I know that I have said it so many times regarding the kiddo and things at home. Well, things are home are just that much more challenging and fun. The matters continue and the events that have led up to this point do not stop. They are continuing. I must say that I am very tired of the events and behavior that has occurred over the past several months. These events make it more and more impossible to seek after my healthcare. I have to make more consession over what is going on. I have to take more of my energies and devote it to the kiddo. Yes, our children are very important to us; but, there is a point where we lose our identity in them and we must be able to keep our health at the same time. It gets to be a very difficult thing for me. But, I am working diligently to keeping my records in order and getting on with the order of my life. How am I supposed to behave? I just do not know anymore. There are so many things going on.
I will get through this. I will get beyond what is bothering me. I will move past the point where things are not so difficult and things are less stressful. I remember thinking that I would not make it past chemo. I was actually at a point where I did not feel that chemo would ever end and a life did exist past it. Now, I can see that it does. Yes, there are days that are very difficult. My migraines are very frustrating. I have to admit that. My body is more sore; but then again, I am getting older. But, it should not mean that my whole day can be so laid up at times. Easter Sunday, for example, was a very difficult day. I had had a migraine and I was not good for anything. I was not good for anyone either. I had to sleep the entire day through and then I had some coffee. Oh, what a day that was. It was quiet and I did not have to do anything for anyone. But, it would have been nice to have some company.
I get frustrated at the behaviors of others. I know that I should not because I have no control over others. I get more frustrated at others who know the apparent difference between right and wrong and still continue to act the way they do. I do not want to sound like a scorn woman. I just want to say that some things could change. Really, they do need to change. Perhaps, I am working to hard on making a change. This change, I want for me. Of course, we all have something to change. But, I want some changes in me. I want to be a different person. I hate what lies within, but I like what is coming out.
Looking. Seeking. Having it all come out.
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Entering the gambit..more to come
The countdown begins. In a matter of a few hours, I will be sitting before the Judge to explain matters. No, I have not done anything wrong. I had paperwork that was not complete and for the most part, I have to provide that. I have. I have made multiple phone calls and faxes to the important people and they have been able to find what was lost and needed to be provided. When I had first inquired, the files were not found. But, when I had faxed over what I had in my files, it was a completely different story. The files needed to be located and from that point, they were found. I am very blessed about that. But, the matter at hand will not end there. It will be up to the court to determine if they want to get more information than what I initially have. At least, I will not have to pay for it. It will be the burden of the court to determine what will be next.
It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.
This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.
So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.
So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.
Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.
I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.
Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.
It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.
This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.
So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.
So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.
Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.
I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.
Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
In this corner of the world
I must say that no matter what, life is never dull or without challenge. At this point, I have been working diligently on so much. Since the last time that I have posted, there have been so many events going on. First, updating in the cancer journey. I still do not have health insurance at this point. I have paperwork that will help me in getting charity assistance. Amazing. Charity. Thank you everyone who contributes to the American Cancer Association. There are many out there that do not have insurance. So, completing this paperwork is very important. Getting this information out is important. I am sure that my oncologist will be very happy to see me once again. Every three months, we meet. If there are other things that I need in the meantime, I must figure something out. There is a clinic here in town, which remains unnamed, is just horrible. They are so poorly equipped with the assistnace of referring clients to professionalized services. I, for one, can say that. They did not support me adequately.
Too, the Breast Cancer Coordinator is awesome!!! Thank you AP!!! You are phenominal. So many have been working on my behalf to get me to services. Despite the time that I do not have and the time that I need to have. I am really working diligently on getting this completed. I have been looking foward to chatting with someone just the same with respect to the volunteer. I was assigned a volunteer to chat with regarding my journey. I have spoken with this person but just a couple of times. We were scheduled to meet for coffee and unfortunately, I was called into work on an emergency for a client. This volunteer has not called me back. She has not responded back to me when I had called to see if we could reschedule. I am sorry. This is quite disappointing. I hope, that one day, I will be a good volunteer to talk to. I pray and hope that I will be a good person to discuss these matters with. LORD give me the grace. With all of this, there is so much yet more to do. I always say that. How can I be more descriptive? What more can I say to get things done? What more can I say that would express the amount of responsibility that I have? I am not alone. You have just the same amount of thigns to complete; yet, it is on a different level. Stay focused and keep your chores listed according to their priorities. Make lists if necessary. Make to-do piles and be sure to be diligent to complete them. One of my biggest troubles is addressing the growing piles of medical bills that are coming in. I am just a little bit frustrated; but, I must be wearing my big-girl panties and get this done. I must get as much completed as possible.
