News that I do not like to hear

Today, I spoke with my boss and she is going in for a breast biopsy as well. She definitely sounded a little morose. No one wants to be diagnosed with breast cancer and it is the most difficult thing to go through when you are told the worst news. She also told me of another one of the care providers that is battling this and she is not doing well. I cannot say just how much I hate hearing of this diagnosis and how many women get scares. This journey has been one of the most difficult ever to go through. Until you go through it, you cannot imagine the loneliness that is associated with it. The "you are in my thoughts" makes no difference. The lack of support and encouragement that you have to grasp for is unbearable. It is a quiet and desolate existance.

Now, I am finished with my chemo and I want to be there for others. This is the most exciting thing; however, it would have been so much better to have someone there all the time. Distance makes no comfort for having someone there all the time. I cannot wait to be stronger to be able to be the best clinician that I can be. Did you know that? I bet you did not. I want to be the best health professional ever.

I think that the lack of support is the most evil thing ever. No one comes to see you or wants to invest in their time to be able to say, "I care". I am thankful for many things. The prayers.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Praying on.

Sometimes I would rather

It is just a matter of a few hours before I get started on my very last chemo treatment. To say that I am excited is very much so an understatement. I really cannot say how much I am excited about all of this to be done. But, I do have to say that I am very much full of anxiety. This is the very last chemo treatment and I do not want anything to go wrong with it. I have been awaiting this for a very long time now and I am eager for this to be set behind me. What is coming next is radiation and that is much unknown to me now. I look back at this and see just how much I have had to endure that I wish that I did not have to go through. When I discuss this with others, I get a mixed review. I spoke with Prayer G today and I did not realize that he was an ambulance service driver. He would drop off and pick up cancer patients for services. He said that he saw first hand what some would go through and that he did understand what was going on. When I had told him of the cancer, I saw him cry. I hate crying myself, but I hate even more seeing people that I care about cry. Prayer G has been one of the most important individuals who has been supportive for prayers. He always inquires about me to my kiddo when I have not come in to the gas station to fill up. Now! I have a Prayer J! She is awesome. When I go to the grocery store, I always go through her aisle to get that hug or that encouraging word. I have to find it somewhere. I know that I may not always get it in the places that I would expect, but I sure need to get it. I have been hunting down the encouragement and it has been hard to find at times. I must admit that I have gotten bold about vocalizing my cancer. I am not looking for pity; rather, I am just standing up and saying "this bites!" Sometimes, it is good to speak up and say that I am not having a good day because of this. If I can be bald and go through chemo, then "you" can do this. Yes, I am tired because I am bald from chemo. Yes, I am full of attitude because of this chemo--I hate it! Yes, I am emotional because of chemo--you would be too. Yes, I could use company--but this chemo scares people. Yes, I would rather be doing something else--but I cannot right now. What I am doing right now is just assessing myself and getting ready for more change.

Change is good. Change means that facing the crossroads of things are necessary. Not that I have needed to approach a whole lot of change in my life, but change is always good and should always be welcomed. I was reminded by my Pastor that whenever anyone faces life changing events like this, evaluation does come. So, the next thing would be is to see if that change is going to be life changing and to continue to allow things to be challenged? My personal belief systems--I have always been bold and intense. Well, maybe. When I was a teen, I was not as bold and brazen, but I was. Over the years, I have become more. When I became a parent it changed me. Now, this has changed me even more. I am bolder and more brazen and I am [more] intense. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to being a juggernaut and to make changes that will create and instigate things. Anyone who knows me knows that I am meaning business. Only the LORD knows the days of my life. Only the LORD knows what is going to be my future; but, I can say that I will not disappoint HIM with whatever appointed time I have.

I am looking forward to the preparation of radiation as well. I have no idea what it coming, but I know that things will be better than what I have expected. I know that whatever that may come my way, I will have the courage to handle it.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Courageous on.

Approaching chemo #6

I must say that I am getting very excited about the final chemo. I am not looking forward to the side effects; but, I have to say that they will be the last time I will ever have to experience them. I know that this will come and go quickly. However, I do have to admit that I am very leary about what to expect. My last chemo went ok. I was able to prepare myself for the constipation, the upset stomach, the irritation to my mouth and lips, the dry sinuses, the dry skin, the irritation to my scalp and oddly to say, the irritation to the palms of my hands. For some reason, my palms felt as though they were on fire. I have had a very sore throat for some time and my eyes are constantly hurting. I have had a migraine for well over a week and this is irritating. I have been able to work with a migraine now with little effort. The chemo has amplified the effects. I have had to wear my sunglasses more and to keep some things at a low light.

I am looking forward to some changes. I have had to take more stomach acid pills this time around. I was planning on not taking anything, but the burn to my stomach and my throat was too much to bear. I have been able to eat more food and I have been able to drink some coffee! I have had to purchase coffee with chickory and make it light with a lot of milk and honey. I am very thankful for honey! It has been so good for my throat and stomach. I will be learning more about these foods to be able to help others.

Radiation will be coming soon and I am not all that thrilled about it. I will have to be able to withstand the blasts and be open for everyone to see. This will be a challenge for me. I certainly hope that when this happens, I will be able to withstand the exposure. I will be getting a tattoo as well. I have been told that this will be for diagnostics only. I really am not all that thrilled; however, I see the importance of it. I will have my schedule soon enough. I am waiting on my paperwork soon enough.

In soon enough time, I will be able to discuss the chemo brain. I have been so fried from the chemo. It has been embarrassing.

Pushing on. Pressing on. Moving on.