was not complete and for the most part, I have to provide that. I have. I have made multiple phone calls and faxes to the important people and they have been able to find what was lost and needed to be provided. When I had first inquired, the files were not found. But, when I had faxed over what I had in my files, it was a completely different story. The files needed to be located and from that point, they were found. I am very blessed about that. But, the matter at hand will not end there. It will be up to the court to determine if they want to get more information than what I initially have. At least, I will not have to pay for it. It will be the burden of the court to determine what will be next.

It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.

This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.

So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.

So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.

Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.

I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.

Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.

In this corner of the world

I must say that no matter what, life is never dull or without challenge. At this point, I have been working diligently on so much. Since the last time that I have posted, there have been so many events going on. First, updating in the cancer journey. I still do not have health insurance at this point. I have paperwork that will help me in getting charity assistance. Amazing. Charity. Thank you everyone who contributes to the American Cancer Association. There are many out there that do not have insurance. So, completing this paperwork is very important. Getting this information out is important. I am sure that my oncologist will be very happy to see me once again. Every three months, we meet. If there are other things that I need in the meantime, I must figure something out. There is a clinic here in town, which remains unnamed, is just horrible. They are so poorly equipped with the assistnace of referring clients to professionalized services. I, for one, can say that. They did not support me adequately.

Too, the Breast Cancer Coordinator is awesome!!! Thank you AP!!! You are phenominal. So many have been working on my behalf to get me to services. Despite the time that I do not have and the time that I need to have. I am really working diligently on getting this completed. I have been looking foward to chatting with someone just the same with respect to the volunteer. I was assigned a volunteer to chat with regarding my journey. I have spoken with this person but just a couple of times. We were scheduled to meet for coffee and unfortunately, I was called into work on an emergency for a client. This volunteer has not called me back. She has not responded back to me when I had called to see if we could reschedule. I am sorry. This is quite disappointing. I hope, that one day, I will be a good volunteer to talk to. I pray and hope that I will be a good person to discuss these matters with. LORD give me the grace. With all of this, there is so much yet more to do. I always say that. How can I be more descriptive? What more can I say to get things done? What more can I say that would express the amount of responsibility that I have? I am not alone. You have just the same amount of thigns to complete; yet, it is on a different level. Stay focused and keep your chores listed according to their priorities. Make lists if necessary. Make to-do piles and be sure to be diligent to complete them. One of my biggest troubles is addressing the growing piles of medical bills that are coming in. I am just a little bit frustrated; but, I must be wearing my big-girl panties and get this done. I must get as much completed as possible.

So, now the kiddo. So much has been going on. Yes,she is now in temporary Child in Need Services (CHINS). This has been good. She cannot smoke, drink or do anything else during this duration. She cannot just get up and disappear. She must be fiending for some marijuana and alcohol. So many of her "friends" have been offering this to her. She is at a new school and this is going to be a very interesting journey for her. What a horrible thing to be considered at teen alcoholic. But, the most positive thing is that if she can accept this and recognize when she is having a difficult time, she will be the better. As I have expressed this to the Social Worker--she seems to think that she is in control. Well, beg to differ. She is the puppet and we have the strings. Until she is old enough to completely appreciate what has been done on her behalf, there will be little understanding on what has been done and what is going on. I am looking forward to her understanding that she cannot go through the home and just dig up what she wants any time soon. She must be able to accept the rules of the home and that we are aware of what is going on. For some reason, she just does not understand what is going on.

So, what next? Well, I will continue to pray. I will continue to remain fixed and focused on the goal set before me. I will continue to seek remedy for the needs that we have. My suggestion is that you do the same. Do not give up hope. Do not give up any effort in seeking the best outcome for what you are dealing with. It can happen. No matter if it is a weight issue; serious health issue; family troubles; marrital. you can do it.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Not giving up.

Planning and coping

I am here again. These days are always here and then I look and see that the calendar date is different. I was thinking of the many times that I have been in discomfort or other from the outcomes of treatment and then I was reminded about something. (I have to remember to be a little less vague and more specific.)When I was at the beginning of the diagnosis, I remember the stamina that I had had and the diligence that I was engaged in for the course of the treatment. I am here. I am tenacious about it all. Today, my hands hurt. It feels like arthritis. My body hurts more and when I move around in the morning, it is very difficult to get around; then when my body warms up, I am ready to go. Some of the outcomes to what has been going on. I need to let the office know. I need to write the list of complaints down and let them know. But, I have no health insurance. I certainly hope, for the reader, the importance of understanding that the circumstances of all of this will not change; the only thing that will change is my attitude. How can that change? For the things that I know must change, I plan on doing so. I am tired. I work a lot and I do not see it going anywhere. I pay my bills as they pile up from the medical costs of "treatment". My mind wanders on the obligations that are set before me and then of the outcomes. A cancer patient who has no health insurance. Hmmm. I was supposed to call one of the other ladies back, from the medical clinic, last week. Is this a moot point? Is this really a situation that I want to keep running around in circles with? I have had medical insurance given and then taken away from me for too many times. I have no medical insurance. So? What must I continue to cope with? Who do I talk to about what I do not have?

If the situation with Obamacare comes through, then this will make things even more unimaginable. How is it expected to be that every citizen of the US MUST have insurance when they are unable to pay their own rent? bills? food? How are all employers able to provide health insurance to all of their employees? What will this do to the cost of health care for the future? Will it create costs to soar out of control because of greed and lust of money? Wil this impeach the quality of care to the client/patient?