So, now the kiddo. So much has been going on. Yes,she is now in temporary Child in Need Services (CHINS). This has been good. She cannot smoke, drink or do anything else during this duration. She cannot just get up and disappear. She must be fiending for some marijuana and alcohol. So many of her "friends" have been offering this to her. She is at a new school and this is going to be a very interesting journey for her. What a horrible thing to be considered at teen alcoholic. But, the most positive thing is that if she can accept this and recognize when she is having a difficult time, she will be the better. As I have expressed this to the Social Worker--she seems to think that she is in control. Well, beg to differ. She is the puppet and we have the strings. Until she is old enough to completely appreciate what has been done on her behalf, there will be little understanding on what has been done and what is going on. I am looking forward to her understanding that she cannot go through the home and just dig up what she wants any time soon. She must be able to accept the rules of the home and that we are aware of what is going on. For some reason, she just does not understand what is going on.
So, what next? Well, I will continue to pray. I will continue to remain fixed and focused on the goal set before me. I will continue to seek remedy for the needs that we have. My suggestion is that you do the same. Do not give up hope. Do not give up any effort in seeking the best outcome for what you are dealing with. It can happen. No matter if it is a weight issue; serious health issue; family troubles; marrital. you can do it.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Not giving up.
Too, the Breast Cancer Coordinator is awesome!!! Thank you AP!!! You are phenominal. So many have been working on my behalf to get me to services. Despite the time that I do not have and the time that I need to have. I am really working diligently on getting this completed. I have been looking foward to chatting with someone just the same with respect to the volunteer. I was assigned a volunteer to chat with regarding my journey. I have spoken with this person but just a couple of times. We were scheduled to meet for coffee and unfortunately, I was called into work on an emergency for a client. This volunteer has not called me back. She has not responded back to me when I had called to see if we could reschedule. I am sorry. This is quite disappointing. I hope, that one day, I will be a good volunteer to talk to. I pray and hope that I will be a good person to discuss these matters with. LORD give me the grace. With all of this, there is so much yet more to do. I always say that. How can I be more descriptive? What more can I say to get things done? What more can I say that would express the amount of responsibility that I have? I am not alone. You have just the same amount of thigns to complete; yet, it is on a different level. Stay focused and keep your chores listed according to their priorities. Make lists if necessary. Make to-do piles and be sure to be diligent to complete them. One of my biggest troubles is addressing the growing piles of medical bills that are coming in. I am just a little bit frustrated; but, I must be wearing my big-girl panties and get this done. I must get as much completed as possible.
So, now the kiddo. So much has been going on. Yes,she is now in temporary Child in Need Services (CHINS). This has been good. She cannot smoke, drink or do anything else during this duration. She cannot just get up and disappear. She must be fiending for some marijuana and alcohol. So many of her "friends" have been offering this to her. She is at a new school and this is going to be a very interesting journey for her. What a horrible thing to be considered at teen alcoholic. But, the most positive thing is that if she can accept this and recognize when she is having a difficult time, she will be the better. As I have expressed this to the Social Worker--she seems to think that she is in control. Well, beg to differ. She is the puppet and we have the strings. Until she is old enough to completely appreciate what has been done on her behalf, there will be little understanding on what has been done and what is going on. I am looking forward to her understanding that she cannot go through the home and just dig up what she wants any time soon. She must be able to accept the rules of the home and that we are aware of what is going on. For some reason, she just does not understand what is going on.
So, what next? Well, I will continue to pray. I will continue to remain fixed and focused on the goal set before me. I will continue to seek remedy for the needs that we have. My suggestion is that you do the same. Do not give up hope. Do not give up any effort in seeking the best outcome for what you are dealing with. It can happen. No matter if it is a weight issue; serious health issue; family troubles; marrital. you can do it.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Not giving up.
