Well, I clipped my hair again today. I spoke with N tonight and she was asking me when I was going to let my hair grow out. Hmmm. This is something. I do not know. I do not want any of my clients to get the clue that I had had cancer and I have told them that I have psoriasis. Because of chemo, I had some very interesting things happen to my skin. Thank goodness that I am able to be very convincing. I have been very convincing and everyone that I meet in my regular routines are very good to keep my "secret". I love to go to the same grocery store and everyone knows me there. I have a great crew that will keep my privacy. Even though my aggressive treatments are done, does not mean that everything is done. They are so good to me.
So, I am thinking of walking around without my do-rag at church. I know that many people still look at me strangely and I hate the looks. I suppose it is a change from having everyone look at my breasts instead of my face. There are times I want to be just forward and say, "hey! My face is here. Look up!" Well, that is not going to be the issue. It is going to be a matter of everyone just having the time go by and not remember all that has been going on. Yea, like that is going to happen. My breast still hurts time to time and I have been told that the surgical area will hurt for a little while because of the scars. Well, there are times I would love to go up for prayer and see what Pastor would say. "What can I pray for?" "Geeez, this hurts. Lay your hands on this and make it better". Hmm. Do not think that it will go down all that kool. Oh, well. My sick sense of humor is really doing well these days. I really could use a jump start at times. In the meantime, I must retain as much of my personality as possible. But, I have to say that the clippers did a great job. I realize that I am doing this without a mirror and it is going to be tricky, but, that is the way it goes. I have been doing this now for several months. It actually looks good. So, will I be able to walk around without my head covering? It has been so long that it would feel very different if I did not wear anything. The last time that I did not wear a covering was in church several weeks ago. I got a lot of looks. I suppose curiosity got the best of many.
Now, in the meantime, I will be looking around and seeing. The summer sun and heat will be coming and my hot flashes are getting stronger and stronger. I am glad about that. Yes, that means that my body is doing what it is supposed to be doing. It is supposed to be shutting down and getting ready for the complete change. It is good to do that without the drugs and the chemicals. Nice to know.
Pressing in. Pushing on. Wondering within.
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
Seems like a continuing saga
I know that I have said it so many times regarding the kiddo and things at home. Well, things are home are just that much more challenging and fun. The matters continue and the events that have led up to this point do not stop. They are continuing. I must say that I am very tired of the events and behavior that has occurred over the past several months. These events make it more and more impossible to seek after my healthcare. I have to make more consession over what is going on. I have to take more of my energies and devote it to the kiddo. Yes, our children are very important to us; but, there is a point where we lose our identity in them and we must be able to keep our health at the same time. It gets to be a very difficult thing for me. But, I am working diligently to keeping my records in order and getting on with the order of my life. How am I supposed to behave? I just do not know anymore. There are so many things going on.
I will get through this. I will get beyond what is bothering me. I will move past the point where things are not so difficult and things are less stressful. I remember thinking that I would not make it past chemo. I was actually at a point where I did not feel that chemo would ever end and a life did exist past it. Now, I can see that it does. Yes, there are days that are very difficult. My migraines are very frustrating. I have to admit that. My body is more sore; but then again, I am getting older. But, it should not mean that my whole day can be so laid up at times. Easter Sunday, for example, was a very difficult day. I had had a migraine and I was not good for anything. I was not good for anyone either. I had to sleep the entire day through and then I had some coffee. Oh, what a day that was. It was quiet and I did not have to do anything for anyone. But, it would have been nice to have some company.
I get frustrated at the behaviors of others. I know that I should not because I have no control over others. I get more frustrated at others who know the apparent difference between right and wrong and still continue to act the way they do. I do not want to sound like a scorn woman. I just want to say that some things could change. Really, they do need to change. Perhaps, I am working to hard on making a change. This change, I want for me. Of course, we all have something to change. But, I want some changes in me. I want to be a different person. I hate what lies within, but I like what is coming out.
Looking. Seeking. Having it all come out.
I will get through this. I will get beyond what is bothering me. I will move past the point where things are not so difficult and things are less stressful. I remember thinking that I would not make it past chemo. I was actually at a point where I did not feel that chemo would ever end and a life did exist past it. Now, I can see that it does. Yes, there are days that are very difficult. My migraines are very frustrating. I have to admit that. My body is more sore; but then again, I am getting older. But, it should not mean that my whole day can be so laid up at times. Easter Sunday, for example, was a very difficult day. I had had a migraine and I was not good for anything. I was not good for anyone either. I had to sleep the entire day through and then I had some coffee. Oh, what a day that was. It was quiet and I did not have to do anything for anyone. But, it would have been nice to have some company.
I get frustrated at the behaviors of others. I know that I should not because I have no control over others. I get more frustrated at others who know the apparent difference between right and wrong and still continue to act the way they do. I do not want to sound like a scorn woman. I just want to say that some things could change. Really, they do need to change. Perhaps, I am working to hard on making a change. This change, I want for me. Of course, we all have something to change. But, I want some changes in me. I want to be a different person. I hate what lies within, but I like what is coming out.
