Yes, I am thinking of many things. I have been reminiscing upon the last few months and etc. Yesterday, I was asked about how things were going from someone from church. Many things that I had discussed were very emotionally stirring. I was so tired from the weekend; I have worked straight through. Yes, I am very tired. Usually, when I am this tired, I have to take into consideration that my emotions are very rocky. I am stressed and I have to recognize when my stress levels are at the highest.
When I had shared with ES, I regret the share. I have been told many things, but yesterday, I was told that I should be careful about a pity party. I do not ever think that it is what I have been experiencing. I have experienced some of the most horrific things in my home and when I have expressed to this person all of these events, I have been told not to have a spirit of self pity and have a pity party. Hmmm. I get a little upset at the fact that when others want to know what is going on, that I share and stupid comments are left my way. I simply do not understand what others say and how they can feel comfortable with themselves about it. I realize that I have said my own share of things, but I know that I have learned from them and learn to be a little more compassionate. Some things should not be said but should be left alone.
I do understand that the past couple of years have been very difficult. It is hard for me to accept "I love you". I simply do not want to hear it. Love has an accountability that Scripture says we are to do. If I say that I love you, then I must put some effort into it to express what needs to be done. I will show up tired, frustrated and eager to work. Will you? Are you willing to do what is right before the LORD or even your fellow man? Will you stand at the door and fight off the horrors that may come? Will you offer your life for your loved ones? I did. I went to chemo to fight for my life and it is left to mockery.
I have to say, the upcoming months are going to be grueling as well. I have more procedures coming up and I have to be prepared for them all. I have a lot of medical appointments coming up and I need to be ready for it all. I can do this. I have a choice, and I am choosing well. I hope that you choose well.
Pushing in. Pressing forward. Seeking choices.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Sunday, May 27, 2012
The continuing saga of another breast story
It has been well over a week since my procedure and I am mending. It has been a very long week with respect to multiple conversations with the Breast Cancer Screening department of my HMO. I have spoken to the same person multiple times and it is very good to have the same person understand what is going on. I have my return visit with my oncologist in a few days. Am I looking forward to all of this? No! I am not looking forward to being on any hormone supressing therapy. These things make my emotions a veritable roller-coaster and I cannot get the grip that I need for the day. I look forward but not.
Since the procedure, I have had to wear ice packs in my bra. For the first several days, I had to wear them constantly. I had bought several little ice/heat packets at the grocer. They are the cutest little things--they are in a little cloth cover that look like animals and they are able to be heated as well as iced. I have had them iced. It helped quite a bit with the bruising and the swelling. I am very fortunate that I had found them. I had been in so much pain that I had needed to get a perscription for pain reliever. Not so much fun. Still, eight days after the procedure, I am a little uncomfortable, but try to keep my mind off the twinges and stuff. This just gets to be very old very quickly.
My breast health is good. I have been told that the results of the procedure were excellent. I have no concerning cells in the fluid that was aspirated from my breast. This is good news. Actually, this is excellent news; however, they still cannot tell me why my breast continues to be a pain (literally); the next suggestion would be that I might need to go to the surgeon and possibly have an injection into my breast to manage the pain. Well, the whole idea of a needle back to the breast just is enough to put me into panic. Before the breast cancer, I was not as much afraid of the needles as I am now. Ever since the biopsy, I hate the procedures more and more. The biopsy was completed without pain reliever or anesthetic. NO! it was not my choice; it was thrust upon me. This is an issue about multiple procedures that some may not understand. The aspect of continue to preserve the dignity and wellbeing of the patient that is very important. Medical services, among many, need to undestand the importance of checkbacks and follow-ups. This is something that is very quintessential. Folow-ups are part of all care. This is something that should not be overlooked and is done frequently. This is something that must be done. No matter if it is ministry or otherwise. Following-up is important to physical and mental health. Quite simply, it lets people know that they are not alone in their troubles and their plight. This is part of palliative care that must be adhered to. If a nurse or medical representative is not prepared to do that care, then they must learn. This is what has not happened to me. I realize that I comment about this frequently; this is an important factor for care. There must be complete and whole care. If someone does not receive this type of care, then they must examine their clinic and determine if their clinic/HMO does understand what is going on. HMOs can be good organizations if and only IF they do understand the complete aspect of care. What a notion. It would have bee nice for someone to have come to my home to do a follow-up home visit for care. It does matter to me about how I have been treated. I do not subscribe to the "now that this is over, you are on your way" concept. Cancer is the most scary thing a person can be told. I realize that there are other diagnoses out that are equally scary. I cannot imagine being told that I have dementia or anything similar to that. These types of diagnoses must be handled with a strong support system. I am reminded of one of my most favorite Professors. He died last month; he was diagnosed with colon cancer and had made it through the chemo and radiation and had to take a six month sebbatical for the procedures and the care. Within a matter of a few years, he was diagnosed with dementia and passed away just recently. He had a strong support system. He was a monk and the monastic community was there to pray for him and offer the support that he needed. Why is that not available for anyone else? Is it available to anyone else? I am the type of person to ask and get the answers to such difficult questions.