Sunday, March 18, 2012
Planning and coping
I am here again. These days are always here and then I look and see that the calendar date is different. I was thinking of the many times that I have been in discomfort or other from the outcomes of treatment and then I was reminded about something. (I have to remember to be a little less vague and more specific.)When I was at the beginning of the diagnosis, I remember the stamina that I had had and the diligence that I was engaged in for the course of the treatment. I am here. I am tenacious about it all. Today, my hands hurt. It feels like arthritis. My body hurts more and when I move around in the morning, it is very difficult to get around; then when my body warms up, I am ready to go. Some of the outcomes to what has been going on. I need to let the office know. I need to write the list of complaints down and let them know. But, I have no health insurance. I certainly hope, for the reader, the importance of understanding that the circumstances of all of this will not change; the only thing that will change is my attitude. How can that change? For the things that I know must change, I plan on doing so. I am tired. I work a lot and I do not see it going anywhere. I pay my bills as they pile up from the medical costs of "treatment". My mind wanders on the obligations that are set before me and then of the outcomes. A cancer patient who has no health insurance. Hmmm. I was supposed to call one of the other ladies back, from the medical clinic, last week. Is this a moot point? Is this really a situation that I want to keep running around in circles with? I have had medical insurance given and then taken away from me for too many times. I have no medical insurance. So? What must I continue to cope with? Who do I talk to about what I do not have?
If the situation with Obamacare comes through, then this will make things even more unimaginable. How is it expected to be that every citizen of the US MUST have insurance when they are unable to pay their own rent? bills? food? How are all employers able to provide health insurance to all of their employees? What will this do to the cost of health care for the future? Will it create costs to soar out of control because of greed and lust of money? Wil this impeach the quality of care to the client/patient?
When I was diagnosed, I had to go to a clinic that was so substandard, it was unreal. I was referred to an oncologist that did not accept my health insurance at all. Then I was sent to Seattle for treatment. Then, when I had pitched a fit regarding the distance and the inability to do so, I was sent back to the original oncology clinic. You remember the story. I had written about it. Now? Look at me. I will not go back to that clinic for anything. It is the worst clinic and has the worst reputation for its healthcare. Healthcare. Hmmm. H-e-a-l-t-h-c-a-r-e? Some practitioners must have this spelled out to them. Healthcare. Sounds like a cussword to me. Oh, can we cuss here? Suppose I already have.
I am amazed. There are so many that are out there that do not have health insurance and are dealing with far greater circumstances than I. But, that does not make matters any better. Can you imagine a pregnant woman without health insurance? Happens all the time. And those folks who are complaining about what they do not have...the latest games; cannot get onto Facebook; cannot get their weed; bla bla bla. Better get with the program because it is becoming quite archaic to sit and whine about matters that are not worthy of whining about. Send your request to the Prez! He really is concerned!!!!
I am curious about a client's right to self-determination. Will this be a fighting point with respect to health insurance mandation? Are we going to be calling this Orwellian-health care? If you detect a little anger, you are reading correct. For so much, there are matters to be addressed. I am, with all diligence, trying to take good care of myself. I do not drink or smoke or entertain social drugs. Yea, aren't we a socieity when we can say that drugs are now "social" instead of illegal. We have really waxed the situation down to that. We are social illegals and not textual illegals. Hmmm. What to be ready for? An outcome to change and then things become more pressed and a hotter issue.
I must take time this week and call my contact person with the clinic. She will be amazed at what is going on and how to address this. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I am not impressed or amused. I am supposed to have an appointment with my oncologist this month. I have not made an appointment to be seen. I have no health insurance. The matters that I have to address with my kiddo has taken all of my extra time up and to fit things into my schedule will be something else. How can I get to the doctor's office if I am working as much as I do? I am caught between a rock and a hardplace without the answer to come. What am I to do? What am I to do that I have not done thus far?
My kiddo?!. This is a quandry all in itself. The matters at hand now are that she has requested for Child In Need Services (CHINS). This means that she has asked to be removed from the home. I have believed for a long time that she has not wanted to see me be sick. I do not want her back to the home to watch me be sick or to be my nurse or anything. I do not want her to be here to be my home health care. I will never allow that to happen. No matter what her age is, she will not be there to fill that position. I have to admit; I have some trepidation about all of this. But, I should not. I know that the LORD is there to comfort and direct me. Yes, my emotion is very vexed; but, I am reminded. I have to be reminded. What are my outcomes? Whatever they must be in order to get to what needs to be. This is not just garble. This is an error in our culture that those who are dealing with serious health issues are unable to get health insurance. Yes, cancer treatment is very expensive. Of course; could it be any other way?
Determination. Diligence. Destination. I can do this.
Seek. Look. Find.
If the situation with Obamacare comes through, then this will make things even more unimaginable. How is it expected to be that every citizen of the US MUST have insurance when they are unable to pay their own rent? bills? food? How are all employers able to provide health insurance to all of their employees? What will this do to the cost of health care for the future? Will it create costs to soar out of control because of greed and lust of money? Wil this impeach the quality of care to the client/patient?
