What should I do

Today was a beautiful day. The sun was out and the temperature was just perfect. However, after a long night at work, making church service seemed that it was a moot point. Everywhere that I turned, it was filled with colognes and perfumes. I am getting so tired of this. All I want is to be able to breathe air that is clean and without any types of scents. I had to leave the church building and that was just so much. I love going to church, but the smells of everyone was really bothering me. I hate it. There is much alternative for me when this happens. I want to make service and yet cannot sit around everyone who is wearing perfumes or scents. I can smell the cigarettes on T. I can smell the scented deoderant on PD. I can smell everyone!! I hate it. I really do. Then I started getting a headache from it all. I ended up taking some pain reliever and then putting my feet up in my rig. All I need to do is put the seat back and then from there, take a few minutes nap. I do that so often anymore, that my rig turns out to be my bedroom. How much fun is that.

I hate being so sensitive to everything around me. I hate that everyone just does not seem to care to be bothered that it is such a difficulty with me. Perhaps my paradigm needs to change with respect to what others perceive to be a difficulty. I hate that I feel very helpless with it all. Having headaches and little energy from post chemo and now menopause is driving me nuts. But, I do know that what I need to be doing is what I am doing. I am eating well; I am taking my multivitamins and supplements. I am working on getting better sleep. I am working on getting more exercise in. I am working on getting my dojo going. I look at the apartment and I am more pleased with the stuff that I am getting done. Anymore, I am living out of my bedroom. There are no messes to be made from there. Just go to bed, eat, sleep and then off to work once again. What a life?!

So, there are many things that I am working on in the meantime. I am working on several projects and striving to keep things afloat. This will happen because I have chosen to keep myself filled with all diligence at the prospect of being more successful with my daily life, my personal walk with the LORD and then from there, what I need to do with my family. I am working diligently to be obedient to the LORD. I am working on being just that.

I know that I am not looking forward to the bloodwork that is coming up in a matter of two weeks. I am tired from it all and I feel that I need to really get prepared for the draw because of the anxiety that will be accompanying it all. One day, there will be a time that the anxiety over needles and all will not be there. In the meantime, there is much prayer to be had and to concentrate and be focused on what is to come. I can do this! I must encourage myself with it all.

Pushing on. Pressing in. Encouraging on.

Retrospect

I have been thinking upon quite a bit today. I have been so tired from work and all. I have to say that I have been working very hard. This time last year, I had found my lump. This time last year, much hell began and from that point, my life and the life of my family was turned upside down. I hate it. I really do. The lives of many have been changed and from this point, I have seen quite a bit of quality in others. I have seen the quality of friendship in many and the lack in others. There really is quite a bit to say about all of this because there is so much that has happened.

I am thankful for one person in particular--G. I am thankful for such a thoughtful and compassionate man. I look at what he has helped out with and say that he is the kind of individual that we should all be. I have seen many of my friends just sit in the sidelines and not do anything. One thing that I have been wanting is for someone to just get up and get into my face and get things done; however, people in this state do not do that. They wait for you to speak up. Sometimes, it is hard to do that. With G, he is from the East Coast and does not wait for anyone to say anything. He gets into the mix. Why people just do not do what they are supposed to do is beyond me. I am really in a twix about that. I really am frustrated about the lack of support that I did receive. So, the issue has turned out that it was my fault for not bringing it to others' attention. How does that go? Not quite sure.

I am frustrated that many say "I am there for you" but that is a set of empty words. Then, be there. I am angered that a few words of "call me" or "you are in my thoughts" are so empty. Yes, this is CANCER. No, I am not a leper. Yes, this is hard. No, this is not going away any time soon. Technically, it will be done in 5 years. After the hormone therapy, I will be considered to be cancer free. In the meantime, it is a matter of watching everything and to be concerned that CANCER can be around the corner. There will always be that concern. However, I am going to focus on what I know. I know that I am healthy and I know that I will be working out and working toward getting to that 5 year goal. I want to be active and part of things and from this point, I will be harrassing many. I will be working on many projects in my life.

I do know that I need to be working on what is going on in my family. My own siblings have been distant and non-existant. Some of my friends are very close to me and I have very few that are really considered to be my sisters. I have one that is especially close to me. She is so important to me and I value her in my life. I have another, I am learning to value more and more. I am thankful for her in many aspects. Learning to understand differences in personalities in other women is very important. But, I have to say that I can really appreciate that the measure of love is really tested with CANCER. I hate to put it that way. I have had many words with many and many do not know my words. I have to be very careful because my spit-fire personality can really put it in.

