Moving along and moving into things

Today, my emotions are very rocky. I really do not know who to express these emotions to. This past couple of weeks, I have had the most tumultuous days. I have had the flu for nearly three weeks and my kiddo has been moved back into my home. After several months (nearly a year) of being in juvie and two foster homes, she is back.  I had to ask my Pastor--why did my family have to suffer so much? I do not know. I may not ever know, but I do know one thing. The LORD has promised that all things work for good for those who love HIM. Simply put, that what happens for our destruction can and will be turned around. We must be willing to continue to keep things going on.

I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful. 

Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it. 

Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been. 

Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! So, this has been a very, very long year that was just finished. There has been so much that has occurred that I cannot even want to revisit this. But, there is still much to accomplish and to contemplate. Today, I have the flu. This has been coming on for the past few days. Now, this is day number 5 and I am so tired from all of this. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram and from there, will be making an appointment to see my surgeon to be sure to get my other breast examined. Yea, always having to advocate for my rights and my health. We are never to stop that. But, today, I am so tired and full of emotions.

Yesterday, I got the news of a lifetime. My kiddo wants to move back in. I do not know how I feel about it all. I do know that I have missed her, but I do not miss the anguish and I do not want to put her in a spot again with my health. There was a lot done and a lot said. This past year has been nothing more than difficult. I have felt like I have not been able to breathe. Can I breathe now? I am not sure I know how to breathe. This cancer walk is not done. The shadow of all of this is still here at home and it is not going to go away anytime soon. I want it to go away very soon. I want to breathe again.

So, now, counseling is tomorrow and we will be discussing this all. I want to get a list of "demands" together and to present them to the counselor that we might be able to discuss them. I do not want to get her in here and worry about things all over again.

We shall see.

Looking. Hoping. Believing. Trusting. 

As the saga continues

Wow. It has been a long time since my last posting. So much has happened that I cannot tell you just where it has stopped. Well, the continuing saga of having to fight for my healthcare has been ongoing. In May, I got my health insurance AGAIN! this time, it was provided through my employer and not through the state. This has been exciting. I have worked so hard with all of these jobs that it is finally the way to get everything done. 

If you recall, I had had my MRI for both breasts. Yes, that was not the most exciting thing that happened. Having to get my mammo every six months is the outcome. I have fluid behind the incision and this is something that I will have for some time. However, I do not have anything built up in my lymph nodes. I have a mammo on Wednesday and from that point, I will be rescheduling again with my surgeon. I will need to have an MRI, every year, for the rest of my life. I am considered to be high-risk. I am glad to have all of this.

On my last oncology appointment, my blood-work was excellent and my oncologist is very pleased. I have been working very diligently on taking good care of myself. I exercise and am looking forward to more. Since radiation, I have gained 35 lbs that does not want to come off. I was able to take 10 of it off, but the rest is so very difficult. I have been walking and doing more and look forward to doing more.

The matters with my kiddo are dynamic. They have been changing and they have been ok. We have been in family counseling and court several times. She was in one foster family and they did so much for her. Her behavior and attitude got her kicked out. Now, she is a home closer and she has been improving. But, her health is still a very large concern. Since my cancer diagnosis, so much has happened. Yes, she confirmed that the party that she had had on her birthday was the day she lost her virginity. They party they had had was enough. I do remember that very well. 

My kiddo has admitted that she is depressed and suicidal. In fact, she has attempted. In fact, two of my family members, in a two-month period, tried. Imagine that. When I had heard all of this, I just wanted to heave. I cried so hard on both of them. My kiddo's life has been changed forever. She has been in contact with so many of her other family members and not all of them have been accepting or wanting of her. I cannot express how much my heart has been aching over all of this. The experiences of substance abuse and now her mental health. This upcoming year will be quite the defining line for many things. I am not sure how I am going to address these things. 

So, I am now working on getting a prosthesis. Yes, my tatas are different sizes and I need to be looking at something that will help out. I am tired of all of this. My hair is getting more full and I am looking at putting all this behind me. 

Looking for new churches and looking for aspects of security. Look in my other blog. The explanation is there.

Looking forward. Looking hard. Expecting a lot. 

There and back again and again

I am there again. I have another appointment for an MRI for my left breast. The pain and the discomfort has been so much that I have not been able to wear a bra. I have to say, this is getting quite old. This discomfort has been existing for several weeks; I was able to get into the appointment rather quickly. I am considered as "high risk" for the type of cancer that I had. At my age and my history of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), I am high risk. So, I have expressed to the nurse that I need to have a sedative for the procedure. I will be in the MRI for a bit. There will be a contrast needed and then from there, imagery of my breast. What the doc is looking for specifically is under the scar and to determine if there i sanything else going on. I was told that the pain could be one of many things--the surgical procedure itself; the exercises that I have been doing; some cancer cells that did not get "killed" from before. I will not accept that any cancer cells did not get seen. I just will not accept that.