When I was diagnosed, I had to go to a clinic that was so substandard, it was unreal. I was referred to an oncologist that did not accept my health insurance at all. Then I was sent to Seattle for treatment. Then, when I had pitched a fit regarding the distance and the inability to do so, I was sent back to the original oncology clinic. You remember the story. I had written about it. Now? Look at me. I will not go back to that clinic for anything. It is the worst clinic and has the worst reputation for its healthcare. Healthcare. Hmmm. H-e-a-l-t-h-c-a-r-e? Some practitioners must have this spelled out to them. Healthcare. Sounds like a cussword to me. Oh, can we cuss here? Suppose I already have.
I am amazed. There are so many that are out there that do not have health insurance and are dealing with far greater circumstances than I. But, that does not make matters any better. Can you imagine a pregnant woman without health insurance? Happens all the time. And those folks who are complaining about what they do not have...the latest games; cannot get onto Facebook; cannot get their weed; bla bla bla. Better get with the program because it is becoming quite archaic to sit and whine about matters that are not worthy of whining about. Send your request to the Prez! He really is concerned!!!!
I am curious about a client's right to self-determination. Will this be a fighting point with respect to health insurance mandation? Are we going to be calling this Orwellian-health care? If you detect a little anger, you are reading correct. For so much, there are matters to be addressed. I am, with all diligence, trying to take good care of myself. I do not drink or smoke or entertain social drugs. Yea, aren't we a socieity when we can say that drugs are now "social" instead of illegal. We have really waxed the situation down to that. We are social illegals and not textual illegals. Hmmm. What to be ready for? An outcome to change and then things become more pressed and a hotter issue.
I must take time this week and call my contact person with the clinic. She will be amazed at what is going on and how to address this. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. I am not impressed or amused. I am supposed to have an appointment with my oncologist this month. I have not made an appointment to be seen. I have no health insurance. The matters that I have to address with my kiddo has taken all of my extra time up and to fit things into my schedule will be something else. How can I get to the doctor's office if I am working as much as I do? I am caught between a rock and a hardplace without the answer to come. What am I to do? What am I to do that I have not done thus far?
My kiddo?!. This is a quandry all in itself. The matters at hand now are that she has requested for Child In Need Services (CHINS). This means that she has asked to be removed from the home. I have believed for a long time that she has not wanted to see me be sick. I do not want her back to the home to watch me be sick or to be my nurse or anything. I do not want her to be here to be my home health care. I will never allow that to happen. No matter what her age is, she will not be there to fill that position. I have to admit; I have some trepidation about all of this. But, I should not. I know that the LORD is there to comfort and direct me. Yes, my emotion is very vexed; but, I am reminded. I have to be reminded. What are my outcomes? Whatever they must be in order to get to what needs to be. This is not just garble. This is an error in our culture that those who are dealing with serious health issues are unable to get health insurance. Yes, cancer treatment is very expensive. Of course; could it be any other way?
Determination. Diligence. Destination. I can do this.
Seek. Look. Find.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Knock, Knock--who'se there
Silly to say, but "knock, knock--who'se there"? Well, it is me. I am here. I am here at the door looking at so much going on all around me. There is so much going on that I ust do not have any more desire to come out to play. I have been fighting this battle for so long--the no insurance battle. Because of no insurance, I cannot be seen in my doc's office for anything. I cannot go to see my oncologist; I cannot go see my regular doc's for anything. How is a person supposed to be able to complete their treatment if there is no insurance? We are looking at Obama-care and the mandatory insurance laws. How is that going to make things all that much better? Do we pay our rent first or do we pay the health insurance first in fear that we might be penalized for not having insurance? Well, the answer is we must take care of housing costs first. I have no insurance. This has happened to me too many times. I have not had health insurance for so long. This interferes with my ability to have care and coverage. I get worried.
There is always so much paperwork to be completed. I have to call so many agencies for coverage because there are so many out in the great US that do not have coverage. Then the coverage that is provided by the state is so minimal and is not as widely accepted. There are so many docs out there that do not accept the health insurance and substandard care is received. How is it supposed to be when "health insurance" is meant to establish quality of care that care is lorded over you if you do not have the right kind? And of course, you cannot receive care of any kind without health insurance. This has been such a problem for me. For so many years, I have not been able to carry health insurance. And now, when it is so important for me to have it, I cannot afford it. The ones who have insurance are the lucky ones. For those who have insurance are the ones that will live the better quality of life? There is no health insurance for [...]. No matter how much that I work, it is not possible to get it. And now, when I need to have important health screens, I must have to complete a lot of paperwork for charity and for other opportunities through organizations--The American Cancer Association. I have to submit my claims to them. I am thankful for them because they will allow me to get that coverage that I need.
