What a day

What a day! A Chemo day for certain. I have a chemo flush and my mouth, skin and my body is starting to show the first 72 hours of treatment again. But! I got my homework completed and I will have a lot of work to get done on my papers as well. I am so tired.

I have been in the bathroom all day. Feels like a UTI working but this better not be. I am working hard to flush but it just makes things more frustrating. I want to sleep and I have not taken any of the steroids. I have been been up for nearly 48 hours with only a handful of hours to sleep. The steroids are just bugging me something terrible.

I will be getting a hold on all of this.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Sleeping on?

The next day

Had another night of chemo and steroids. I did not sleep very well last night and I know that I will be having a long and difficult day of being tired and not being able to rest. Then, I woke up to the chemo nose!!! The smells in the apartment are going to drive me batty!! I realize today will be a day where chores and everything have to be done. This is just the biggest pain in the rump. If I bend over too much, I will be needing to stay on the floor and compose myself. That might be interesting--I will be able to start my exercise program again. Hmmmm

I was told that when my legs start to hurt, I can take the same steroids every 12 hours. NO THANKS!!! I can just take some pain reliever and bear with the discomfort. This is just a little much to be that wound up for it all.

I am wearing the bandannas today and will be wearing them to stay warm. There are some people who have been telling me to wear a wig! Oh NO NO NO!!! No wig here. I will bear it all!

Pressing on. Pressing on. Bearing it all!

Point of no return

This morning G came and brought his clippers and took care of my hair. It was something that I did need to have done because I was watching my hair come out and I had not control of it. I was able to pull it out myself and watching it like a torture trick was harder than I wanted to say. By shaving it, I have the control of it now. Sure there will be some things that will not be the same, but I have a bunch of stress off my shoulders. I had also showed everyone at the clinic my new look and I got a lot of encouragement from that. Now, my close circle of friends. I went over to T's house and she was very amazed. She was supportive. We shall see how things will be otherwise for work and for church. My boss is away from work on vacation and I wonder how things are going to be when she sees me with no hair.

I had shown Dr. B and he was happy with this as well. It is good that there are many receptive persons in this. I feel like I am walking on egg shells for some people. I know that there are many that cannot handle this and I have to choose my battles. I have to toughen up a little to be sure that some people's reactions are not going to bother me. I cannot help it. I feel like I am chartering in some rocky waters again and I need to be very prepared for the journey.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Chartering on.

Decisions

I have made a huge decision. I am going to have my hair buzzed. I asked G if he would do this for me and he said that it would be his honor. Another point of no return. While I have been getting tired of seeing my hair all over the apartment, I hate even more watching the hair fall out little at a time. I cannot wait for it to fall out completely and look like a straggly doll. I am going to have it buzzed completely. Now, what are people going to say. I really hate the looks and it is hard for me to put the walls up and just be hard about what is going on. Perhaps I should define something--it is the looks from people who know me more that irritates me. When I go to the store or the library, I do not get the same reception. J was very kool--"hey trooper". Wow, comforting. My "mister"--"hey beautiful". G--"it is good to see you". It is the open ended questions that are really pissing me off! I do not understand why people that I know will not just be in command of the moment and say something. Do not ask!!!! Just say something! "Hey stupid, your pants are dirty" Something! Not "glad that you could make it" so much that it would be good to use some wit or charm, or humor or something. I need that. "Tell me what you need" is not going to work. Do you really want to know what I need? Why not just say, "come here!" That is what the LORD says to me

Chemo is tomorrow. I feel ugly and used up. I will be facing dry cracked skin, bleeding nose, lethargy and nausea again. I will not have hair for a while. I have to remember--"hey beautiful". If no one is going to say it to me, I have to remind myself to say it to me.

While I was at the pharmacy tonight, I had the pleasure of talking to someone out of the blue. An elderly woman had shared with me that she and her daughter were both breast cancer survivors. I could have just cried. She shared with me the same things that I have experienced. It is nice to know that I am not alone. I am not looking forward to radiation. But I am looking forward to the end of all of this.

Now that I have taken the silly stomach pill for the chemo for tomorrow, I am really hungry. I hate steroids.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Going hairless.