When I was diagnosed, I had to go to a clinic that was so substandard, it was unreal. I was referred to an oncologist that did not accept my health insurance at all. Then I was sent to Seattle for treatment. Then, when I had pitched a fit regarding the distance and the inability to do so, I was sent back to the original oncology clinic. You remember the story. I had written about it. Now? Look at me. I will not go back to that clinic for anything. It is the worst clinic and has the worst reputation for its healthcare. Healthcare. Hmmm. H-e-a-l-t-h-c-a-r-e? Some practitioners must have this spelled out to them. Healthcare. Sounds like a cussword to me. Oh, can we cuss here? Suppose I already have.

I am amazed. There are so many that are out there that do not have health insurance and are dealing with far greater circumstances than I. But, that does not make matters any better. Can you imagine a pregnant woman without health insurance? Happens all the time. And those folks who are complaining about what they do not have...the latest games; cannot get onto Facebook; cannot get their weed; bla bla bla. Better get with the program because it is becoming quite archaic to sit and whine about matters that are not worthy of whining about. Send your request to the Prez! He really is concerned!!!!

I am curious about a client's right to self-determination. Will this be a fighting point with respect to health insurance mandation? Are we going to be calling this Orwellian-health care? If you detect a little anger, you are reading correct. For so much, there are matters to be addressed. I am, with all diligence, trying to take good care of myself. I do not drink or smoke or entertain social drugs. Yea, aren't we a socieity when we can say that drugs are now "social" instead of illegal. We have really waxed the situation down to that. We are social illegals and not textual illegals. Hmmm. What to be ready for? An outcome to change and then things become more pressed and a hotter issue.

I must take time this week and call my contact person with the clinic. She will be amazed at what is going on and how to address this. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I am not impressed or amused. I am supposed to have an appointment with my oncologist this month. I have not made an appointment to be seen. I have no health insurance. The matters that I have to address with my kiddo has taken all of my extra time up and to fit things into my schedule will be something else. How can I get to the doctor's office if I am working as much as I do? I am caught between a rock and a hardplace without the answer to come. What am I to do? What am I to do that I have not done thus far?

My kiddo?!. This is a quandry all in itself. The matters at hand now are that she has requested for Child In Need Services (CHINS). This means that she has asked to be removed from the home. I have believed for a long time that she has not wanted to see me be sick. I do not want her back to the home to watch me be sick or to be my nurse or anything. I do not want her to be here to be my home health care. I will never allow that to happen. No matter what her age is, she will not be there to fill that position. I have to admit; I have some trepidation about all of this. But, I should not. I know that the LORD is there to comfort and direct me. Yes, my emotion is very vexed; but, I am reminded. I have to be reminded. What are my outcomes? Whatever they must be in order to get to what needs to be. This is not just garble. This is an error in our culture that those who are dealing with serious health issues are unable to get health insurance. Yes, cancer treatment is very expensive. Of course; could it be any other way?

Determination. Diligence. Destination. I can do this.

Seek. Look. Find.

Knock, Knock--who'se there

Silly to say, but "knock, knock--who'se there"? Well, it is me. I am here. I am here at the door looking at so much going on all around me. There is so much going on that I ust do not have any more desire to come out to play. I have been fighting this battle for so long--the no insurance battle. Because of no insurance, I cannot be seen in my doc's office for anything. I cannot go to see my oncologist; I cannot go see my regular doc's for anything. How is a person supposed to be able to complete their treatment if there is no insurance? We are looking at Obama-care and the mandatory insurance laws. How is that going to make things all that much better? Do we pay our rent first or do we pay the health insurance first in fear that we might be penalized for not having insurance? Well, the answer is we must take care of housing costs first. I have no insurance. This has happened to me too many times. I have not had health insurance for so long. This interferes with my ability to have care and coverage. I get worried.

There is always so much paperwork to be completed. I have to call so many agencies for coverage because there are so many out in the great US that do not have coverage. Then the coverage that is provided by the state is so minimal and is not as widely accepted. There are so many docs out there that do not accept the health insurance and substandard care is received. How is it supposed to be when "health insurance" is meant to establish quality of care that care is lorded over you if you do not have the right kind? And of course, you cannot receive care of any kind without health insurance. This has been such a problem for me. For so many years, I have not been able to carry health insurance. And now, when it is so important for me to have it, I cannot afford it. The ones who have insurance are the lucky ones. For those who have insurance are the ones that will live the better quality of life? There is no health insurance for [...]. No matter how much that I work, it is not possible to get it. And now, when I need to have important health screens, I must have to complete a lot of paperwork for charity and for other opportunities through organizations--The American Cancer Association. I have to submit my claims to them. I am thankful for them because they will allow me to get that coverage that I need.

Too, I have finally found somone to chat with regarding my breast cancer and I was to meet with her. I had a client emergency and needed to cancel this appointment. This was canceled. However, she has not called me back again. I am so close and yet so far. I am so close to getting some support and am getting it now. Support for my kiddo through the Probation office. I am getting some work done; but, so much more to go. I am thankful. I am glad that some changes are coming and that things are on the way. It has nearly taken two years since my diagnosis for things to get into place. It has taken nearly two years since I had found my lump. I cannot believe it!!! It does not seem that long ago but it has. It has been a long, long haul with everyone and there has been so much going on. I just cannot believe it. I canot believe that so much has happend. It does not seem that two years has gone by. When I can see five years gone, it will be awesome. But, I know that I must always have screening and testing all the rest of my life. I know that this will be gone for good; but, the necessity of having checks and screening is so very important. This will change the rest of my life.

Changing. Pressing. Pushing.