Too, I have finally found somone to chat with regarding my breast cancer and I was to meet with her. I had a client emergency and needed to cancel this appointment. This was canceled. However, she has not called me back again. I am so close and yet so far. I am so close to getting some support and am getting it now. Support for my kiddo through the Probation office. I am getting some work done; but, so much more to go. I am thankful. I am glad that some changes are coming and that things are on the way. It has nearly taken two years since my diagnosis for things to get into place. It has taken nearly two years since I had found my lump. I cannot believe it!!! It does not seem that long ago but it has. It has been a long, long haul with everyone and there has been so much going on. I just cannot believe it. I canot believe that so much has happend. It does not seem that two years has gone by. When I can see five years gone, it will be awesome. But, I know that I must always have screening and testing all the rest of my life. I know that this will be gone for good; but, the necessity of having checks and screening is so very important. This will change the rest of my life.
Changing. Pressing. Pushing.
There is always so much paperwork to be completed. I have to call so many agencies for coverage because there are so many out in the great US that do not have coverage. Then the coverage that is provided by the state is so minimal and is not as widely accepted. There are so many docs out there that do not accept the health insurance and substandard care is received. How is it supposed to be when "health insurance" is meant to establish quality of care that care is lorded over you if you do not have the right kind? And of course, you cannot receive care of any kind without health insurance. This has been such a problem for me. For so many years, I have not been able to carry health insurance. And now, when it is so important for me to have it, I cannot afford it. The ones who have insurance are the lucky ones. For those who have insurance are the ones that will live the better quality of life? There is no health insurance for [...]. No matter how much that I work, it is not possible to get it. And now, when I need to have important health screens, I must have to complete a lot of paperwork for charity and for other opportunities through organizations--The American Cancer Association. I have to submit my claims to them. I am thankful for them because they will allow me to get that coverage that I need.
Too, I have finally found somone to chat with regarding my breast cancer and I was to meet with her. I had a client emergency and needed to cancel this appointment. This was canceled. However, she has not called me back again. I am so close and yet so far. I am so close to getting some support and am getting it now. Support for my kiddo through the Probation office. I am getting some work done; but, so much more to go. I am thankful. I am glad that some changes are coming and that things are on the way. It has nearly taken two years since my diagnosis for things to get into place. It has taken nearly two years since I had found my lump. I cannot believe it!!! It does not seem that long ago but it has. It has been a long, long haul with everyone and there has been so much going on. I just cannot believe it. I canot believe that so much has happend. It does not seem that two years has gone by. When I can see five years gone, it will be awesome. But, I know that I must always have screening and testing all the rest of my life. I know that this will be gone for good; but, the necessity of having checks and screening is so very important. This will change the rest of my life.
Changing. Pressing. Pushing.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
So many times, and again.
There have been so many times that I have just said, "I wish." Perhaps that is an understatement. Perhaps, I should say, "I hope." This has been a very long and difficult walk this past nearly two years now. I cannot believe that from the time of my diagnosis, it has been nearly two years. Come June of this year, I will have had to worry about cancer for two years. I am amazed at how the time has gone by. When I look at the personal ordeal that this has been, I cannot see the passage of time. But, the time has gone. It did not lapse to something else. I am fixated! So much has happned during this time and it has been so ever present in my life. Yes, the chemo and the radiation are complete, but what it has left me in is another story unto itself. This seems so much like the continuing saga--The Chronicles of Caren. Yea, I have said it once before and now, I am saying it again.
So, I have been told that my health insurance throught the state does not exist anymore. I make too much money. So, I was given paperwork for Medical Disability. This is not what I was asking for. Yes, I am working. Yes, I am able to work. No, I do not want to quit working. But, I have no health insurance and so, I have to do something to get it. I am not financially able to afford my own health insurance and so, I must figure something out. No health insurance. How comforting!!! I think that every cancer patient should have health insurance. But then again, OBAMA-care would have it that all of us have to pay for very expensive health care without being able to afford anything else. Insurance is not cheap. Then of course, your co-pays and anything else that is to be attached to it would be the same. I am just not sure. So, with this, the long-lasting side-effects are what I need to have constant care for. Too, continuing treatments of hormones or other stuff is the frustrating thing. How do we keep the beast of cancer back without being seen on a regular basis and have those wonderful bloodtests? Hmmm. Yes, prayer to keep things going. And to use wisdom about how I live my life, eat and exercise. Yes, all of that is very important. All very important. Of course, all very important. I have been concerned and worried; but, I have been very careful not to voice it very much. So, now you know. I am very concerned and worried that my care is interrupted. I make too much money; but, I do not make enough money for health insurance payments. Both my jobs together do not give me enough to earn health insurance or to be able to get to the doc and pay for him/her. Quite frustrating. No health insurance. And this paperwork? I cannot complete it. The questions are asking me as to why I cannot work. When was the last time that I worked and etc. This is not right.