The procedure is enough for me at this point. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me and looking out for me now. Now. Hard to say that. After such a long, long time, it is hard to believe that others are there for me. I have prayed for it and I have believed for it. Oh, how much has gone in with the family situation. I just do not know where to begin.

The kiddo. So much to say about her. She was kicked out of the foster placement and now in a new placement. From what I do understand, the placement is not good. The chances of smoking and stuff being done again is really good. The counseling appointments have been placed on hold for the time being. I sure wish I knew what was going on. I cannot even go to see her. There are times that I miss her beyond my own breathe; but, I realize that I cannot withstand her behavior. I will not put up with the drugs, alcohol, sex, and smoking. She has been out of control for some time.

What I really hate the most is hiding a lot of this from so many. With all of what has been going on, it is hard to just open and share. How do I share? How do I just say "by the way..." I keep it from work, of course. I keep it from as many as I can. How do I share? How do I say what needs to be done? Not many can possibly understand what has been going on. I am careful to not get involved with too much that might require an explanation. I try not to get involved with things that people might want to get to know me. How do I explain what has been going on? I have been so emotionally needy and demanding. How anyone has survived me during this difficult time. Oh, how the days have been so difficult.

I try to keep myself busy with things. I try hard to not think about what is going on. It makes it easier in the day to not think about her. I have been thinking of taking her pix down and just packing them away so I do not have to be reminded. I am trying to change a lot in the home to take the reminders down and away. I miss her like I miss my heartbeat. But during this time, I look forward to more ease and less reminders. I look forward and not to the side or behind me. I have to not be distracted by what has been going on. It is hard. With the balance of the kiddo and the medical, it is still very difficult. Everyone thinks that it is that easy. It really is not. I just make crisis look normal.

I shaved my head again. Keeping it short because I have broken out with rashes and stuff in my scalp. As much as I want my hair to grow, I am concerned about the rash coming back again and again. I am so eager to look normal again. So many people are looking and I need to keep my head covered from the looks. I hate the looks. I have been told to not let it bother me. I hate it very much. I hate having to be working to not have things bother me. I hate things bothering me. I want peace from the burden. So, I will be keeping away from some people and will not be sharing a whole lot with others. I am so tired of it all. I am looking forward to change. Good change. I am looking forward to a vacation.

Looking forward. Seeking onward. Reaching carefully.

The girls

Well, the girls are in the forefront again.  Yesterday I had had an appointment with my surgeon. Yes, it is another round of appointments and the like. Because I am considered to be "high risk", I will be closely monitored throughout all of this. Because of my age and the early detection of my breast cancer, I will be monitored for the rest of my life. I will be able to access medical services regarding all of this very quickly. That is very good to know.

I did find out that my oncologist had decided to treat me with chemo because I was high risk. I was pleased to hear that, but this past couple of years have been met with so much diffculty and resistance. But, I am blessed. I know that so much has been going on and to get some peace and tranquility in all of this is so needed. I do not especially feel all that excited about having the girls displayed for everyone to see once again. No, I am not thrilled.

So, Doctor had given me a complete rundown of what might be going on as well as what might not being happening. I will be scheduled for another exam--an MRI. From what I understand, the exam will be able to have more conclusive imagery that a mammogram and ultrasound does not pick up. Certainly, my thoughts are running wild. If there are any cells that were missed, the MRI could determine that. However, when I had had the aspiration, everything was good. I am concerned, but I have to tell myself that I should not be concerned. I am in excellent health and I am well monitored for all my health conditions. I am also a strong advocate for what is going on. I am working diligently to be very open and vocal. Sometimes, very vocal and upfront. How am I supposed to be?

I was asked something about an aspect of my care. I was asked if I was sent to Physical Therapy for recovery? I said no. I was so very upset. I have not received a lot of aspects to my care and I have wished for a lot. I am not receiving anything and I have been working to develop my own care plan. I have worked very carefully to build my own dietary regimine; careful to develop my own exercise program with self-imposed limitations to lifting, weightbearing exercises and to continue to work and stretch out my muscles after the surgery.

One thing that the nurses have been amazed at was that I did not tell my clients what was going on. Nothing was discussed at work with my evening job and my clients from my day job did not know what was going on. I want to keep it that way. I had never gone to either boss and asked for special priveledges. I took very little time off from work because I needed the money and to build my finances for my taxes. I had anticipated that I would get a very good income tax return so that I would be able to have money for what I needed--clothes, boots, pants/dungarees, etc. I had to think ahead because I had no idea what was to be expected from my outcome. Now, I have insurance and I can get what I need to have. I am pleased with who I have. I have an excellent team of folks; but, one thing as well. They know that they have a spitfire of a patient. I will not just simply accept the okay. I will ask questions and I will be calling and pressing and pushing. When we have to be our own advocate, we must do that. It is not always easy or fun to do, but it has been done. For all of this time, it is very important for me to do.

