There and back again and again

I am there again. I have another appointment for an MRI for my left breast. The pain and the discomfort has been so much that I have not been able to wear a bra. I have to say, this is getting quite old. This discomfort has been existing for several weeks; I was able to get into the appointment rather quickly. I am considered as "high risk" for the type of cancer that I had. At my age and my history of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), I am high risk. So, I have expressed to the nurse that I need to have a sedative for the procedure. I will be in the MRI for a bit. There will be a contrast needed and then from there, imagery of my breast. What the doc is looking for specifically is under the scar and to determine if there i sanything else going on. I was told that the pain could be one of many things--the surgical procedure itself; the exercises that I have been doing; some cancer cells that did not get "killed" from before. I will not accept that any cancer cells did not get seen. I just will not accept that.

The procedure is enough for me at this point. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me and looking out for me now. Now. Hard to say that. After such a long, long time, it is hard to believe that others are there for me. I have prayed for it and I have believed for it. Oh, how much has gone in with the family situation. I just do not know where to begin.

The kiddo. So much to say about her. She was kicked out of the foster placement and now in a new placement. From what I do understand, the placement is not good. The chances of smoking and stuff being done again is really good. The counseling appointments have been placed on hold for the time being. I sure wish I knew what was going on. I cannot even go to see her. There are times that I miss her beyond my own breathe; but, I realize that I cannot withstand her behavior. I will not put up with the drugs, alcohol, sex, and smoking. She has been out of control for some time.

What I really hate the most is hiding a lot of this from so many. With all of what has been going on, it is hard to just open and share. How do I share? How do I just say "by the way..." I keep it from work, of course. I keep it from as many as I can. How do I share? How do I say what needs to be done? Not many can possibly understand what has been going on. I am careful to not get involved with too much that might require an explanation. I try not to get involved with things that people might want to get to know me. How do I explain what has been going on? I have been so emotionally needy and demanding. How anyone has survived me during this difficult time. Oh, how the days have been so difficult.

I try to keep myself busy with things. I try hard to not think about what is going on. It makes it easier in the day to not think about her. I have been thinking of taking her pix down and just packing them away so I do not have to be reminded. I am trying to change a lot in the home to take the reminders down and away. I miss her like I miss my heartbeat. But during this time, I look forward to more ease and less reminders. I look forward and not to the side or behind me. I have to not be distracted by what has been going on. It is hard. With the balance of the kiddo and the medical, it is still very difficult. Everyone thinks that it is that easy. It really is not. I just make crisis look normal.

I shaved my head again. Keeping it short because I have broken out with rashes and stuff in my scalp. As much as I want my hair to grow, I am concerned about the rash coming back again and again. I am so eager to look normal again. So many people are looking and I need to keep my head covered from the looks. I hate the looks. I have been told to not let it bother me. I hate it very much. I hate having to be working to not have things bother me. I hate things bothering me. I want peace from the burden. So, I will be keeping away from some people and will not be sharing a whole lot with others. I am so tired of it all. I am looking forward to change. Good change. I am looking forward to a vacation.

Looking forward. Seeking onward. Reaching carefully.

The girls

Well, the girls are in the forefront again.  Yesterday I had had an appointment with my surgeon. Yes, it is another round of appointments and the like. Because I am considered to be "high risk", I will be closely monitored throughout all of this. Because of my age and the early detection of my breast cancer, I will be monitored for the rest of my life. I will be able to access medical services regarding all of this very quickly. That is very good to know.

I did find out that my oncologist had decided to treat me with chemo because I was high risk. I was pleased to hear that, but this past couple of years have been met with so much diffculty and resistance. But, I am blessed. I know that so much has been going on and to get some peace and tranquility in all of this is so needed. I do not especially feel all that excited about having the girls displayed for everyone to see once again. No, I am not thrilled.

So, Doctor had given me a complete rundown of what might be going on as well as what might not being happening. I will be scheduled for another exam--an MRI. From what I understand, the exam will be able to have more conclusive imagery that a mammogram and ultrasound does not pick up. Certainly, my thoughts are running wild. If there are any cells that were missed, the MRI could determine that. However, when I had had the aspiration, everything was good. I am concerned, but I have to tell myself that I should not be concerned. I am in excellent health and I am well monitored for all my health conditions. I am also a strong advocate for what is going on. I am working diligently to be very open and vocal. Sometimes, very vocal and upfront. How am I supposed to be?