Then, to boot, y kiddo has been doing all kinds of things. There is a warrant out for her arrest for the things that she has been doing. She is on criminal probation and she refuses to comply. I cannot help but to wonder about my breast cancer. No, I do not have cancer now, but what stops me from having the cancer again? Not so sure. But, I know one thing, this is well enough not over. I must have the strength to continue and to be able to endure more to get to the end of the journey and trail. No, I am not saying that it is the end of my life. I am saying for the end of the obligations. I am hoping that I will be able to have health insurance and I must find out what I can do to get it. I am very certain that I must be even far more careful and conscientious with my finances to get that health insurance. OH boy!
What to do; what to say; how to do it; how to say it. I am not disabled! I have to figure some things out.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking beyond.
So, I have been told that my health insurance throught the state does not exist anymore. I make too much money. So, I was given paperwork for Medical Disability. This is not what I was asking for. Yes, I am working. Yes, I am able to work. No, I do not want to quit working. But, I have no health insurance and so, I have to do something to get it. I am not financially able to afford my own health insurance and so, I must figure something out. No health insurance. How comforting!!! I think that every cancer patient should have health insurance. But then again, OBAMA-care would have it that all of us have to pay for very expensive health care without being able to afford anything else. Insurance is not cheap. Then of course, your co-pays and anything else that is to be attached to it would be the same. I am just not sure. So, with this, the long-lasting side-effects are what I need to have constant care for. Too, continuing treatments of hormones or other stuff is the frustrating thing. How do we keep the beast of cancer back without being seen on a regular basis and have those wonderful bloodtests? Hmmm. Yes, prayer to keep things going. And to use wisdom about how I live my life, eat and exercise. Yes, all of that is very important. All very important. Of course, all very important. I have been concerned and worried; but, I have been very careful not to voice it very much. So, now you know. I am very concerned and worried that my care is interrupted. I make too much money; but, I do not make enough money for health insurance payments. Both my jobs together do not give me enough to earn health insurance or to be able to get to the doc and pay for him/her. Quite frustrating. No health insurance. And this paperwork? I cannot complete it. The questions are asking me as to why I cannot work. When was the last time that I worked and etc. This is not right.
Then, to boot, y kiddo has been doing all kinds of things. There is a warrant out for her arrest for the things that she has been doing. She is on criminal probation and she refuses to comply. I cannot help but to wonder about my breast cancer. No, I do not have cancer now, but what stops me from having the cancer again? Not so sure. But, I know one thing, this is well enough not over. I must have the strength to continue and to be able to endure more to get to the end of the journey and trail. No, I am not saying that it is the end of my life. I am saying for the end of the obligations. I am hoping that I will be able to have health insurance and I must find out what I can do to get it. I am very certain that I must be even far more careful and conscientious with my finances to get that health insurance. OH boy!
What to do; what to say; how to do it; how to say it. I am not disabled! I have to figure some things out.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking beyond.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
What goes up, must come down
For the most part, things are never dull. I have to say that no matter what is going on in my home, it is never dull. Even my cats are never dull. But, here of late, I have to say that I have had my share of things that I care not to have. I am tired and full of thought. Today, my kiddo was put into juvie. Yes, the next best thing with the Chronicles of Caren. For the past several months, there have been so many events that have been so stressful. Sure, the cancer diagnosis was enough, but this is more than just that. It has been so predominant in my life and I am frustrated and feel helpless that things cannot change. It has is not nearly a year since my last chemo and now, things are even more crazier than what they have been. Where to begin?
Where to begin? Well, to begin with, this journey seems to be getting a whole lot more difficult and more stresful than what I would have imagined. I would not have guessed that my child would be in more trouble and danger than expected. I fight this all the time. I have said this before. But, the evidence seems to be popping up all over. My kiddo has been involved with things that I have not approvd. Yes, I have guessed that she was capable of such things; but, a parent never wants to invite things more than what they are. However, this past year has been one thing that I have never expected to see. My girl has been through a lot as well as I. It is hard to think of myself at this time when I think of all the things that she has been through that should not have been. To have a child so young to be worrying about having a parent with a serious life changing illness. I have to address the issues of my own mortality; but, she as a teen must face the same thing--my mortality and the aspect of being left alone in a world that is so caustic and not understood. Now, things are what they are. She has been doing so many things and her attitude has been so difficult to address and to manage. Now, there is a possible diagnosis of ADD and more. There is the possibility of dual diagnosis and that prospect is not very good here. I am tired of all of this.
