And so ... it continues

So, today is another day. I woke up to a stuffy, sore, crusty nose. I have to be very careful about how I touch it and blow it. But, I am working hard at turning the heat off, opening the windows and getting some moisture back into the apartment. Too, I am tired of just so much and I want to get the feeling of being on top and in control again. I feel that I am held hostage by this body and that if I do anything, I risk getting sick or injured. I hate this feeling. I do not feel like a vibrant woman; rather, I feel like a shell of a person just waiting for something else to happen. I do not want anything else to happen. My shoulders, hands and wrists are sore and that just lets me know that I need to rest some.

I am back to cleaning everything again and back to the same full schedule. I am tired, but I have little recourse as to my obligations. I look around and see all the work that needs to be gotten done and the time that I do not have to obligate myself to them. But, I know that it is one pile at a time. It is not as bad as it looks, but the mess is creating undue anxiety. I feel like my world has been turned upside down. Yes, I know that it has.

I cannot wait for summer. I cannot wait to be able to have long, fun filled days of getting out and about without issue or cause. Yes, I know that I cannot play any sports or participate in anything that might create bodily injury to me. Ha! Just doing housework is enough for that. Caution to the wind, full brass to the walls! (yea, have to keep it clean).

What next?

Pressing on. Pushing on. Guessing on.

Starting the new week

Well, this is just starting to get to me. My nose is really irritated, raw and bleeding. Not to mention, it is sore to the touch. So, I have been crying and this hurts more to cry and blow my nose than it is to just breathe. I boiled a gallon of water to help return moisture back to the air; I included some salt for retention and make it more saline. I will have to keep a pot of water on the stove for this duration.

My hands are raw and sore and I wore my braces to bed again last night. I think that I am done! Not that I have a choice. I get to look forward to two more months of this daily torture and mayhem. Can it start raining again anytime soon? That moisture we take for granted! Oh, please let it rain!

So, Saturday is going to be my Aunt's memorial. And too, my client's mother's anniversary of her death is the same day. OH YEA! So, who is going to hold my hand in all of this? I am so excited about being a bloomin' mess! Let's sell tickets! And all that crying and my nose? OH, LORD have mercy!

Paperwork this week and I hope to get it all done on time. I have a lot of it and I need to get it started for insurance and for everything else. One of the ladies at church had offered to help out with things at my home. Where to start? I got it! Let's put on some Thousand Foot Krutch/PETRA, crank the music so no one can hear me scream and then from there, put on a happy face! Nah, anyone who knows me will not believe that--or! maybe they might. Ready, set go!

Pushing on. Pressing on. Peeving on!

Thises and thats

So, this is how it is. I have started a second aspect of the blog to address the rape and the sexual assault. The "things" that I have mentioned time and again are being addressed accordingly. This is not going to be easy for me and I know that I will not want to discuss many of these issues; however, it is necessary.

Today I have been experiencing a lot of pain as well. My shoulders hurt, my left breast area has hurt; my hands are raw; my nose is sore, raw and bloody; and my lips are dry. The heat that I keep on for warmth has been wreaking mayhem on my body. I need to keep warm because I am cold all the time from chemo now. But this heat is messing me up. I usually do not need the heat at all; but this year with chemo has been nothing shy of uncomfortable. I am not happy and am trying to keep my life in a good balance. I am working hard on that. There are days that I am not all that successful. I am praying.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Balancing on.

Things hidden

Today was a very interesting day. So much has happened today that I do not want to leave out any details. I worked all day and it was awesome. I am very tired and my stomach feels like I have been punched hard. But, I was very sure to get a deli sandwich and eat it! And it was awesome! Including the onions!! I love the veggie paninis with the Havarti cheese. It is a nice touch. So, I finished off a bottle of cranberry juice as well. It was slow, but I got it done. My mouth is sore and eaten up by the chemo and I have to be careful about temperature when eating. Everything cool is great. I have to wait for my coffee to cool to be able to enjoy it. Boy! It is nice though.

So, made a huge mistake today. While at client number two's house, I took off my jacket and my client asked what happened to my arm. I hate that I did not think ahead and just roll my sleeves some. I do not want people to see my bruises from my chemo treatments. I have always believed that my body should remain unmarked and clean. Medical treatments are different. Being told that I will have a tattoo on my body from radiation is enough for me. But, quickly, I did express that a client injured me--LORD, forgive me for lying. She noticed my hands as well. They are so tore up from washing and the side effects of chemo. They look like hamburger--raw, irritated and red. I wear my fingerless gloves to hide my redness and have to take them off when I am at work providing service. Arg! Things will improve, I know. If the disease does not kill me, the cure will!