It will be ok. I am ok. I am looking at more procedures and more things every six months. These things are not going away and are not easily overlooked. I am glad that monitoring the situation is nothing. A matter of a few uncomfortable procedures are nothing compared to a life of recurring hot-spots. I am well and continue to seek my wellness. See you there.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Existing in wellness.
Since the procedure, I have had to wear ice packs in my bra. For the first several days, I had to wear them constantly. I had bought several little ice/heat packets at the grocer. They are the cutest little things--they are in a little cloth cover that look like animals and they are able to be heated as well as iced. I have had them iced. It helped quite a bit with the bruising and the swelling. I am very fortunate that I had found them. I had been in so much pain that I had needed to get a perscription for pain reliever. Not so much fun. Still, eight days after the procedure, I am a little uncomfortable, but try to keep my mind off the twinges and stuff. This just gets to be very old very quickly.
My breast health is good. I have been told that the results of the procedure were excellent. I have no concerning cells in the fluid that was aspirated from my breast. This is good news. Actually, this is excellent news; however, they still cannot tell me why my breast continues to be a pain (literally); the next suggestion would be that I might need to go to the surgeon and possibly have an injection into my breast to manage the pain. Well, the whole idea of a needle back to the breast just is enough to put me into panic. Before the breast cancer, I was not as much afraid of the needles as I am now. Ever since the biopsy, I hate the procedures more and more. The biopsy was completed without pain reliever or anesthetic. NO! it was not my choice; it was thrust upon me. This is an issue about multiple procedures that some may not understand. The aspect of continue to preserve the dignity and wellbeing of the patient that is very important. Medical services, among many, need to undestand the importance of checkbacks and follow-ups. This is something that is very quintessential. Folow-ups are part of all care. This is something that should not be overlooked and is done frequently. This is something that must be done. No matter if it is ministry or otherwise. Following-up is important to physical and mental health. Quite simply, it lets people know that they are not alone in their troubles and their plight. This is part of palliative care that must be adhered to. If a nurse or medical representative is not prepared to do that care, then they must learn. This is what has not happened to me. I realize that I comment about this frequently; this is an important factor for care. There must be complete and whole care. If someone does not receive this type of care, then they must examine their clinic and determine if their clinic/HMO does understand what is going on. HMOs can be good organizations if and only IF they do understand the complete aspect of care. What a notion. It would have bee nice for someone to have come to my home to do a follow-up home visit for care. It does matter to me about how I have been treated. I do not subscribe to the "now that this is over, you are on your way" concept. Cancer is the most scary thing a person can be told. I realize that there are other diagnoses out that are equally scary. I cannot imagine being told that I have dementia or anything similar to that. These types of diagnoses must be handled with a strong support system. I am reminded of one of my most favorite Professors. He died last month; he was diagnosed with colon cancer and had made it through the chemo and radiation and had to take a six month sebbatical for the procedures and the care. Within a matter of a few years, he was diagnosed with dementia and passed away just recently. He had a strong support system. He was a monk and the monastic community was there to pray for him and offer the support that he needed. Why is that not available for anyone else? Is it available to anyone else? I am the type of person to ask and get the answers to such difficult questions.