I know that many things have gotten to me, but this is one of the most. Yes, I have been diffcult for many because they have not understood. But, this is much to much. I am tired. So, because of all that has been going on, I have not been able to make all of my medical appointments. This aggravates me to no end. On Sunday, I was in the ER because of my migraines. When I express to the docs what has been going on, they do not look at me favorably. Yes, I know that I must continue to take care of myself for the sake of myself as well as my child. But, at times that is not all that easy. When I am utterly exhausted from the work day, what am I to do? I cannot quit my jobs; I cannot quite take some time off. I am looking forward to taking some time off. I am looking forwad to having some time to rest and to get reacqainted with my bed and the apartment. But, silly me. The obligations that are coming are just a little more than what I had initially anticipated. When I had called the police on my child, I never anticipated that the obligation would be this intense. I knew that it would get to be a battle; but, I did not anticipate all of this. I had to take a stand and to be sure that I would put a stop to all of what was going on. For some reason, some have never thought that I would be going through all of this. I have had no choice but to take a stand on what I have believed and to take a stand and be an advocate for my child.
I know that I must get over some emotional issues, but I am having the most difficult time with it. I know that I must acknowledge that some things will never change; but, I am such a dead-head about it. I know that the help from my church is just not there. I was told--"you have pushed so many away". I have heard this twice. So, this is the aggravation that I must deal with. "Pushed so many people away". hmmmm. This is an issue that no one can understand except the persons who are in the position of understanding--professionals. I have had to endure much during this past nearly couple of years. How can anyone understand? Am I supposed to just acknowledge everyone and have everyone come through my home like bulls in a china shop? First of all, at the diagnosis, they were not there. During the treatments, they were not there. At the end of the treatments, "wow, that was long wasn't it". So, my attitude is what? People say that they understand, but they have not. Simply, they have not. So, now that I have accepted the fact that they are not there, what do I do now? I have been attending another church. This is a small church, indeed. I am not keen on the idea of another church, but I know that the support that I have not received at the home church is not good. "Have pushed people away". This is something that rings in my ears very much. I will not be able to put that behind me for a bit; I am praying that I can get that done. I am believing that I will be able to understand and to let that go. I want to talk to many, but that would be of little good. They did not udnerstand when I was going through chemo, why would they understand now while I am experiencing the most difficult of my parental abilities now. No, there are so many issues going on. There are so many events that have created difficulties right now. These events are not going to go away any time soon. So, what next? What next? I suppose the assumption that we all have something that we should be doing for another person is always there. There is the assumption that there is always some else available to help out. But the reality of it all is that there is no one else there to help out. I would have loved and still would love to have someone come over and discuss things wtih me. That would be great. I would love for someone to come over and help out with a thing or two. But, that does not happen. So, I must lean upon the LORD for that help. That, of course, is my first point of it all. I must always look to HIM for all things. But, at this point in time, I really have never really had a time where the pressures of life are not so demanding. I have never really had a time in my life where things are just easy going. There is always something going on to be my challenge. This is the next context of my inquiry--why is it that these events never stop coming? Am I a glutton for punishement?
I think of so much that has and still continues to go on. I think about my health care. It has been very frustrating to have to experience this. But, even more so, why am I wasting my time with things that should not be?! Am I wasting my time seeking help where help is not going to be? It is not enough to be just praying. Praying allows us to understand where there is difficulty. Acting upon the WORD is the next thing. We are not to be just hearers of the WORD, but doers of the WORD. When are we going to be figuring that out? Pushing people away. Hmmmmm. This is quite the aggravation.
I am working on many upcoming things and event. But, I am working on overcoming. Keep posted. I do not want to sound enigmatic. I simply want to say that what I have experienced has been nothing shy of stupid. Just STUPID!!!
Looking on. Pressing in. Working diligently.
