More than just being

As I am approaching my next chemo treatment, #4, I am a little bit apprehensive about how I will be tolerating it. My previous treatment did not go well. After this treatment, I will have only two more to go. I am very excited about that for many reasons. The chemo treatments have been hard to deal with emotionally. I have noticed that my behavior has been more changed prior to the chemo treatments. The apprehension of the upcoming treatments is hard to bear. I am not looking forward to the treatment; I have a better understanding what a reaction does and can bring me. I am looking forward to never having to experience it again. It is amazing--if the disease does not kill you the treatment will.

According to the doc, the treatment can cause my hair to fall out and more nausea. Well, the hair is already out and the nausea will be something that I will have to see about. I pray that all will go well. I will have someone from the church with me for company and we shall see how things go. It is definitely going to be a long day.

I am feeling like I want to cry more and hard, but that will not make any difference regarding things. I have to keep myself in control. This week, my hormones have been raging as well. I have been experiencing more hot flashes as well. I had to put my head in the freezer to keep myself cool. After that, I got a bag of frozen beans and had to put that on my head to keep me cool. That has a mixed set of emotions for me. I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Looking forward.

When things happen

Today I had to go to the kiddo's school to address some things that were brought up about family stuff. This has been the first time that I have had to really express how the chemo has been for me to people who have not been part of this journey. This is very wierd to be telling others about my chemo. Just the same, this has been very angering to have to address something like this again. This type of stuff actually has been very good to maintain my energy. Every so often, I good burst of adrenaline helps the balance of the energy.

I have been working out as well. I am working hard to develop a workout schedule with exercises that are appropriate for me. I am finding that converting my open kitchen area to a small dojo has been quite rewarding in the stead. My energy has been good and my ROM has been great. However, I have noticed that I need to be stretching more and getting my high-kicks up higher. This is going to be interesting. I am noting that I am seeing more definition to my arms and am feeling very good. My incisions are healing nicely and things are slightly knotted. However, I am beginning to see true definition from the surgery. Everthing is looking good and there is no pain or discomfort.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Definition on.

What to expect

What to expect--I am not always able to address that one succinctly. Just when I thought that it was ok, things just come and snap me again. Today was an awesome day at church. My energy level has been crazy and I cannot guarantee that things are going to be the same the next moment. I can stand for a few and then I have to sit. I can walk and then have to stop. The world just keeps changing on me. I look forward to more energy and to being able to be more consistent in energy output. But, that is not always going to happen. I get excited easy. Then I loose it. I get eager for things and then I loose it.

My body temperature is changing as well. All night I had hot flashes that kept me awake. I am looking forward to just being cooler. I am told that I need to be more careful about not getting sick. But there are days that I could walk around in shorts and a T and that would be just perfect. I am looking forward to the warmer weather coming so I can just wear my bandanna instead of the knitted hat as well.

Who knows, perhaps I might go au-naturalle!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Au-naturalle!

The weekend

This is an incredible day today. My family are on the plane coming to see me. I am excited beyond all compare that this is happening. My family, the ones that understand me regardless of my behavior. This acceptance should be more available but is not always. I can feel safe to be me and not worry about judgment or mocking comments or gestures. This is more painful than what the illness can bring. Why should I worry about what people have to say? Having an illness like this has a stigma that is attached. I am well. I am fine; however, not everything is understood by others.

I am excited that my family will be here to simply be supportive. No matter what, the fears will be calmed for a season. My fears will be calmed and acceptance replaced. No matter what, it will be well. No one should be made to feel that they do not have a refuge even for a season. I understand that others' feelings and motives are not mine and I should not be made to feel that way--classic transference.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Feeling on.

So this is Friday

I feel like this is a Bruce Lee movie--Enter the Dragon. Although my zodiac sign is a scorpion and I was born in the year of the dragon, this seems very fitting to be feeling like this. This week has been crazy--pure and simple. I was told by my doc that I have been thrown into menopause. Oh, that makes a whole lot of sense in things. I can understand the feelings that have been so rocky and so crazy. I wonder what I look like to others. Well, today, I was told one thing--now I know. I have so many more questions and yet, my target seems lost once again. I am looking forward to this target staying still.

I was told today that my behavior is turning people away. That makes a whole lot of sense. I am the type of person that will avoid others if that is what really is going on. I will avoid others because of the perception of what things "might" be going on. I certainly do not want others to be felt obligated to be anything other than what they are; however, these days are very difficult and I am not willing to just lie back. I have been told about others who have had breast cancer that they did avoid certain people because of the judgment and the comments that have been made. I am reaching that point very quickly. I am reaching that point where the emotions will be just fine at home and not pressing on to others about how I feel. I have always understood from my work that this is a normal response to when someone feels "ugly or unwanted". I have been with my "folks" when they have felt that they need to be separated because of how others have made them feel. Now, I am on the other side of things. This is how I feel right now. I do not want to sound like a defeatist; however, I can understand the point of "what is the use". The harder that I push, the more difficult it becomes. The more difficult it becomes, the harder I become. I have gotten to that point once again. I feel myself getting harder and I almost enjoy it. My defense mechanisms are up and I am not enjoying that others are just that selfish or ignorant. However, this is the general population. There is a small percent of people who are very sympathetic to events like this. Where are they? Can I come and visit?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Visiting on.

A new day a new week

This morning, I am taking my little one to the doc's office. She is very ill and I am very anxious about what is going on. I cannot afford being sick and she is not feeling well at all. She may have a sinus and ear infection. I know that she feels horrible. She has been spending the time with her boyfriend's family because of staying away from me. I cannot afford being sick. This is just ripping me apart. While I realize that she is being very smart, and G had also suggested it, this is the best thing. I cannot afford to be sick. I really hate this!!! I cannot even be around my kids! This gets me to know height!

I am looking forward to chat. I am looking forward to consolation. But, this is what it is. I know that all of this will go away in time and then it will be just a bad memory. I hate bad memories!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Getting well.

Recovery

I have to say that today feels more like recovery. I was up all night with bad "vibes". I did not sleep well and when I went to work today, I felt very poor. I felt very unplugged, despite it all. I was able to get work completed and my chores done; but, I am very wiped. I did manage to get some rest when I got home. I do not care to be that laid up, but I do know that rest and chemo go hand in hand. I have to really bide my time with my energy and obligations. I do have to say that it was nice being able to get in the rig and put the seat back and get some rest. I have been been hating having to drag my computer around to get things done. This will be nicer to just relax during the day and in between clients and do research instead.

I do have to say, this morning was very difficult to navigate. Now that I have had some sleep, relaxed a little, I think that I can tackle the weekend. I have so much to get done and I hope that I can get this all done. I am looking forward to some hugs and touching as well. Wish me luck!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Moving on!