It will be ok. I am ok. I am looking at more procedures and more things every six months. These things are not going away and are not easily overlooked. I am glad that monitoring the situation is nothing. A matter of a few uncomfortable procedures are nothing compared to a life of recurring hot-spots. I am well and continue to seek my wellness. See you there.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Existing in wellness.
Wednesday, May 16, 2012
Something that I am not looking forward to
In a matter of a few days, I will be having yet another procedure. I am not liking the prospects of another procedure; however, it is necessary. For the most part, my breast looks very good. However, I have some fluid building up behind the scar. The doc wanted to know if I had hit it or been bruised or what. I have no idea. It is entirely possible that I have bruised it at work and cannot explain what I did. Just the same, I have to go and have the fluid drawn out. So, on Friday, I will be having this done. When I was told this, I was struck with panic and memories of when I had had the biopsy completed. I had not been given any anesthetic for the procedure. No, I did not opt for that. I was told that it "was going to be just a little longer". Yea, and so the pain continues, doc? I told the Breast Cancer Coordinator that I would not have the procedure done unless they had anesthetic to prepare me for it. She was amazed that I would ever opt to have a procedure without pain reliever. I had told her that I had not opted for that. It just happened and I am forever now suspect when it comes to medical procedures done. She said that I would be able to let them know if my pain changed and from there be able to communicate my needs. I hope so!!!
So, because of the procedure, I have had to reschedule the "family counseling" for another day. I have rescheduled and from there the kiddo, counselor and myself will be meeting. I do not want the kiddo finding out what has been going on; simply, I have never ever thought to remotely have the assumption that I would be manipulating the situation regarding my health and welfare so that the kiddo might be persuaded to not do something. That would be unbelievably horrible. That I would not do. This has been difficult enough, but to include our children in the whole thing? We have to be very certain about how much they know and to what extent they would carry any responsibility if any. This has been difficult, but not impossible. To look back, in retrospect, it is very good to see that I remained unchanged in my promise. The kiddo had never come to any of my chemos. I am glad. It was impossible for anyone to come to the radiation. I am glad. This is not something that was easy to handle. In many ways, it was worse than chemo. But, it was something that I had completed and I am proud to say that I had no compromise. But, it was lonely. I had no other choice. I am here today because of that desire and dedication to keep pressing forward. I suggest that you do too.
Pressing in. Pushing forward. Dedicated to.
So, because of the procedure, I have had to reschedule the "family counseling" for another day. I have rescheduled and from there the kiddo, counselor and myself will be meeting. I do not want the kiddo finding out what has been going on; simply, I have never ever thought to remotely have the assumption that I would be manipulating the situation regarding my health and welfare so that the kiddo might be persuaded to not do something. That would be unbelievably horrible. That I would not do. This has been difficult enough, but to include our children in the whole thing? We have to be very certain about how much they know and to what extent they would carry any responsibility if any. This has been difficult, but not impossible. To look back, in retrospect, it is very good to see that I remained unchanged in my promise. The kiddo had never come to any of my chemos. I am glad. It was impossible for anyone to come to the radiation. I am glad. This is not something that was easy to handle. In many ways, it was worse than chemo. But, it was something that I had completed and I am proud to say that I had no compromise. But, it was lonely. I had no other choice. I am here today because of that desire and dedication to keep pressing forward. I suggest that you do too.
Pressing in. Pushing forward. Dedicated to.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Yes, I believe
I have been thinking back of the last of the radiation treatments. Come May 15th, I will have been out of radiation treatments for a year. I cannot tell you how awesome that feels. No one really understands what I have been addressing unless they have been there. It is difficult to think back to everything that happened last year. Yes, things have been so long and drawn out.
"The radiation has been very hard. Each and every day, I would have to lie down and get burned every day. My armpit and my breast are very burnt and getting dressed is a new experience in pain and discomfort. My breast hurts and I am constantly on pain relievers to help. I cannot express to you the level of pain that I have been able to get accustomed to. I do not like it."