So, because of this past year, there has been much that has suffered. I need to get my girl into some serious rules and things. She did not pass her freshman year at school. Because I have had to work through chemo and radiation and there has been little help, I need to get her into some serious schooling. This is so frustrating and angering. No one can understand what hell this past year has been. No one can understand what kind of hell this walk has been and all I have gotten is "you are in my thoughts". Yea, thanks. What I will be needing to do now is to set up some type of game plan for sophomore year. Oh boy!!!

I am looking forward to things becoming a little easier. It will. I know that it will. I am believing and hoping for it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Hoping on.

Moving, looking, seeking, hunting

I am really feeling the crunch of many things. While relaxing between jobs, I have noticed that I have gotten too much sun. I have a burn on my chest that is bubbling. The radiation is not all that too far away for me to be caught uncovered from the sun. I have some good SPF and will be needing to carry that around with me to protect me from the sun. I am learning to keep my do-rag with me to protect my scalp. But, for the most part, I have to keep it with me because I have been hotflashing so much that I have to wipe my face and my head from all of the sweat that I have been producing. It is so bad that I feel as though I have been in a shower. I have had to keep a close eye on my sodium and potassium levels. I have been experiencing quite a bit of leg cramps and leg aches. I have been practicing keeping my feet elevated when I can. Ever since my 2nd chemo treatment, my right heel has been hurting and it has not stopped since. Then! Of course, just the clutz that I am, I feel UP! the stairs to my client's home. Yes, it was a bit embarrassing. But, if we cannot laugh at ourselves, then what. That is what I have been doing. Laughing at myself. I have a bruise on my left knee, but that is about it. I was figuring that I would be more sore; but I am not. I try to keep myself limber with workouts and exercising. It works. It is my dojo.


It will be nice to get back to my dojo again. I have been so tired from work that it is very difficult to get back into the swing of things. But, I do my stretching and my exercises. Since the end of chemo, I have put on 16 pounds. I am not all that excited that I have gained that much weight. My clothes do not feel good on me. But, I should be happy that chemo and Vit R are all done. I am. Really I am. There is much to be said about recovering from Cancer.


I am glad about many things. I am glad that my emotions are coming back in order. I am glad that I have more energy. I am glad that I have more time in the day that I do not have to run all around for treatment. I am glad that I am not all that constipated from treatment. But, I am not glad that I have had so much to deal with.


I am looking forward to some distance from chemo. This time last year, I found my lump. This time last year, my life was turned upside down. I remember my Pastor telling me to "share" and not "vent". I remember the torment of what was giong to be coming up. I remember the bttle with the doc's office and the insurance company. I am looking forward to this being just a figment of my imagination. But, some how, I do not believe it will. I am looking forward and moving on.


Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking on.

Moving beyond normal

Today has been a very interesting day. I am so tired of all of the side effects and physical complaints of what chemo and radiation has done to me. I am so tired of this all. Today, I have had a horrible migraine. Combined with being so tired and not getting the help that I have been wanting has been difficult. I am tired of trying to keep it all in and not letting others know how I have been feeling. No, it is not easy to get up in the morning and know that I have so much work to get done.

I have been experiencing a lot of leg cramps. They have been so intense that I could be on the floor rubbing my legs and just crying. I have to make sure that I have a balance of sodium and potassium. I have been drinking a lot of water, exercising and trying to eat right to be able to stay on top of good health. I have been drinking my milk and making sure that I get the right amount of calcium and protein. Tonight, I have a nice tub of cottage cheese and some strawberries. I will be working on resting and keeping my feet up as well to be sure to rest all around. I am tired, but I am going to persevere.

Pushing on. Persevering on.

Returning thoughts

It has been several months since my last post. I am looking back now at the entire year. This month last year, I found my lump. I am looking back at everything with my eyes so wide open about so many different things. I have finished my chemo. That was hard. I have finished my radiation. (I have called it Vit R.) The burns have healed and I am back to "normal" with things. I feel quite like a new person; however, the oral meds that I am supposed to be taking had made me very sick. I had had a migraine for nearly two weeks without a break and it was bothering me something terrible. I look back and see just how tired I was and how compromised I was during the ordeal. I still managed to keep working and completing my daily obligations. However, I can say that I was not all that successful. My family and I have suffered from and through this ordeal. My daughter is very angry and the lack of communicaiton that has occurred during all of this. No one seems to be wanting to talk to her about this. She has seen me in pain and crying. She has not seen me in pain or crying except for this past year. One day at service, I had to step outside and cry. I was in so much pain and discomfort that she was very upset from my pain. No one knows what to say. No one knows what to do. My goal is to look forward to her getting some comfort and closure about all that is going on with other around us not helping. We are our brother's keeper and we should not let each other off the hook about their responsibility toward each other.

Pushing on. Pressing on. On with more passion.