New adventures in ... not sure

Well, on Wednesday (a couple days ago), I had gone to a very interesting meeting--a support group for Breast Cancer survivors. This was more interesting than I had ever imagined. In this group, there were five of us altogether. I was the youngest of them all. The eldest of the batch was well inter her 70s. This woman was certainly a very courageous woman; in her first cancer, she was treated with cobalt instead of chemo. I cannot imagine having to go through such an incredibly intense treatment. This was a difficult meeting to attend; when I had shared my story, I did not imagine that my story was something a little more intense.

I think the most difficult part of all of this was that others had support systems. From all of the previous postings, it is easy to see just how much of a support system that I have had during all of this. So much has been an incredible shame about what has not happened about all of this. The persons that I wanted to lean on and the persons that were not there are completely different. But, most importantly, what has not been understood about comforting a person during a very critical part of their life is very needed. So much has happened and there was and is currently a huge need for comfort and support.

The diagnosis is something that changes a person's life. This change can be a positive thing depending upon the support that is offered. I had heard these women say again, several times, that they would probably go through chemo again if they needed to. I was the only one that said that I was uncertain if I could ever go through chemo again. When I look back at the physical pain that I had experienced in all of this, I cannot say that I would be willing to go through it again. But when I look back at how this impacted others' lives as well? I am uncertain about how to explain. I am thankful for a stronger walk with the LORD; I know where my help comes from. This is not a platitude. It is something that has strengthened my walk day after day. There have been so many days where I have not wanted to mingle or continue in anything that I have done. When it seemed that all hope was lost, there was strength; there was joy; there was some gleam of happiness. No, the cancer is not back; but, the difficulties that it has created are not gone. I look forward to them being gone soon.

Looking. Hoping. Seeking.

Today I continue ... I really do not want to

I am tired. I am so very tired of the same types of pain that persists and does not go away. Today, I have another headache that is just shy of a migraine. It is tiring and very stressful. I look forward to no more pain. However, I am very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to keep continuing. Funny how things are able to be that way. I get to look back at the days where I was plugged into the most horrible of soup. I remember my first chemo treatment. I remember thinking that "well, I think that I can do this". Then, the biggest bruise on my lower arm that stayed for days. One of my clients wanted to know what had happened--I had to lie. I had said that a client had done it. The bruise was that bad. But, no one can tell me about what is to be expected after chemo treatments are completed. These chronic migraines and headaches are really weighing on me. I have been so frustrated with these migraines and so saddened that they continue. But, this is post life that I must get very acquainted with. I have to be able to make it my "friend" and not fear it; but, the outlines of this friendship must be defined. I have to learn how to cope and manage my life with such a "friend" and not a foe.

Today, I have felt burnt out and ready to just relinquish many things. But, quitting is not an option. I have been tempted to just quit school, lay low and just retreat. But, all of this is not an option. I have started school back up again for one great purpose--I have been told many stupid things in my time and to have others be told the same is just beyond me. People need to know accuracy and truth, and rightness. I have to keep going. I worry very much. I worry that these headaches will continue to a point that they will disable me from doing what I want to do and need to do. I worry that these headaches will become what take me down and not be able to continue to be productive. I will continue to pray and to be sure that I take good care of myself.

Today, I will continue despite wanting to just be sitting back and relax from all of my work and endeavors. I want to take more time off and rest. But, my true sabbatical will come. And that is what I am truly looking forward to. I must practice the art of sabbatical.

Looking forward. Believing on. Not relinquishing.

Something and not just nothing

For the past several weeks, I have had the worst migraines. They have been quite disabling to me; in fact, they have been so powerful that I have gotten so far behind in things. But, today, after a very long time, I am migraine free. I have a headache, but nothing compared to what I have had. Over the past several weeks, this has been a teaser. I would get a lighter headache only to be getting ready for another one. One right after the other; dizziness, upset stomach, pain in my eyes, and light-headedness. All of this has been so overwhelming to me. It has kept me awake at night and has woken me from sleep. I have been on some powerful medications and I have not cared for that.