There are no scars now. But, I have been thinking very hard and long about all of these events. I have to stay out of the sun for a while still and keep covered up with some good sun screen. I have SPF 50. That has been working. When I see my wardrobe from last year, it makes me wonder how things worked. I did it!!! I made it through. Now, looking back, I can see just how much things have been so difficult. I am glad things are distancing themselves.
Looking forward. Remembering back. Seeking.
There are no scars now. But, I have been thinking very hard and long about all of these events. I have to stay out of the sun for a while still and keep covered up with some good sun screen. I have SPF 50. That has been working. When I see my wardrobe from last year, it makes me wonder how things worked. I did it!!! I made it through. Now, looking back, I can see just how much things have been so difficult. I am glad things are distancing themselves.
Looking forward. Remembering back. Seeking.
In this journey
In this journey, many things are expected to pop up. Oh, how they have. How do I tell of all the things that have happened during this time? Since my last posting, my breast has been hurting me. Yes, the pain of this all is coming to the front and the angst of having to repeat all of this has been at my forefront. I had to make another appointment to have another mammogram completed. And what they found was hard to hear, but still very good news. I have fluid building up behind the surgical site and it is creating pressure within my breast. Ok. Everything else is benign. That is good news. But the entire aspect of having to get into the machine again was very difficult. Being touched and squeezed and man-handled again was stressful. But, I did it. I was told that the only way to relieve the pressure of the fluid buildup was to have a needle reduction. The fluid would have to be withdrawn from my breast and it had to be done in the facility. Ok. This is a huge issue for me. I did ask for anesthetic and they did reassure me that this would be completed with anesthetic. When I had had the biopsy, there was no anesthetic. This was enough for me to be overwhelmed. I had cried for the remainder of the night. I had to go to urgent care because of my tension headache and migraine. I have new meds for that now. But, the doc wanted me to be able to get some fluids and to sit there while I was helped. But, I would need to have a ride home. Oh, that was the topper. A ride home. I am a single person with no family here and there are little persons to help out with the ride home. I had to refuse treatment because I had had no ride home. When I had gotten home, I made sure to take some of my other meds and then from there was able to sleep for a while and get a better night sleep. But, the angst of it all was enough.
So, now my associate pastor DS wants to know more about what I have been through. So, this weekend, I have spent a lot of time looking through information. I hope that the information that I have will be enough to express to him just how I have been feeling. I want him to share it with his wife and others so they can learn. Too, I have printed up stuff for him regarding rape trauma syndrome. This will be interesting reading. I hope that he will be able to get through it. I really do want someone to understand what I have been going through. I really do want someone to understand what I have had to undergo this past couple of years. It really is not horrible.
I really do want others to understand. I have no intention of being that difficult. But, it is good to have an explanation as to why I am working so hard to have everyone understand what is going on with me. I want to rest. I want to be able to just put my feet up and know that I am not being pressured into doing things. I want to get past all of this. I really do. But, I do not want to worry about people misunderstanding me. I know that it will happen just the same.
Looking forward. Seeking more. Expecting much.
So, now my associate pastor DS wants to know more about what I have been through. So, this weekend, I have spent a lot of time looking through information. I hope that the information that I have will be enough to express to him just how I have been feeling. I want him to share it with his wife and others so they can learn. Too, I have printed up stuff for him regarding rape trauma syndrome. This will be interesting reading. I hope that he will be able to get through it. I really do want someone to understand what I have been going through. I really do want someone to understand what I have had to undergo this past couple of years. It really is not horrible.
I really do want others to understand. I have no intention of being that difficult. But, it is good to have an explanation as to why I am working so hard to have everyone understand what is going on with me. I want to rest. I want to be able to just put my feet up and know that I am not being pressured into doing things. I want to get past all of this. I really do. But, I do not want to worry about people misunderstanding me. I know that it will happen just the same.
Looking forward. Seeking more. Expecting much.
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