Moving along and moving into things

Today, my emotions are very rocky. I really do not know who to express these emotions to. This past couple of weeks, I have had the most tumultuous days. I have had the flu for nearly three weeks and my kiddo has been moved back into my home. After several months (nearly a year) of being in juvie and two foster homes, she is back.  I had to ask my Pastor--why did my family have to suffer so much? I do not know. I may not ever know, but I do know one thing. The LORD has promised that all things work for good for those who love HIM. Simply put, that what happens for our destruction can and will be turned around. We must be willing to continue to keep things going on.

I am willing to keep things going on. This past couple of weeks, I have had the flu. I have had it really bad to the point that I have coughed so hard that the blood vessels in my cheeks had burst. It has been hard. I have to say. I have looked back at all of the words said, the things that have been suffered and I think of some of the futility of it all. But, it cannot be for futility. I have no regrets. Yes, it was hard to go through all of this. I know that what has happened has shaped me and made me into a person that I was supposed to be. But, to think that all of this had to happen. Many people had to hear my words. Many people had to hear what I had to say. Many people were confronted about what they did not do and what they should have done. But the most important thing that has confronted me is that many simply do not understand what they are to do to help out others. Will they walk across the street and avoid? Yes. Will they look the other way to not have to recognize what needs to be done? Yes. They will. Will this hurt? Yes it will and it is hard to accept every time. But that acceptance is here. Accepting what is necessary and needful. 

Today, my feelings have been stirred up. I watched a movie that placed things in the most difficult light. I know that I have some very difficult topics that I need to discuss yet and the healing will come. I want that healing to come because there are many hurts involved. One, in particular, is the way others have viewed responsibility. This is something that I will not be able to grapple with for some time; but, I know that I will. I know that how I have been able to manage has been through necessity. This necessity has created a survival. I know that I have done little wrong. Today, I heard it said to me once again--it is not my fault. This tore me up. I know that this is not my fault. This is not my fault. This is not my fault. This just happened and things evolved from it. 

Today, I heard something that I know I must be able to do and that is allow myself to heal. To let things go about how they went and to begin to heal. I am trying. I will be looking. And, I will be traveling in my heart to places where I have never been. 

Traveling. Hoping. Believing. Reaching on. 

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! So, this has been a very, very long year that was just finished. There has been so much that has occurred that I cannot even want to revisit this. But, there is still much to accomplish and to contemplate. Today, I have the flu. This has been coming on for the past few days. Now, this is day number 5 and I am so tired from all of this. Tomorrow, I will be going in for my mammogram and from there, will be making an appointment to see my surgeon to be sure to get my other breast examined. Yea, always having to advocate for my rights and my health. We are never to stop that. But, today, I am so tired and full of emotions.

Yesterday, I got the news of a lifetime. My kiddo wants to move back in. I do not know how I feel about it all. I do know that I have missed her, but I do not miss the anguish and I do not want to put her in a spot again with my health. There was a lot done and a lot said. This past year has been nothing more than difficult. I have felt like I have not been able to breathe. Can I breathe now? I am not sure I know how to breathe. This cancer walk is not done. The shadow of all of this is still here at home and it is not going to go away anytime soon. I want it to go away very soon. I want to breathe again.

So, now, counseling is tomorrow and we will be discussing this all. I want to get a list of "demands" together and to present them to the counselor that we might be able to discuss them. I do not want to get her in here and worry about things all over again.

We shall see.

Looking. Hoping. Believing. Trusting.