What triggered all of this? At the end of January, we had a family counseling cession at the counselor's office. There was aromatherapy done the cession before and it was lit when we arrived. The smell was so powerful that I had to ask for a window to be opened. Within a few minutes, I could feel the headache starting and from that point, I was going downhill all the way. I had had time to get to the grocery store and then get home before it really hit. I had to take some pain reliever and from that point onward, it was too much. Within a couple days, I had to go to urgent care and get some pain reliever. But, from that point, I had had two infected ears, and a massive migraine. I was given some very strong pain reliever and when I had gotten home, I was feeling very poorly. I was experiencing a reaction to what was given me. I ended up having to call the ambulance and be taken to the hospital. That was  not an easy night and it was the most frustrating of them all. I got to the ER, lost my cookies (really good) and from there had to wait to get an IV for fluids. One thing, though.

I get frustrated. No one advocated for me. I wonder when the next time I am confronted with this if I will need to just walk out. I had had an invitation to go to church at another place a few weeks ago. I got there and had to leave because the anointing oil was so strong. I did not want to stick around and have to worry about another repeat of a week or so before. My head has hurt in ways that I have not had ever. I get irate at the concept that others will not advocate on my behalf when I am in need. I did express some things to the counselor; however, I do not know if the counselor will be able to understand the importance of advocation for some time. Perhaps being able to write about it on paper is one thing; to actually understand what it means is yet another. Do we really know what it means to advocate for someone? Will we be able to really compassionately understand what we need to do for others?

Compassion, regardless, is quintessential to our being. We need it; we require it; we need to provide the comfort.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Something more.

Moving along and moving into things

Today, my emotions are very rocky. I really do not know who to express these emotions to. This past couple of weeks, I have had the most tumultuous days. I have had the flu for nearly three weeks and my kiddo has been moved back into my home. After several months (nearly a year) of being in juvie and two foster homes, she is back.  I had to ask my Pastor--why did my family have to suffer so much? I do not know. I may not ever know, but I do know one thing. The LORD has promised that all things work for good for those who love HIM. Simply put, that what happens for our destruction can and will be turned around. We must be willing to continue to keep things going on.

I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful. 

Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it. 

Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been. 

Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! So, this has been a very, very long year that was just finished. There has been so much that has occurred that I cannot even want to revisit this. But, there is still much to accomplish and to contemplate. Today, I have the flu. This has been coming on for the past few days. Now, this is day number 5 and I am so tired from all of this. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram and from there, will be making an appointment to see my surgeon to be sure to get my other breast examined. Yea, always having to advocate for my rights and my health. We are never to stop that. But, today, I am so tired and full of emotions.

Yesterday, I got the news of a lifetime. My kiddo wants to move back in. I do not know how I feel about it all. I do know that I have missed her, but I do not miss the anguish and I do not want to put her in a spot again with my health. There was a lot done and a lot said. This past year has been nothing more than difficult. I have felt like I have not been able to breathe. Can I breathe now? I am not sure I know how to breathe. This cancer walk is not done. The shadow of all of this is still here at home and it is not going to go away anytime soon. I want it to go away very soon. I want to breathe again.

So, now, counseling is tomorrow and we will be discussing this all. I want to get a list of "demands" together and to present them to the counselor that we might be able to discuss them. I do not want to get her in here and worry about things all over again.

We shall see.

Looking. Hoping. Believing. Trusting. 

As the saga continues

Wow. It has been a long time since my last posting. So much has happened that I cannot tell you just where it has stopped. Well, the continuing saga of having to fight for my healthcare has been ongoing. In May, I got my health insurance AGAIN! this time, it was provided through my employer and not through the state. This has been exciting. I have worked so hard with all of these jobs that it is finally the way to get everything done. 

If you recall, I had had my MRI for both breasts. Yes, that was not the most exciting thing that happened. Having to get my mammo every six months is the outcome. I have fluid behind the incision and this is something that I will have for some time. However, I do not have anything built up in my lymph nodes. I have a mammo on Wednesday and from that point, I will be rescheduling again with my surgeon. I will need to have an MRI, every year, for the rest of my life. I am considered to be high-risk. I am glad to have all of this.

On my last oncology appointment, my blood-work was excellent and my oncologist is very pleased. I have been working very diligently on taking good care of myself. I exercise and am looking forward to more. Since radiation, I have gained 35 lbs that does not want to come off. I was able to take 10 of it off, but the rest is so very difficult. I have been walking and doing more and look forward to doing more.