I had to buy balm for my lips and my nose as well. I am red, raw and bleeding in my nasal passages. A combination of this weather and the side effects of chemo are driving me batty! But, having to remember, that this is only for a short time.

So, then two of the other gals and I had a great time of fellowship. We prayed, we had conversation and we encouraged one another. It is good to give encouragement. These emotions came welling up again; they are just what I do not need. I have been thinking of my Aunt and how it has been angering that I cannot travel anywhere until this whole ordeal is done. Then just the emotions of yesteryear. Should I or should I not share? I know that it happened a long, long time ago but these things rear their ugly head. It is something that just is not forgotten--no matter how hard it is buried. Buried, but not dead. Insecure? Perhaps. Irate? Yes. Mending? Slowly. Comfortable? No. Silent? Yes. I cannot believe this at times. Amazing how the sting just comes back to haunt. But, it will be ok.

My body is going through changes and I do not like them. I miss my family and I cannot do anything about it. These emotions are rolling around and I cannot stop them. I feel helpless and just at the beck and call of whatever is going on. They seem to rule me and it does not help me at all. Again, share? Fear, judgment, chastisement, lack of respect, indignance--they are all there. Sometimes the battle is just the beginning, and sometimes the battle is just the thing that stirs things up. I am stirred up and need to get into battle. I am tired and I am going to win.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Battling on.

Thanksgiving Day!

I have had a stunning day! I was able to eat more than what I had expected to eat. I was prepared to not eat anything what I was hoping. Some things are still very sensitive. I cannot eat chocolate. I know that for certain. Some spices are great and I can eat salsa! Gotta love salsa! But, I have to train my stomach with some foods. That does not bother me at all. I still have to eat carefully. It is tiring to eat and then resting after that. I did end up taking a nap after and that was very refreshing. But, I do know that my day has been full and I am very tired from it. I am very thankful for this all.

I have noticed that I am drying out more. I need to have more lotion and to be very careful to look for skin breakdowns. I am using good lotion and wearing my gloves after. My hands are all dried and cracked and my nose is dry and nasal passage dry and a little bloody. I will have to keep water going on the burner for humidity.

All in all, I am very thankful. Looking forward to Sunday service and to just enjoy. I wish there were more services.

Pushing on. Pressing on. WHA!

Enter the Holidays

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving and I am not sure how I am going to be able to handle the meals. I was given a basket and I donated it out. There is no way that I am going to be able to eat all of that food as well as to keep it in my home without being sick. So, I know that Geoff's family will be able to eat that. There are three boys and his mom and that will be more important to me. Just walking through the grocery store can be more than a chore. I have to tell myself--stay focused and head for the food you need. I look at the sandwiches in the deli and long to have one with jalepenos! I am looking forward to some Thai! I will press on with that one! So, I got a trusty turkey and cream cheese bagel, cranberry juice, and two oatmeal cookies (one that I shared with my client). It is so nice to spend time with the client because there is no knowledge of how I am feeling. I am free to be just who I am and not worry. There are days when I could fall asleep while she is talking to me, but I hold my own. I love it when I have to recall a conversation and she says "did you hear what I said?" sure! "bla bla bla" Ha! I was right! Too, the smells of her home are kool! No worries of being "physically compromised!" But, I do have to keep my sleeves rolled down so she does not see my "war wounds". She would be very upset to see those and to figure out what they were from? I hope not!

So the weekend will be coming and I will be working throughout. This is refreshing, but I am tired. It will be good to just sleep. Sleep is so nice these days. I am remembering to take some pain reliever before I go to bed and things will be good sleeping. Mimi loves it when I am asleep too. She walks all over me, bathes me and purrs loudly! Ha, betcha she does not realize. I am so loved! Well, at least by the furbabies. I feel so loved and beautiful!

Now, to get past the holidays and the smells. I have my running shoes!

The furbabies

I am very curious as well. My little Mimi cat has been very clingy to me lately. This appears to be bothering her just as much. I have cried and her little meows have changed. A couple nights ago, I woke up to all stretched out and she curled up on my armpit--the surgical armpit! I really do not get it. I know that our furry children get emotional as well. Bless the little furbabies.