There have been so many times that I have just said, "I wish." Perhaps that is an understatement. Perhaps, I should say, "I hope." This has been a very long and difficult walk this past nearly two years now. I cannot believe that from the time of my diagnosis, it has been nearly two years. Come June of this year, I will have had to worry about cancer for two years. I am amazed at how the time has gone by. When I look at the personal ordeal that this has been, I cannot see the passage of time. But, the time has gone. It did not lapse to something else. I am fixated! So much has happned during this time and it has been so ever present in my life. Yes, the chemo and the radiation are complete, but what it has left me in is another story unto itself. This seems so much like the continuing saga--The Chronicles of Caren. Yea, I have said it once before and now, I am saying it again.
So, I have been told that my health insurance throught the state does not exist anymore. I make too much money. So, I was given paperwork for Medical Disability. This is not what I was asking for. Yes, I am working. Yes, I am able to work. No, I do not want to quit working. But, I have no health insurance and so, I have to do something to get it. I am not financially able to afford my own health insurance and so, I must figure something out. No health insurance. How comforting!!! I think that every cancer patient should have health insurance. But then again, OBAMA-care would have it that all of us have to pay for very expensive health care without being able to afford anything else. Insurance is not cheap. Then of course, your co-pays and anything else that is to be attached to it would be the same. I am just not sure. So, with this, the long-lasting side-effects are what I need to have constant care for. Too, continuing treatments of hormones or other stuff is the frustrating thing. How do we keep the beast of cancer back without being seen on a regular basis and have those wonderful bloodtests? Hmmm. Yes, prayer to keep things going. And to use wisdom about how I live my life, eat and exercise. Yes, all of that is very important. All very important. Of course, all very important. I have been concerned and worried; but, I have been very careful not to voice it very much. So, now you know. I am very concerned and worried that my care is interrupted. I make too much money; but, I do not make enough money for health insurance payments. Both my jobs together do not give me enough to earn health insurance or to be able to get to the doc and pay for him/her. Quite frustrating. No health insurance. And this paperwork? I cannot complete it. The questions are asking me as to why I cannot work. When was the last time that I worked and etc. This is not right.
Then, to boot, y kiddo has been doing all kinds of things. There is a warrant out for her arrest for the things that she has been doing. She is on criminal probation and she refuses to comply. I cannot help but to wonder about my breast cancer. No, I do not have cancer now, but what stops me from having the cancer again? Not so sure. But, I know one thing, this is well enough not over. I must have the strength to continue and to be able to endure more to get to the end of the journey and trail. No, I am not saying that it is the end of my life. I am saying for the end of the obligations. I am hoping that I will be able to have health insurance and I must find out what I can do to get it. I am very certain that I must be even far more careful and conscientious with my finances to get that health insurance. OH boy!
What to do; what to say; how to do it; how to say it. I am not disabled! I have to figure some things out.
Pushing on. Pressing in. Looking beyond.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Thursday, February 9, 2012
What goes up, must come down
For the most part, things are never dull. I have to say that no matter what is going on in my home, it is never dull. Even my cats are never dull. But, here of late, I have to say that I have had my share of things that I care not to have. I am tired and full of thought. Today, my kiddo was put into juvie. Yes, the next best thing with the Chronicles of Caren. For the past several months, there have been so many events that have been so stressful. Sure, the cancer diagnosis was enough, but this is more than just that. It has been so predominant in my life and I am frustrated and feel helpless that things cannot change. It has is not nearly a year since my last chemo and now, things are even more crazier than what they have been. Where to begin?
Where to begin? Well, to begin with, this journey seems to be getting a whole lot more difficult and more stresful than what I would have imagined. I would not have guessed that my child would be in more trouble and danger than expected. I fight this all the time. I have said this before. But, the evidence seems to be popping up all over. My kiddo has been involved with things that I have not approvd. Yes, I have guessed that she was capable of such things; but, a parent never wants to invite things more than what they are. However, this past year has been one thing that I have never expected to see. My girl has been through a lot as well as I. It is hard to think of myself at this time when I think of all the things that she has been through that should not have been. To have a child so young to be worrying about having a parent with a serious life changing illness. I have to address the issues of my own mortality; but, she as a teen must face the same thing--my mortality and the aspect of being left alone in a world that is so caustic and not understood. Now, things are what they are. She has been doing so many things and her attitude has been so difficult to address and to manage. Now, there is a possible diagnosis of ADD and more. There is the possibility of dual diagnosis and that prospect is not very good here. I am tired of all of this.
