Moving along

Things are moving along. I have been getting return phone calls for the upcoming treatment. This is very frustrating. I have to keep myself at even-keel. There are so many things that are pulling at me and I have to keep them just right. I am tired and things are not going to resolve any time soon. I know that I have to address the issue of so many examinations. I don't like that. Having to unzip to display the breast really has been getting to me. I have to compensate with humor and just a rough exterior. I am getting frustrated at that. Sometimes I wish that I could be knocked out for the examination. I am so embarrassed at this. I know that the docs have seen more breasts than I can say and that this is just a matter of ordinary for them. This is not just a matter or ordinary for me.

I must be very careful of how I compensate for all of this. Prayer, conversation and compassion is what I have been seeking. Wow!

Pushing forward

I am continuing to push forward. I am angry and resentful at the lack of services that I have not received. I have to double check on my own appointments without a phone call to remind me or any followup from medical staff. I have had to work my own pre-operative and post-operative care and reminders. I have had to complete my own assessments to determine where my mental health has been. I have had to be my own dietitian for this care. When my primary had sent out the referrals, they were all wrong. I was sent to the wrong oncologist's office--they did not accept my insurance. Then I had filed a complaint about that. Then I was sent to a cancer treatment center over an hour away. I had indicated that it was not going to be possible because it was too far away and I did not know anyone who would be willing to devout that much time for my "care". So, then I filed another complaint. Then I was sent BACK to the original oncologist and the doctor at that clinic had to call the primary and indicate that they would not accept this unprofessional behavior. I was able to get into another oncology office where they have accepted me as a charity case because I did not get the referral to the proper clinic. If I had waited any longer, it would not have made any difference. How much longer could I have waited? How much longer would I have waited?

This is why I have started this blog. There are so many other people out there that have gone through this. We know that President Obama has said "health insurance for all" but it is not feasible. When will medical offices start treating us like people first then patients. This has been a horrible experience and it is not over yet. I will still need to be heading toward chemotherapy and radiation. But when? Your guess is as good as mine. There are more phone calls that I have to make.

I am looking forward to seeing the end of the tunnel.

Continuing on

So the days have been continuing on and things are really mixed up. I have loads of paperwork to complete for insurance and for the upcoming procedures. I have a lot to look forward to with respect to skin rashes, infections, lethargy, nausea, difficulty in sleeping, rocky emotions and the like. And this is "normal" and to be expected. Yea! I have been overwhelmed at the whole thing. Trying to keep things together has been hard. I have support for the day but I could use some help at home.

My docs are great. I realize they address these things every day. I am tired and now, with an immuno-compromised system, I have a head cold. There is so much to do and I have to really work on my energy levels.

Where will the courage come from? Dare I say if I have the courage? I can do this.

I will

Top of the morning and I am trying to get prepared for the day. After a long night of crying, I feel a new day is here. I am a very passionate person and when I feel the expression of emotion, it can be staggering. I have never been the type of person to be full of emotion. Am I depressed? I have never been a person to succumb to clinical depression. It is normal to experience the range of emotions after such an incredible life change. I cannot and should not stop my emotions from surfacing; however, I know that I cannot let my mind go wild. I do know that there are very few people who are willing to discuss this matter and that I must listen carefully to others and for those who are there to offer sound counsel. I will listen to sound counsel. I am hungry for sound counsel. I am mutually concerned that my hunger is evident on my face and that very need for sound counsel may not be there for some time.

I will prevail. This is just another challenging day.

I am not alone

Today I had my appointment with my oncologist. I really do like Dr. B; he is a great doc. The news has been confirmed that treatment will be chemo and radiation. I did not want to have chemo because of the exhaustion and the possible hair loss; but, I will continue to pray that it will be ok.

My boss called and we had a great conversation. She did confirm that what my emotions have been doing is not my imagination. Yes, I have cancer. No! I am not a leper and I am a human being. Why are people choosing to be distant and apparently non-caring? When someone is diagnosed with a difficult thing, it is all that much more important to have human contact. Will I be able to have human contact? I wonder. Hug me, slap me, poke me, kick me! I need the contact. I am not an alien.

Another day

Today was a very interesting day altogether. I had taken the time to go by and update a friend about what has been going on. I have been very concerned about the distance I had been getting from this friend. I was not aware that avoidance was an outcome of being diagnosed with a disease. I know that it occurs, but I did not even take into consideration. I will have to be more aware that this can happen. I am not sure what to do about the avoidance. I have been trying to keep myself busy with things, but this may not be taking care of that. How do I get past the avoidance? What can I do about the avoidance? Do I confront this person? How do I bridge the gap of avoidance?

I will keep my thoughts clear and poignant.

Health for the day

Today has been a day that has been long and difficult. I am in the process of becoming cancer free and am very excited about it. My emotions are rocky and what I feel are very heavy. But, I know that I am well and that hope is not just a word that is tossed around. My type of cancer is not infiltrating my body. Because of menopause, I have had to deal with this. Despite taking care of myself, I could not avoid this. But, this will not deter my spirit. It is good and it is strong.