Where to begin? Well, to begin with, this journey seems to be getting a whole lot more difficult and more stresful than what I would have imagined. I would not have guessed that my child would be in more trouble and danger than expected. I fight this all the time. I have said this before. But, the evidence seems to be popping up all over. My kiddo has been involved with things that I have not approvd. Yes, I have guessed that she was capable of such things; but, a parent never wants to invite things more than what they are. However, this past year has been one thing that I have never expected to see. My girl has been through a lot as well as I. It is hard to think of myself at this time when I think of all the things that she has been through that should not have been. To have a child so young to be worrying about having a parent with a serious life changing illness. I have to address the issues of my own mortality; but, she as a teen must face the same thing--my mortality and the aspect of being left alone in a world that is so caustic and not understood. Now, things are what they are. She has been doing so many things and her attitude has been so difficult to address and to manage. Now, there is a possible diagnosis of ADD and more. There is the possibility of dual diagnosis and that prospect is not very good here. I am tired of all of this.
I know that many things have gotten to me, but this is one of the most. Yes, I have been diffcult for many because they have not understood. But, this is much to much. I am tired. So, because of all that has been going on, I have not been able to make all of my medical appointments. This aggravates me to no end. On Sunday, I was in the ER because of my migraines. When I express to the docs what has been going on, they do not look at me favorably. Yes, I know that I must continue to take care of myself for the sake of myself as well as my child. But, at times that is not all that easy. When I am utterly exhausted from the work day, what am I to do? I cannot quit my jobs; I cannot quite take some time off. I am looking forward to taking some time off. I am looking forwad to having some time to rest and to get reacqainted with my bed and the apartment. But, silly me. The obligations that are coming are just a little more than what I had initially anticipated. When I had called the police on my child, I never anticipated that the obligation would be this intense. I knew that it would get to be a battle; but, I did not anticipate all of this. I had to take a stand and to be sure that I would put a stop to all of what was going on. For some reason, some have never thought that I would be going through all of this. I have had no choice but to take a stand on what I have believed and to take a stand and be an advocate for my child.
I know that I must get over some emotional issues, but I am having the most difficult time with it. I know that I must acknowledge that some things will never change; but, I am such a dead-head about it. I know that the help from my church is just not there. I was told--"you have pushed so many away". I have heard this twice. So, this is the aggravation that I must deal with. "Pushed so many people away". hmmmm. This is an issue that no one can understand except the persons who are in the position of understanding--professionals. I have had to endure much during this past nearly couple of years. How can anyone understand? Am I supposed to just acknowledge everyone and have everyone come through my home like bulls in a china shop? First of all, at the diagnosis, they were not there. During the treatments, they were not there. At the end of the treatments, "wow, that was long wasn't it". So, my attitude is what? People say that they understand, but they have not. Simply, they have not. So, now that I have accepted the fact that they are not there, what do I do now? I have been attending another church. This is a small church, indeed. I am not keen on the idea of another church, but I know that the support that I have not received at the home church is not good. "Have pushed people away". This is something that rings in my ears very much. I will not be able to put that behind me for a bit; I am praying that I can get that done. I am believing that I will be able to understand and to let that go. I want to talk to many, but that would be of little good. They did not udnerstand when I was going through chemo, why would they understand now while I am experiencing the most difficult of my parental abilities now. No, there are so many issues going on. There are so many events that have created difficulties right now. These events are not going to go away any time soon. So, what next? What next? I suppose the assumption that we all have something that we should be doing for another person is always there. There is the assumption that there is always some else available to help out. But the reality of it all is that there is no one else there to help out. I would have loved and still would love to have someone come over and discuss things wtih me. That would be great. I would love for someone to come over and help out with a thing or two. But, that does not happen. So, I must lean upon the LORD for that help. That, of course, is my first point of it all. I must always look to HIM for all things. But, at this point in time, I really have never really had a time where the pressures of life are not so demanding. I have never really had a time in my life where things are just easy going. There is always something going on to be my challenge. This is the next context of my inquiry--why is it that these events never stop coming? Am I a glutton for punishement?
I think of so much that has and still continues to go on. I think about my health care. It has been very frustrating to have to experience this. But, even more so, why am I wasting my time with things that should not be?! Am I wasting my time seeking help where help is not going to be? It is not enough to be just praying. Praying allows us to understand where there is difficulty. Acting upon the WORD is the next thing. We are not to be just hearers of the WORD, but doers of the WORD. When are we going to be figuring that out? Pushing people away. Hmmmmm. This is quite the aggravation.
I am working on many upcoming things and event. But, I am working on overcoming. Keep posted. I do not want to sound enigmatic. I simply want to say that what I have experienced has been nothing shy of stupid. Just STUPID!!!
Looking on. Pressing in. Working diligently.
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