I know that many things have gotten to me, but this is one of the most. Yes, I have been diffcult for many because they have not understood. But, this is much to much. I am tired. So, because of all that has been going on, I have not been able to make all of my medical appointments. This aggravates me to no end. On Sunday, I was in the ER because of my migraines. When I express to the docs what has been going on, they do not look at me favorably. Yes, I know that I must continue to take care of myself for the sake of myself as well as my child. But, at times that is not all that easy. When I am utterly exhausted from the work day, what am I to do? I cannot quit my jobs; I cannot quite take some time off. I am looking forward to taking some time off. I am looking forwad to having some time to rest and to get reacqainted with my bed and the apartment. But, silly me. The obligations that are coming are just a little more than what I had initially anticipated. When I had called the police on my child, I never anticipated that the obligation would be this intense. I knew that it would get to be a battle; but, I did not anticipate all of this. I had to take a stand and to be sure that I would put a stop to all of what was going on. For some reason, some have never thought that I would be going through all of this. I have had no choice but to take a stand on what I have believed and to take a stand and be an advocate for my child.
I know that I must get over some emotional issues, but I am having the most difficult time with it. I know that I must acknowledge that some things will never change; but, I am such a dead-head about it. I know that the help from my church is just not there. I was told--"you have pushed so many away". I have heard this twice. So, this is the aggravation that I must deal with. "Pushed so many people away". hmmmm. This is an issue that no one can understand except the persons who are in the position of understanding--professionals. I have had to endure much during this past nearly couple of years. How can anyone understand? Am I supposed to just acknowledge everyone and have everyone come through my home like bulls in a china shop? First of all, at the diagnosis, they were not there. During the treatments, they were not there. At the end of the treatments, "wow, that was long wasn't it". So, my attitude is what? People say that they understand, but they have not. Simply, they have not. So, now that I have accepted the fact that they are not there, what do I do now? I have been attending another church. This is a small church, indeed. I am not keen on the idea of another church, but I know that the support that I have not received at the home church is not good. "Have pushed people away". This is something that rings in my ears very much. I will not be able to put that behind me for a bit; I am praying that I can get that done. I am believing that I will be able to understand and to let that go. I want to talk to many, but that would be of little good. They did not udnerstand when I was going through chemo, why would they understand now while I am experiencing the most difficult of my parental abilities now. No, there are so many issues going on. There are so many events that have created difficulties right now. These events are not going to go away any time soon. So, what next? What next? I suppose the assumption that we all have something that we should be doing for another person is always there. There is the assumption that there is always some else available to help out. But the reality of it all is that there is no one else there to help out. I would have loved and still would love to have someone come over and discuss things wtih me. That would be great. I would love for someone to come over and help out with a thing or two. But, that does not happen. So, I must lean upon the LORD for that help. That, of course, is my first point of it all. I must always look to HIM for all things. But, at this point in time, I really have never really had a time where the pressures of life are not so demanding. I have never really had a time in my life where things are just easy going. There is always something going on to be my challenge. This is the next context of my inquiry--why is it that these events never stop coming? Am I a glutton for punishement?
I think of so much that has and still continues to go on. I think about my health care. It has been very frustrating to have to experience this. But, even more so, why am I wasting my time with things that should not be?! Am I wasting my time seeking help where help is not going to be? It is not enough to be just praying. Praying allows us to understand where there is difficulty. Acting upon the WORD is the next thing. We are not to be just hearers of the WORD, but doers of the WORD. When are we going to be figuring that out? Pushing people away. Hmmmmm. This is quite the aggravation.
I am working on many upcoming things and event. But, I am working on overcoming. Keep posted. I do not want to sound enigmatic. I simply want to say that what I have experienced has been nothing shy of stupid. Just STUPID!!!
Looking on. Pressing in. Working diligently.