I was asked something about an aspect of my care. I was asked if I was sent to Physical Therapy for recovery? I said no. I was so very upset. I have not received a lot of aspects to my care and I have wished for a lot. I am not receiving anything and I have been working to develop my own care plan. I have worked very carefully to build my own dietary regimine; careful to develop my own exercise program with self-imposed limitations to lifting, weightbearing exercises and to continue to work and stretch out my muscles after the surgery.

One thing that the nurses have been amazed at was that I did not tell my clients what was going on. Nothing was discussed at work with my evening job and my clients from my day job did not know what was going on. I want to keep it that way. I had never gone to either boss and asked for special priveledges. I took very little time off from work because I needed the money and to build my finances for my taxes. I had anticipated that I would get a very good income tax return so that I would be able to have money for what I needed--clothes, boots, pants/dungarees, etc. I had to think ahead because I had no idea what was to be expected from my outcome. Now, I have insurance and I can get what I need to have. I am pleased with who I have. I have an excellent team of folks; but, one thing as well. They know that they have a spitfire of a patient. I will not just simply accept the okay. I will ask questions and I will be calling and pressing and pushing. When we have to be our own advocate, we must do that. It is not always easy or fun to do, but it has been done. For all of this time, it is very important for me to do.

Must keep going.

Pressing on. Pushing in. Advocating on.

I cannot believe I did this

I cannot believe that I did this. I had an appointment today to meet with the surgeon regarding my breast and I missed it. I hate missing appointments. I have had so many appointments and I have not missed any for a very, very long time. I remember missing one appointment and had to pay $20 for the missed appointment. I really hate missing these things.

When I miss an appointment, it just sends my entire day into a turmoil. Because I have not told my clients about what is going on with me, I have to fabricate a web of lies to keep my privacy. I am so frustrated that I cannot concentrate or relax.  I hate having to tell people lies about what is going on with me. I have hidden this cancer issue from so many for so long and I am so tired of this. I hate this very much. Just another aspect of why I hate cancer. I cannot tell you how many medical appointments that I have had regarding this whole thing. I am tired of reading about it. I am tired of talking to people about it. Some might think that because I am done with the treatment that I am done with everything and then I will be fine. No, it does not go that way. Some just do not get it. Many just do not get it. Just because the treatments are done does not mean that the after effects of it are gone. They are here. A huge ordeal still not gone away. 

I have rescheduled the appointment and I will be working diligently for this not to happen again for a long, long time. 

Pushing on. Pressing in. Remembering on. 

Taking a deep breathe

It has been a while since I have been posting. My appologies. I have been concentrating on many things and time has been escaping me. There has been so much that has been going on and I do not know where exactly to start. So, I will continue where I left off from my last posting--to the best of my recollection.

Have I told you how much I hate this cancer? I hate what has been done to my family. Despite it all, I can take a deep breathe and know that I have a little bit of some time to relax. Over the last several months, my kiddo has been arrested, placed into juvie, then to a friend's home, then to rehab and then back to school. She has been in sumer school now; we have had several difficult days of communication. We communicate through a counselor now; which , this is very difficult. I have had very little excitement about this. When it comes to the counseling time, I am just wiped and torn to pieces. I have not been able to see her or touch her. The communication is broken and I have had no updates about what is going on. I cannot handle the counseling sessions. I have been told about her drug activity and how she has been behaving. I do not like to hear about what she has done or who she has done it with. She has even said that she has done things that she is not proud of. She is several months clean and sober. Clean and sober. That is something that I really have to stand and say again. My 16 year old is clean and sober. But, the chances of her returning back to the home is not good. She has requested to stay away from the home. She says that when she is 18, I will never hear from her again. I wonder. She has also said that she wants to continue our communication. I wonder. It hurts very much to know that your child has been able to say so many hurtful things. And, she has said many hurtful things.