Looking. Seeking. Having it all come out.
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Entering the gambit..more to come
The countdown begins. In a matter of a few hours, I will be sitting before the Judge to explain matters. No, I have not done anything wrong. I had paperwork that was not complete and for the most part, I have to provide that. I have. I have made multiple phone calls and faxes to the important people and they have been able to find what was lost and needed to be provided. When I had first inquired, the files were not found. But, when I had faxed over what I had in my files, it was a completely different story. The files needed to be located and from that point, they were found. I am very blessed about that. But, the matter at hand will not end there. It will be up to the court to determine if they want to get more information than what I initially have. At least, I will not have to pay for it. It will be the burden of the court to determine what will be next.
It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.
This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.
So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.
So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.
Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.
I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.
Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.
It does seem like it is a gambit. I seem to be needing to run the entire race before I can get any type of action. If it is not one thing, it is another. I have a choice to make and I have to really consider this very hard to determine what is the best outcome. I must choose if it is best in the interest of my child to return back to the home or for the child to remain out in services. A couple of days ago, I was told some very difficult things. I met a young "man" who has been one of my kiddo's associate in the forray of her drugs and alcohol. Oh, by the way, did I say what the mess was about? Yes, she has been doing many things. I have had to call her in as a runaway for the past 10 months or so. There have been so many days where I have had to call her in as a runaway. The longest she was gone was two weeks. Then she was arrested. Then she spent a week in Juvie and then off to a half-way house. So, now she is with a "friend" who will be keeping an eye on her. So very interesting though--no one has been around and so I have been highly suspect of what her motives have been. This is very difficult. Why would someone who was not there during the ordeal want to be here now? Should I accept this effort now and accept it as something that really is merely what it is? This torments me.
This is just part of the gauntlet. Sometimes I would love to have a "throw-down" but it does not happen. I would love to be satisfied with some answers but they do not come. I would love to see the end of this tunnel, but it does not come. It seems that the gauntlet continues.
So, with all of that in mind, the kiddo will be needing to go through a lot of stuff. She will be needing to complete many assessments and to continue to seek after her own wellness. There is nothing worse than being a teenage substance abuser and alcoholic. This has hurt me deeply. The things that have been said to me from her have been deeply injurious and I must understand that they have been said through the influence of these substances. It really amazes me. And grown-ups want to have this as part of their lives? I was offered medical marijuana but I refused. I refused because I am not a hypocrite and will not take elicit drugs to make me feel better. I cannot imagine anyone else in such pain and that nothing can stop the pain otherwise. I cannot understand using such garbage to make themselves feel better. Then again, no one can understand the course of breast cancer. I was lucky and very blessed. Others have not been. I have lost several people to cancer. One day, it will be my time and I hope that those who love me will be there to witness me leave this life. In the meantime, I certainly hope that it will not be this person. Then again, I can imagine her saying "But, I have taken care of your daughter and this is the thanks that I get?" Well, I wonder. Really, I do. I wonder all the time. When we say, "I care", do we really? One of my best friends was so irate when I had expressed to him what all the details were about. This was last weekend. I had told him about all that was going on and that I was waiting on key faxes for the court. I was expressing to him that I was heavily weighing the option of allowing my kiddo to remain out of the home. There are so many things that I wanted to express and did my best to convey my thoughts. How am I doing? Do you understand me so far? Yea...he did.
So, this means that the kiddo will be out of the home throughout the holidays and possibly back to the home next year. But, I might decide that she become emancipated. She must learn a lesson. She decided to venture out and get stoned and wasted. In the same aspect, someone might say that the addiction was just too much and she really had no choice. Perhaps. But, the choice must remain hers. She decided. So, natural consequences are that she must do the time. Too, she will have all those wonderful medical appointments that she has never wanted. She has had sexual relations with almost everyone. What part of that do I not like? All of it!! When a woman becomes sexually active, she must begin her lifelone career of pelvic exams. Yea. The wonderful pelvic exam. She will have no other alternative to have them. She will fight them. Afterall, it was fun having the sex, then it will be fun being able to have the medical appointments to make sure that she is healthy and cared for.
Now, with this going on, I will be able to concentrate on my medical appointments. I have been hot flashing!! Yes, I have been hot flashing all on my own. This is good news because that means that my ovaries are doing what they are supposed to be doing naturally without any assistance from any medication. But, I do remember that when I would have hot flashes, I would have more headaches. I will be keeping a log about all of this and determining what the triggers are. I hate these things; but, I hate being sick even more.
I have been working on exercising more as well. It is a very good thing to be working out and to be getting focused on things that are healthy. I want so much to be able to do the Susan G Koman this year. But, it is not possible to get that done. I will be working on training just the same. To stay alert and healthy, I have been stretching and working. Ah, I purchased Richard Simmons! Yes, because of chemo, my body is a little bit more sore and tight and I have been working diligently to keep myself stretched and limber. It really is the best way. Too, the past several weeks of stress has been so difficult to my body. I have to keep a close eye. Yes, I know--always keeping a close eye. But, we have to now because of the post chemo life.
Looking. Seeking. Not sure I want things to be found.
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