Revelations

After quite a fantastic day, I am very pleased with some outcomes. For the first time ever!!! I have felt that I am glad that I am going through this. Today, one of my friend's daughters and I had a very good heart-to-heart. This young lady has been in a state of crisis for some time trying to decide what she wants to do with her barely teen-age life. She did not know about my cancer and I took opportunity to share with her some very bold and brazen things. I have experienced being treated as a leper and an outcast. I have been abandoned by some friends and left to just fare on my own. I have had to rely upon my own resources and have had very difficult and rocky days. Welcome to cancer! Other people's denial has been quite the interesting fact in my life and being faced with telling some people about their job and standing up and doing the right thing is important. I let this young lady know that it is all worth it for her to stop being so "damn stupid". Taking good care of yourself and very important and that to prevent these things is to stop with the stupid lifestyle. We are all beautiful and what we do can take that beauty away. We should not have our beauty taken away.

I am facing loosing my hair and that is an excellent mark for anyone to see if it means that some will learn from it. I have experienced the deepest of angst and anguish in all of this; but, it is all worth it if it means that others will stop being "stupid". I told her that as I begin radiation, I will not be able to touch many people. I may not be able to touch her. I would not be able to touch pregnant women and this just adds to me being treated and being made to feel like a leper.

It is worth it if it means that there are those who will learn and listen.

Pressing on. Pushing on. Teaching on.

Changes

Well, I do not know what it is about my cat that really loves to cuddle under the blankets with me, but she seems to really be snuggling around my head and the surgical area. I know that my service animals in my "folks'" homes can really be sensitive towards needs; this is very interesting. She is really drawn toward my body and I find it very comforting. I wake up to purring, and I go to bed to the sound of purring. It is a little frustrating that she decides to bathe herself just when I am trying to sleep. I still ache a little bit at the surgical area and I am trying very carefully not to overdo it. I wonder what that really means. What does "overdo" actually mean?

So, after work, I went over to the hair salon and got my hair cut. What a funny thing. I am noticing that I am thinning out more. Ok! Gotta wrap my head around that. I have purchased a new hat and some fingerless gloves. I told her that I was needing to go a little shorter this time so I can be ready for her next hair cut. Although, I might not have a whole lot of hair to trim then. Hmmm--very interesting.

I still have my migraine but that is ok. I took some migraine meds (OTC) and hopefully that will work. I made a strong cup of coffee as well and am looking forward to some relief. I really am looking forward to relief. Relief!

My skin seems to be improving as well. I must remember to keep hydrated. My stylist and her associate have said that my skin looks great. So far, everything that I have been doing has been right. Hydration, lotion and keeping my gloves on. I love my fingerless gloves. I am hoping that when summer comes, I can find some equivalents. I hope by then, things will be much better. Remember to hydrate! and supplements!

Pressing on. Pushing on. Hydrating on!

Reaching

So, today was an interesting day. I am very tired today from my migraine and still on top of my responsibilities. I have a load of paperwork to complete and I am procrastinating. I know that I have to get this done. I wonder how much larger my shoulders need to be to get all of this done. The housework is never ending, of course. The pile of responsibilities never go away. But today, I had a small gift. Just like my "mister" client, my "lady" client was singing along to Christmas music in my rig; the music was turned up and we both sang along. Sometimes when the heart is heavy and laden with so much, the smallest things can pick me up. "Hello beautiful" was one of those that could only have been from the LORD. Today, singing to the most wonderful music this time of year was melody. I am glad that a comfort zone has been established.

Today, I was asked to remove my hat. I do not know how this is going to continue if I loose my hair and have to wear a cap. If I loose my hair, I hope that it is after the new year. I do not want this particular individual to go into crisis over the fact that I am sick. This is hard. At least this bruise has gone away and the next one is to be established. I have been wearing long sleeve shirts to cover my arms in case there is another event of bruising. It was nothing for the other family to see it and they understand and accept me regardless. This is hard. I never realized the amount of worry, rejection and fear others have. I still have a friend that has not spoken to me since all of this has started. However!!! I did see my other friend. She wanted to know how things were and I did express to her some detail. But, how can I share weeks of this to her in a matter of five minutes? I cannot and choose not. I hate being told "you're in my thoughts". Please! What does that mean?

Pushing on. Pressing on. Wondering on. Wandering on?