My health is excellent. Although things are always a battle with one thing or another, I am looking forward saying that I have worked long and hard on things. Just this past week, I had bloodwork done to see how hard I have been working on my cholesterol and other things. It was good! Although the numbers really did not change much, things did not get worse. So, I am confident that things are working better. Last month, I had had a medical procedure to determine if my reproductive health was good. It was excellent! I am very pleased to say that my health is very good. I had had a biopsy completed to determine if my uterine and cervical health were good. Not only was the sample normal, but it was determined that my cells were not estrogen receptive--I am in post-menopause! Naturally! Dr. B has told me several times that because I am not on any hormone suppressive therapy, I would be at risk. Well, I am not on any medication and my hormone, estrogen, has been not been in production. I had confirmed that this means that I have ensured breast health and that is the best news ever. I have been believing and praying that this be the case and it has been confirmed. Yes, I will still make sure to have the mamos like I am supposed to and to be sure to have my regular pelvics as I am told. I do not want to be foolish.  

It is nice to have this off my plate of worries. And that really has been on my plate of worries. In a week or so, I will have an appointment with a surgeon regarding my breast. I have had an aspiration completd several months ago. I had built up fluid in my breast behind the scar and it was not going anywhere. So, the doc went in with a needle and "sucked" it out. Yea, the whole idea of having another needle placed in the breast was not my idea of fun. In fact, I had had a massive migraine shortly thereafter. It lasted the entire day and it was very difficult to deal with. I have had a lot of migraines and they have been stressed induced. I really hate the stress that has been involved in all of this.

I know one thing for certain. I will not be sharing this with many. So much has gone on and it has been quite frustrating at how things have developed. Breast cancer has stirred up my entire life and has turned it upside down. I wish things would change now, but they have not and will continue to be challenging for some time to come. I wish people would understand what has been going on. Seems that I am faulted for having so much going on. When I go to medical appointments and I am asked about what kind of stress is going on in my life, I have to be very careful about what I share. I do not want to share a whole lot. But, I have been told--you have a lot on your plate. Ya think? What am I to do? Where am I to turn? I have to be careful about who I tell and whom I share things with. This is going to be difficult and I know that it can be done. I must be strong and I must be diligent to the cause. I can do this.

Seeking on. Looking into. Journeying on.

Continuing chronicles of ...

Without a doubt, events of my day are always intriguing and full of ritual. Some events are just exaserbating while others are just unspeakable. Today, I have been reminded of so many rituals. There have been some long days and long and tiring events. The heat of the week has been trying. Muggy and uncomfortable for the most part. Now, skin breakdowns are coming again. No, it is not because of treatment or anything; rather, it is all that much more very important to cover up, have clean clothes and know your product.

I have been reflecting upon the events from last year to this year as well. I am looking at myself in the mirror and see so much. My weight has been unchanged from last year. It has been so difficult to try and get the weight off. So, I am determined. Just like the other projects that I have had going on, I am working toward the weight loss again. I am determined that this is going to change. Right after radiation was done, I gained nearly 30 lbs. This past year, I have ben yo-yoing and this is going to stop. While I experience the frustration of all of this, I am going to need to get into a structured regime. Yes, I have purchased some great DVDs. Yes, I did purchase some Richard Simmons and he is great. I look forward to this all the time. Now, the best thing to do is to look for the time to get moving. It will take an hour a day to do this and I can do it. All I need to do is to move some furniture around and get into the grove. I look forward to seeing everyone doing the same.

Shaking it. Moving it. OMOM--Oh me oh my!

Red Rover, Red Rover, let ... come over

Red rover, red rover, let ... anyone come over. Yes, what a game that used to be when I was a child. I loved the red rover game. Today, I really do look forward to the emotional side of the game. The concept of permitting someone to be part of a game and exchange is good. We all need the exchange. The communication and the introduction of a shift from the everyday routine. Over here, the routine is far from mundane or everyday. But, when you deal with the afterlife of cancer, you deal with a whole different definition of routine.

I have been working on many aspects of my health impact. I have been noticing one thing, in particular that does not thrill me. I have been gaining weight again, little at a time. This time last year, I had gained nearly 30 pounds after the completion of radiation. I have lost, and gained, and lost and gained. Now, I have to take into significant reconsideration that I must take a closer look at the weight loss. I must stick to a strickter routine. I have noticed that I cannot eat the same kinds of foods as I used to before. Red rover, red rover, let .... no one with a whole bunch of junk food come over. I have spent time in others' homes for dinner and must understand that I have to! stick to my eating plan. My stomach can only hold so much and I can only eat past a certain time of the day if I do not want to be getting sick. Too, I have noticed that I must remain close to a healthier lifestyle. Lots of water, for certain. Too, I must be very careful about my grains. I love to eat my oatmeal and my hot cereals. Too, I love to eat my cold cereals and whole wheat breads. I have been taking time to learn more about the metabolic functions of these foods and to benefits of what it means to be chosing better.