Must keep going.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Advocating on.

I cannot believe I did this

I cannot believe that I did this. I had an appointment today to meet with the surgeon regarding my breast and I missed it. I hate missing appointments. I have had so many appointments and I have not missed any for a very, very long time. I remember missing one appointment and had to pay $20 for the missed appointment. I really hate missing these things.

When I miss an appointment, it just sends my entire day into a turmoil. Because I have not told my clients about what is going on with me, I have to fabricate a web of lies to keep my privacy. I am so frustrated that I cannot concentrate or relax.  I hate having to tell people lies about what is going on with me. I have hidden this cancer issue from so many for so long and I am so tired of this. I hate this very much. Just another aspect of why I hate cancer. I cannot tell you how many medical appointments that I have had regarding this whole thing. I am tired of reading about it. I am tired of talking to people about it. Some might think that because I am done with the treatment that I am done with everything and then I will be fine. No, it does not go that way. Some just do not get it. Many just do not get it. Just because the treatments are done does not mean that the after effects of it are gone. They are here. A huge ordeal still not gone away. 

I have rescheduled the appointment and I will be working diligently for this not to happen again for a long, long time. 

Pushing on. Pressing in. Remembering on. 

Taking a deep breathe

It has been a while since I have been posting. My appologies. I have been concentrating on many things and time has been escaping me. There has been so much that has been going on and I do not know where exactly to start. So, I will continue where I left off from my last posting--to the best of my recollection.

Have I told you how much I hate this cancer? I hate what has been done to my family. Despite it all, I can take a deep breathe and know that I have a little bit of some time to relax. Over the last several months, my kiddo has been arrested, placed into juvie, then to a friend's home, then to rehab and then back to school. She has been in sumer school now; we have had several difficult days of communication. We communicate through a counselor now; which , this is very difficult. I have had very little excitement about this. When it comes to the counseling time, I am just wiped and torn to pieces. I have not been able to see her or touch her. The communication is broken and I have had no updates about what is going on. I cannot handle the counseling sessions. I have been told about her drug activity and how she has been behaving. I do not like to hear about what she has done or who she has done it with. She has even said that she has done things that she is not proud of. She is several months clean and sober. Clean and sober. That is something that I really have to stand and say again. My 16 year old is clean and sober. But, the chances of her returning back to the home is not good. She has requested to stay away from the home. She says that when she is 18, I will never hear from her again. I wonder. She has also said that she wants to continue our communication. I wonder. It hurts very much to know that your child has been able to say so many hurtful things. And, she has said many hurtful things.

My health is excellent. Although things are always a battle with one thing or another, I am looking forward saying that I have worked long and hard on things. Just this past week, I had bloodwork done to see how hard I have been working on my cholesterol and other things. It was good! Although the numbers really did not change much, things did not get worse. So, I am confident that things are working better. Last month, I had had a medical procedure to determine if my reproductive health was good. It was excellent! I am very pleased to say that my health is very good. I had had a biopsy completed to determine if my uterine and cervical health were good. Not only was the sample normal, but it was determined that my cells were not estrogen receptive--I am in post-menopause! Naturally! Dr. B has told me several times that because I am not on any hormone suppressive therapy, I would be at risk. Well, I am not on any medication and my hormone, estrogen, has been not been in production. I had confirmed that this means that I have ensured breast health and that is the best news ever. I have been believing and praying that this be the case and it has been confirmed. Yes, I will still make sure to have the mamos like I am supposed to and to be sure to have my regular pelvics as I am told. I do not want to be foolish.  

It is nice to have this off my plate of worries. And that really has been on my plate of worries. In a week or so, I will have an appointment with a surgeon regarding my breast. I have had an aspiration completd several months ago. I had built up fluid in my breast behind the scar and it was not going anywhere. So, the doc went in with a needle and "sucked" it out. Yea, the whole idea of having another needle placed in the breast was not my idea of fun. In fact, I had had a massive migraine shortly thereafter. It lasted the entire day and it was very difficult to deal with. I have had a lot of migraines and they have been stressed induced. I really hate the stress that has been involved in all of this.

I know one thing for certain. I will not be sharing this with many. So much has gone on and it has been quite frustrating at how things have developed. Breast cancer has stirred up my entire life and has turned it upside down. I wish things would change now, but they have not and will continue to be challenging for some time to come. I wish people would understand what has been going on. Seems that I am faulted for having so much going on. When I go to medical appointments and I am asked about what kind of stress is going on in my life, I have to be very careful about what I share. I do not want to share a whole lot. But, I have been told--you have a lot on your plate. Ya think? What am I to do? Where am I to turn? I have to be careful about who I tell and whom I share things with. This is going to be difficult and I know that it can be done. I must be strong and I must be diligent to the cause. I can do this.

Seeking on. Looking into. Journeying on.