A blast into another unknown

I know that I have said how much some things really irk me, but I have to say it again. There are some things that really irk me. So, this past week has been full of adventure and fun. Really, NOT! I should be known by now for my apparent wit and humor. There have been so many things that have been going on this past year that I just have to say should not have happened. The events of this past year have really taken my family for such a drastic change. Since my last posting, I have had to make some very difficult decisions over my kiddo. She is 15 years old and now has the experience of having smoked marijuana. Where do I start? I do not know.

Since my diagnosis, I have had to accept that I am not in control of many things. Yes, I am not to be in control of many things. However, I am still responsible for making sure that my family is taken care of. There have not been many to come and help and every time that I think about it, I get very furious and very angry. I know, I realize that I must put that to the LORD and ask for help with this. This past year, I have seen so many strange and difficult things that have really been damaging to my family. I have had to be home trying to take care of myself while I watch my daughter go out of control with boyfriends and the like. I have suspected many things--primarily sex, drugs and smoking. I know two are correct but I am uncertain about her having sex. I know that I should not be so sure about that. It is possible that she may have been doing that as well. I have watched her go on while I have been helpless to do anything else. I was only able to take care of myself and that was barely at that. I worked and brought home a lot of money and attempted to stay in class. I was a fool about that. But, just the same, I did make an actual effort to keep in touch and in stride with things.

I watched her as she did bonehead things. I watched as she tried to make decisions about herself and trying to be very grown-up. I have attempted to make conversation and to no end. I have watched while others were not there to help or to provide any support. Cancer sucks!!! I have watched many things. People around me just did not know what to do. I was ostricized for so much and so many people kept their distance from me. While I was having difficulties with the things that were stirred up from past assualts, I had to war with myself about many thoughts and actions. I had a very difficult time. But, this month has been especially frustrating as I have seen some things become central.

I had to call the police on my daughter for drug paraphernalia possession. Now, she will be going to report and will have this on her record for some time. She has a lot to do to make up for it. Today, I received a letter in the mail stating that her liscense has been revoked and she will not be able to regain in for some time. This really solidifies things. She is getting the help that she was supposed to get many months ago.

Too, she has been itching and scratching. Yes, the tiny livestock!!! They have not paid rent either!!! I hate those things. I had to treat her this past weekend and it was more than what I could bear. I cleaned the entire apartment. But, what precipitated this was the straw that broke the camel's back--really. I was told that I could not come into our Home Group because of all of this. But, what was more aggravating was that one of the ladies from prayer had taken it upon herself to call this other person out of panic. So, I get the phone call of "I just heard"! Well, that was not for her to hear and passing on gossip was the hardest. At the time, I had no idea who had shared. So, I had asked before Sunday service. I did express to this person that it was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just cannot accept this type of behavior. Because my kiddo has had tiny livestock, I was not allowed to come to Home Group. Ok. So, let us fight fire with fire. When I chatted with PM, he told me that they can "jump". Well, ain't that about the most ignorant thing that I could have heard. SO, yes, I did. I emailed him with correct information surrounding these little critters. I was really amazed that this "well read" person did not know what he was talking about. Yes, I took it upon myself to correct him. Yea, chastize me later. I really don't care!@!

So, I had called this person and had expressed on voice mail that I was not going to return to prayer. I additionally expressed that the tiny livestock was nothing compared to the infection that I had acquired during chemo that was more contagious than the other little critters. No one seemed to be afraid of that. They were more concerned about the tiny livetock than a potentially contagious skin condition. We shall see, won't we!!! Am I upset? Oh, yes I am. This makes me feel more like a leper than when I did with the cancer treatment. To continue, I had called the other lady and left the same message on her phone that I did with the other. The first called back and apologized for her behavior and was concerned that she would have to step down from her position as prayer leader. I had told her that it would be unncessary because we all do bonehead things. She was nearly in tears (yes, I have to say that it was a little rewarding to hear that gossip can be punishable by emotions). I had expressed to her that she was not to step down and that despite her calling the pastor, I did not want her to step down. (I called the pastor myself and expressed the same thing.) Good! She can have a few sleepless nights like I have had for months. Yes, for months. Now, the other person has not called me to have any conversation. But, that is ok. What I told both of them will make a huge difference. Let us see just how much gets around the church. I will be happy to hear what is going on and let the ball roll where it may. I am so tired of all of this. For such a long time, my daughter has heard the rumor mill and so now, I have added something that everyone should reallly enjoy. I am looking forward to hearing some good juicy gossip come back to me. I am also looking forward to the looks and the separation and the distance. I am going to enjoy this once again. I have had my trust invaded and now, this is just not easy to handle. It is back to square one in some aspects. But, for the most part, I certainly hope that these persons learn to grow up and understand what they have been preaching. Be kind to one another. It really does make a difference.