While it seems that I have been working diligently on so many things, how is it that I am working on this? Well, this has been one of the things that I have been working on. Now, I must really take a closer look at it and say that I will not be deterred from it. When I go to a certain friend's house, she eats all kinds of stuff. Pizza, chocolate pies, all kinds of other yummies that I like to eat time to time. And, for the most part, it is ok to do that. But, know when moderation is to be used and when to eat these kinds of yummies. I schedule a yummies night out once a month and I will not stop that. I have been working hard on so many things and have been enduring through some fantastic events. And, of course, I will not be deterred from them. It is for my overall health and benefits that I continue and endure through till the very end.

So, the next thing that I am doing is to continue to take my supplements ontime. Two of the most important supplements that I have been taking are magnesium and potassium. These two have been so very important to me. The magnesium helps with my migraines. While the supplement has been noted to help with blood pressure and metabolism of carbohydrates, it really has been helping with the migraines. Too, it has been noted to help with bone density and osteoporosis. The chemo drugs did a number on me. So, in the meantime, this is a great way to help fortify my body after such incredible toxic sludge. I continue to exercise as well and am working on developing my day more and more for my strength and support.

Potassium has been another quintessential supplement. This is for my muscles and for my leg cramps. If I do not take my potassium, my leg cramps are unbearable. I have to take a certain amount of potassium a day. If I sweat a whole lot or drink a lot of water in a day, I have to take potassium at night. I remember one day, I had to go to the ER for my migraine. My attending physician paid me a compliment. He had expressed that I had a lower incidence of heart disease. He did indicate that I still had a risk; however, at this rate, that is not one of my concerns. This is very good to me. There are many things that we might be concerned about; but, this for me is one that is not a major concern. I was in a lot of pain from what I was going through; but, I know that I am on the right track.

My next best thing to work on is my tension. I must pay closer attention to what causes my tension, to reduce it and to seek to avoid the obvious triggers. In the meantime, I am excited about how I am working hard at trying to stay healthier and more empowered about my health. See you there too!

Pressing forward. Roving onward. Empowered on.

Thinking of things past, present and future

Yes, I am thinking of many things. I have been reminiscing upon the last few months and etc. Yesterday, I was asked about how things were going from someone from church. Many things that I had discussed were very emotionally stirring. I was so tired from the weekend; I have worked straight through. Yes, I am very tired. Usually, when I am this tired, I have to take into consideration that my emotions are very rocky.  I am stressed and I have to recognize when my stress levels are at the highest.  

When I had shared with ES, I regret the share. I have been told many things, but yesterday, I was told that I should be careful about a pity party. I do not ever think that it is what I have been experiencing. I have experienced some of the most horrific things in my home and when I have expressed to this person all of these events, I have been told not to have a spirit of self pity and have a pity party. Hmmm. I get a little upset at the fact that when others want to know what is going on, that I share and stupid comments are left my way. I simply do not understand what others say and how they can feel comfortable with themselves about it. I realize that I have said my own share of things, but I know that I have learned from them and learn to be a little more compassionate. Some things should not be said but should be left alone.

I do understand that the past couple of years have been very difficult. It is hard for me to accept "I love you". I simply do not want to hear it. Love has an accountability that Scripture says we are to do. If I say that I love you, then I must put some effort into it to express what needs to be done. I will show up tired, frustrated and eager to work. Will you? Are you willing to do what is right before the LORD or even your fellow man? Will you stand at the door and fight off the horrors that may come? Will you offer your life for your loved ones? I did. I went to chemo to fight for my life and it is left to mockery. 

I have to say, the upcoming months are going to be grueling as well. I have more procedures coming up and I have to be prepared for them all. I have a lot of medical appointments coming up and I need to be ready for it all. I can do this. I have a choice, and I am choosing well.  I hope that you choose well.

Pushing in. Pressing forward. Seeking choices.