Where to begin? Well, to begin with, this journey seems to be getting a whole lot more difficult and more stresful than what I would have imagined. I would not have guessed that my child would be in more trouble and danger than expected. I fight this all the time. I have said this before. But, the evidence seems to be popping up all over. My kiddo has been involved with things that I have not approvd. Yes, I have guessed that she was capable of such things; but, a parent never wants to invite things more than what they are. However, this past year has been one thing that I have never expected to see. My girl has been through a lot as well as I. It is hard to think of myself at this time when I think of all the things that she has been through that should not have been. To have a child so young to be worrying about having a parent with a serious life changing illness. I have to address the issues of my own mortality; but, she as a teen must face the same thing--my mortality and the aspect of being left alone in a world that is so caustic and not understood. Now, things are what they are. She has been doing so many things and her attitude has been so difficult to address and to manage. Now, there is a possible diagnosis of ADD and more. There is the possibility of dual diagnosis and that prospect is not very good here. I am tired of all of this.
I know that many things have gotten to me, but this is one of the most. Yes, I have been diffcult for many because they have not understood. But, this is much to much. I am tired. So, because of all that has been going on, I have not been able to make all of my medical appointments. This aggravates me to no end. On Sunday, I was in the ER because of my migraines. When I express to the docs what has been going on, they do not look at me favorably. Yes, I know that I must continue to take care of myself for the sake of myself as well as my child. But, at times that is not all that easy. When I am utterly exhausted from the work day, what am I to do? I cannot quit my jobs; I cannot quite take some time off. I am looking forward to taking some time off. I am looking forwad to having some time to rest and to get reacqainted with my bed and the apartment. But, silly me. The obligations that are coming are just a little more than what I had initially anticipated. When I had called the police on my child, I never anticipated that the obligation would be this intense. I knew that it would get to be a battle; but, I did not anticipate all of this. I had to take a stand and to be sure that I would put a stop to all of what was going on. For some reason, some have never thought that I would be going through all of this. I have had no choice but to take a stand on what I have believed and to take a stand and be an advocate for my child.
I know that I must get over some emotional issues, but I am having the most difficult time with it. I know that I must acknowledge that some things will never change; but, I am such a dead-head about it. I know that the help from my church is just not there. I was told--"you have pushed so many away". I have heard this twice. So, this is the aggravation that I must deal with. "Pushed so many people away". hmmmm. This is an issue that no one can understand except the persons who are in the position of understanding--professionals. I have had to endure much during this past nearly couple of years. How can anyone understand? Am I supposed to just acknowledge everyone and have everyone come through my home like bulls in a china shop? First of all, at the diagnosis, they were not there. During the treatments, they were not there. At the end of the treatments, "wow, that was long wasn't it". So, my attitude is what? People say that they understand, but they have not. Simply, they have not. So, now that I have accepted the fact that they are not there, what do I do now? I have been attending another church. This is a small church, indeed. I am not keen on the idea of another church, but I know that the support that I have not received at the home church is not good. "Have pushed people away". This is something that rings in my ears very much. I will not be able to put that behind me for a bit; I am praying that I can get that done. I am believing that I will be able to understand and to let that go. I want to talk to many, but that would be of little good. They did not udnerstand when I was going through chemo, why would they understand now while I am experiencing the most difficult of my parental abilities now. No, there are so many issues going on. There are so many events that have created difficulties right now. These events are not going to go away any time soon. So, what next? What next? I suppose the assumption that we all have something that we should be doing for another person is always there. There is the assumption that there is always some else available to help out. But the reality of it all is that there is no one else there to help out. I would have loved and still would love to have someone come over and discuss things wtih me. That would be great. I would love for someone to come over and help out with a thing or two. But, that does not happen. So, I must lean upon the LORD for that help. That, of course, is my first point of it all. I must always look to HIM for all things. But, at this point in time, I really have never really had a time where the pressures of life are not so demanding. I have never really had a time in my life where things are just easy going. There is always something going on to be my challenge. This is the next context of my inquiry--why is it that these events never stop coming? Am I a glutton for punishement?
I think of so much that has and still continues to go on. I think about my health care. It has been very frustrating to have to experience this. But, even more so, why am I wasting my time with things that should not be?! Am I wasting my time seeking help where help is not going to be? It is not enough to be just praying. Praying allows us to understand where there is difficulty. Acting upon the WORD is the next thing. We are not to be just hearers of the WORD, but doers of the WORD. When are we going to be figuring that out? Pushing people away. Hmmmmm. This is quite the aggravation.
I am working on many upcoming things and event. But, I am working on overcoming. Keep posted. I do not want to sound enigmatic. I simply want to say that what I have experienced has been nothing shy of stupid. Just STUPID!!!
Looking on. Pressing in. Working diligently.
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