Pushing in. Pressing on. Listening and watching.

Headaches and migraines

Headaches and migraines! I really hate them. I had noticed that I did not put any magnesium in my mulitpack that I take every day. For the past month, I have not had any significant migraines until this weekend. I am tired from them and I am not enjoying the day with them. Of course, they are not a whole lot of fun. I can see that the magnesium has been helping out quite a bit. I am glad that my neurologist suggested them to me. It is a whole lot better than taking any regular med that might cause any long lasting side effects. I have been doing my best to stay on top of drinking my water and eating well. Sleep? Well, that is an issue all of its own. I have been working a lot of graveyard shifts and so I am very tired. I wish that I could take just a few days off from everything and relax. I need to relax. I would love not to have to worry about anything for some time being. That would be great.

I met with PM after church today and it was intersting. Normally, the little one, PM and myself would meet after service, but today, my little one slept in because she was tired from the downstairs neighbors. I really do not like that kind of noise while I am sleeping or away from the apt.

I was so tired from the night shift. I have one more for the week and I will be a happy camper. A couple more shifts like this and I will be paying off some bills quicker than what I was expecting. It would be nice to have some things done and out of the way. But, I am tired. I hate the headache feeling and the way that I am slow and not on top of things. It tires me out incredibly. I really hate it.

Just the same, it is good. I really could use some sleep.

Pressing in. Pushing on. Sleeping on?

Still moving along

Today has been a very long day. Well, actually, the past 24 hours has been incredibly long. I have been working my usual graveyard shift and I am extremely tired. I am so tired that I am wired. What a strange feeling. Just the same, I have had very little sleep, if any. In a matter of a few hours, I will be home and I will be ready for bed. I will take my morning vitamins and off to "bed". I have seen an incredibly long day. I was able to make my ENT appointment and it was what I had expected. I am normal. Yes, do not laugh. I am normal. But, my ears and throat still hurt. The doc said that he could not see anything wrong with the exam; just the same, the pain persists. Yes, I have a clue as to what is going on. However, I must not let the worries and stress of post-chemo life weigh me down. Because of the chemo, I have some permanant side effects. My ears will be one of them. While my hearing is not changed drastically, I can tell the difference. The changes are subtle. In some aspects, I can hear some very strange things. My hearing is heightened. It is a pain in the rump; but, it is what it is.

I have to meet up with the neurologist now for the results of my MRI for my migraines. YES! post-chemo life is not the same. In many aspects, I am busier with medical appointments from all that the chemo/blood-sludge/toxic mud did to me. BUT! Praise GOD! I am pressing along. Too, I am really amazed at how much I am. I am still working and am really amazed at how I survived chemo and working. BY the grace of GOD I am here! I really have to say that. With all that I have to go through with medical appointments and the obligations that I have, it is amazing how I fit it all in a day. I get so tired and I get so filled up that I do not want to do anything else in a day. And I realize that I must do it. If people only knew what I did in a day. Well, perhaps, after these postings, they will. But, I do know that only a few people read them now. HA! It is a safe place to write my feelings down. It was very funny how PM had told me the last couple of weeks ago for me to "talk to someone". I have been quiet and that scared him, I suppose. But, there have been many things that have been going on. Silence is a good thing. It can be used to rely upon when the emotions are so bogged down. It is not a bad thing. It actually is a very normal and healthy compensation. I just do that again! It was interesting to see the response.

So, I am tired. I am looking forward to some sleep and getting my bedroom in order. I have several knitted and crocheted projects nearly complete for donation. I am looking forward to the donation!

Pressing in. Pushing on. Beginning more.