The matters with my kiddo are dynamic. They have been changing and they have been ok. We have been in family counseling and court several times. She was in one foster family and they did so much for her. Her behavior and attitude got her kicked out. Now, she is a home closer and she has been improving. But, her health is still a very large concern. Since my cancer diagnosis, so much has happened. Yes, she confirmed that the party that she had had on her birthday was the day she lost her virginity. They party they had had was enough. I do remember that very well. 

My kiddo has admitted that she is depressed and suicidal. In fact, she has attempted. In fact, two of my family members, in a two-month period, tried. Imagine that. When I had heard all of this, I just wanted to heave. I cried so hard on both of them. My kiddo's life has been changed forever. She has been in contact with so many of her other family members and not all of them have been accepting or wanting of her. I cannot express how much my heart has been aching over all of this. The experiences of substance abuse and now her mental health. This upcoming year will be quite the defining line for many things. I am not sure how I am going to address these things. 

So, I am now working on getting a prosthesis. Yes, my tatas are different sizes and I need to be looking at something that will help out. I am tired of all of this. My hair is getting more full and I am looking at putting all this behind me. 

Looking for new churches and looking for aspects of security. Look in my other blog. The explanation is there.

Looking forward. Looking hard. Expecting a lot. 

There and back again and again

I am there again. I have another appointment for an MRI for my left breast. The pain and the discomfort has been so much that I have not been able to wear a bra. I have to say, this is getting quite old. This discomfort has been existing for several weeks; I was able to get into the appointment rather quickly. I am considered as "high risk" for the type of cancer that I had. At my age and my history of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), I am high risk. So, I have expressed to the nurse that I need to have a sedative for the procedure. I will be in the MRI for a bit. There will be a contrast needed and then from there, imagery of my breast. What the doc is looking for specifically is under the scar and to determine if there i sanything else going on. I was told that the pain could be one of many things--the surgical procedure itself; the exercises that I have been doing; some cancer cells that did not get "killed" from before. I will not accept that any cancer cells did not get seen. I just will not accept that.

The procedure is enough for me at this point. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me and looking out for me now. Now. Hard to say that. After such a long, long time, it is hard to believe that others are there for me. I have prayed for it and I have believed for it. Oh, how much has gone in with the family situation. I just do not know where to begin.

The kiddo. So much to say about her. She was kicked out of the foster placement and now in a new placement. From what I do understand, the placement is not good. The chances of smoking and stuff being done again is really good. The counseling appointments have been placed on hold for the time being. I sure wish I knew what was going on. I cannot even go to see her. There are times that I miss her beyond my own breathe; but, I realize that I cannot withstand her behavior. I will not put up with the drugs, alcohol, sex, and smoking. She has been out of control for some time.

What I really hate the most is hiding a lot of this from so many. With all of what has been going on, it is hard to just open and share. How do I share? How do I just say "by the way..." I keep it from work, of course. I keep it from as many as I can. How do I share? How do I say what needs to be done? Not many can possibly understand what has been going on. I am careful to not get involved with too much that might require an explanation. I try not to get involved with things that people might want to get to know me. How do I explain what has been going on? I have been so emotionally needy and demanding. How anyone has survived me during this difficult time. Oh, how the days have been so difficult.

I try to keep myself busy with things. I try hard to not think about what is going on. It makes it easier in the day to not think about her. I have been thinking of taking her pix down and just packing them away so I do not have to be reminded. I am trying to change a lot in the home to take the reminders down and away. I miss her like I miss my heartbeat. But during this time, I look forward to more ease and less reminders. I look forward and not to the side or behind me. I have to not be distracted by what has been going on. It is hard. With the balance of the kiddo and the medical, it is still very difficult. Everyone thinks that it is that easy. It really is not. I just make crisis look normal.

I shaved my head again. Keeping it short because I have broken out with rashes and stuff in my scalp. As much as I want my hair to grow, I am concerned about the rash coming back again and again. I am so eager to look normal again. So many people are looking and I need to keep my head covered from the looks. I hate the looks. I have been told to not let it bother me. I hate it very much. I hate having to be working to not have things bother me. I hate things bothering me. I want peace from the burden. So, I will be keeping away from some people and will not be sharing a whole lot with others. I am so tired of it all. I am looking forward to change. Good change. I am looking forward to a vacation.

Looking forward. Seeking onward. Reaching carefully.