Today I continue ... I really do not want to

I am tired. I am so very tired of the same types of pain that persists and does not go away. Today, I have another headache that is just shy of a migraine. It is tiring and very stressful. I look forward to no more pain. However, I am very thankful that I have been given the opportunity to keep continuing. Funny how things are able to be that way. I get to look back at the days where I was plugged into the most horrible of soup. I remember my first chemo treatment. I remember thinking that "well, I think that I can do this". Then, the biggest bruise on my lower arm that stayed for days. One of my clients wanted to know what had happened--I had to lie. I had said that a client had done it. The bruise was that bad. But, no one can tell me about what is to be expected after chemo treatments are completed. These chronic migraines and headaches are really weighing on me. I have been so frustrated with these migraines and so saddened that they continue. But, this is post life that I must get very acquainted with. I have to be able to make it my "friend" and not fear it; but, the outlines of this friendship must be defined. I have to learn how to cope and manage my life with such a "friend" and not a foe.

Today, I have felt burnt out and ready to just relinquish many things. But, quitting is not an option. I have been tempted to just quit school, lay low and just retreat. But, all of this is not an option. I have started school back up again for one great purpose--I have been told many stupid things in my time and to have others be told the same is just beyond me. People need to know accuracy and truth, and rightness. I have to keep going. I worry very much. I worry that these headaches will continue to a point that they will disable me from doing what I want to do and need to do. I worry that these headaches will become what take me down and not be able to continue to be productive. I will continue to pray and to be sure that I take good care of myself.

Today, I will continue despite wanting to just be sitting back and relax from all of my work and endeavors. I want to take more time off and rest. But, my true sabbatical will come. And that is what I am truly looking forward to. I must practice the art of sabbatical.

Looking forward. Believing on. Not relinquishing.

Something and not just nothing

For the past several weeks, I have had the worst migraines. They have been quite disabling to me; in fact, they have been so powerful that I have gotten so far behind in things. But, today, after a very long time, I am migraine free. I have a headache, but nothing compared to what I have had. Over the past several weeks, this has been a teaser. I would get a lighter headache only to be getting ready for another one. One right after the other; dizziness, upset stomach, pain in my eyes, and light-headedness. All of this has been so overwhelming to me. It has kept me awake at night and has woken me from sleep. I have been on some powerful medications and I have not cared for that.

What triggered all of this? At the end of January, we had a family counseling cession at the counselor's office. There was aromatherapy done the cession before and it was lit when we arrived. The smell was so powerful that I had to ask for a window to be opened. Within a few minutes, I could feel the headache starting and from that point, I was going downhill all the way. I had had time to get to the grocery store and then get home before it really hit. I had to take some pain reliever and from that point onward, it was too much. Within a couple days, I had to go to urgent care and get some pain reliever. But, from that point, I had had two infected ears, and a massive migraine. I was given some very strong pain reliever and when I had gotten home, I was feeling very poorly. I was experiencing a reaction to what was given me. I ended up having to call the ambulance and be taken to the hospital. That was  not an easy night and it was the most frustrating of them all. I got to the ER, lost my cookies (really good) and from there had to wait to get an IV for fluids. One thing, though.

I get frustrated. No one advocated for me. I wonder when the next time I am confronted with this if I will need to just walk out. I had had an invitation to go to church at another place a few weeks ago. I got there and had to leave because the anointing oil was so strong. I did not want to stick around and have to worry about another repeat of a week or so before. My head has hurt in ways that I have not had ever. I get irate at the concept that others will not advocate on my behalf when I am in need. I did express some things to the counselor; however, I do not know if the counselor will be able to understand the importance of advocation for some time. Perhaps being able to write about it on paper is one thing; to actually understand what it means is yet another. Do we really know what it means to advocate for someone? Will we be able to really compassionately understand what we need to do for others?

Compassion, regardless, is quintessential to our being. We need it; we require it; we need to provide the comfort.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Something more.