I can and therefore I must

I am deeply amazed at some things. I must say that I am eager to see the light of what is going on in my home. Yes, it has been a year now since I have started my chemo and gotten into the mix of things. In a few days, I will have had my head shaved from what was going on with chemo. For the anniversary, I have had my head shaved again. But, that is just the tip of the iceberg. This past several weeks, there have been so many difficulties in the home that I cannot just sit back and hope for some relief. No, the relief does not come. No, the relief is not anywhere in sight. But, I keep working through these difficulties. I am not happy, nor pleased at the events that have been going on. Yes, the kiddo. What do I say?

Well, it has been nearly seven months and the tiny livestock is still here. No matter what I try to do, it is not going to go away any time soon. It does not help that there are other parents that the kiddo goes to visit and that she brings it to their house. I wonder what goes on with other parents regarding all of this. I would love to have a conversation with some of these parents and see what they know about their own children. But, I wonder if they really do care or if they are just waiting the time until they actually move away from home. I wonder. I cannot help but to wonder. I am tired all the time and have a lot of stress and anxiety built up regarding all of this. I have no relief. I look forward to relief. In the meantime, I must be able to get my tasks done and completed. I really want to some time to just relax and to get my obligations completed.

These matters are just a concept for some. This is my reality. I look back at the year of events and no matter what, I am no closer to getting some answers. What must I do? I am going to figure some things out if necessary. Parenthood is very difficult for me these days. The lies that I am given and the behaviors that I have seen add up to many things. It has been a long year and now, this? I still have so much to do.

And then, I thought that I would have an adult night with some of the ladies from the church. Oh, was I wrong. So, I made a small faux pas and now, do I feel small for it. "oh, just wanted to tell you something small...about your phone". Ok. I have to remember that I am with people that are very "soft" around the edges. I have to remember that I must keep a distance from many or they might feel put off with me. It is amazing. So many do not undestand the past year and how do I explain it all? I can't. I will not any more. What is mine, is mine. I have no desire to keep others in the loop about what is going on. How can anyone understand what is going on. At times, I do not understand what is going on. But, I do understand that I must go through this. I am hoping and believing that this will improve.

Looking. Hoping. Believing on.

For every season turn, turn, turn

For every season turn, turn, turn. Good song, but the application can really hurt at times. When I last wrote, I was being angered by some things that were not right at the church. Yes, two of the ladies have been a very interesting crew. Two persons who took it upon themselves to discuss personal information out of turn to each other. So, since then, I have been asked for forgiveness from one person and not the other. It seems that the other person has not appologized for their behavior. This is wrong. It has been a long year and what irritates me the most is the injustice behind what was done. Sure, we all do bonehead things; but, what we do with all of that is up to us. Are we going to change what we are supposed to change, or are we going to be willing to take some strong medicine and change things. I am willing to take some strong medicine and I am willing to give some strong medicine.

It has been a long and drawn out week. Last week, I had had an appointment with my OB/GYN. We were discussing some aspects of my care for the hormone suppression. All my adult life, I have had difficulties with my cycles and now, things are very much so pressing. The plans were that I was to get the shots. Well, that did not go as I had planned. Of course. The side effects were just too much and the emotional swings that I would get was too much as well. The hot flashes are continuing, thank goodness. But the Lupron that I was receiving were just that much more extreme. I cannot wait for this to be done.

So, I had asked that I could have my ovaries removed. If that were the case, then the danger of estrogen buildup in my body would be reduced and my other breast would be protected as well as other parts of my body. Well, that was going on to two weeks ago that I had had this appointment. The doctor said that she needed to speak to my oncologist and confer with him what was going on. She had said tht she wanted to get more information about my request and the outcomes of the rapid reduction of estrogen with respect to the treatments and the other stuff. I do not know how much I can take of this. I was asked if I had taken another drug and I had said no. The only drugs that were used were the tomaxofin and the lupron. Yuck!!! I really do not care for either one of those, but I was willing to just get this over with. So, I have not heard anyting back from either my oncologist or from the Ob/GYN. Makes you wonder. So much time is passing and it is good. I hate this journey, but I am learning to say much more with respect to what I have to do. I know that I have to continue with the journey. I have no choice. But, what I have noticed just the same is that the tension, stress and the added aggravation persists. I do not like that. Paperwork beyond all things and from that point, more doctor's appointments. I still have to get my other mammogram and a return visit with my neurologist. I have had so much other stuff going on from my kiddo that it has distracted me from all other things. I really am tired. Not just weary from all of the medical appointments, but from the whole journey of it all. I work still and it is tiring to go home and find out that things were not done and etc. But, now, recently, my kiddo has been acting out and that has been taking my time away. I need to be very diligent about that as well. I still want to continue to seek after what I want to do with my business and it is amazing to see just how much time I do have. Plus reading and studying my Bible. That is another thing that I plan on keeping track of.

Moving along. Turning. Journying on.