Well, it has been some time since I have posted last. There have been a lot of things happening that have kept me busy and not able to post. I am sure that many of you have been wondering "where is this girl"? Well, here I am back at it and this is now just a stretch of the legs.
I was re-diagnosed in May of 2014. While looking back at the postings, I can see just how much of a stretch it has been. I have been through a lot of doctors' offices and one thing that was so important was to fire the old doctor. I have a new one and he is pretty green around the ears, but he is also a good doctor. I really make my worth!
It has been over two years now since the diagnosis, and like the first time around, it seems like it was just yesterday. In some ways, it sure is. I get to have multiple blood draws; multiple CT scans, a lot of medical office visits and a lot more troubles with medical staff than I would really like to say. But, in the short and tall of it, I am in remission. That is a fantastic word to say. REMISSION!
More to share later. I am one tired woman and I am looking forward to sharing more.
What new things have I been up too? How is this different from the last one? Well, I did not have to do chemo. That will never happen again!
We say!?!
Looking out. Looking in. Listening loudly.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Friday, May 3, 2013
My long days that seem to continue
The days are long again. I have had strength enough to just get up and get the basics done. I am tired. I have had a migraine again for a week now and it has been exhausting me more than what I would even like to admit. I have been told that I am a strong woman; but, I do not feel like it. I go to work with this and no one knows how much I am tired and cannot endure much more. Yesterday, I drove to the airport when I had no strength in me to do it. But, I did it. I am not sure if I can do the return trip to pick the person up. This exhausted me more than I could say.
The time that I need to devout to homework is dwindling and I am frustrated once again. I have been able to get accommodations from the school to get my homework in late so that I would not lose points. But, this term, I have a professor who does not recognize what that accommodation is and has embarrassed me in front of the whole class. This point, I am uncertain about the remainder of the term. I have been working hard to get this far and it seems that the harder that I push, the harder it gets. The migraines that I get since chemo are just, at times, more than I have ever imagined. But, I have to keep going. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to the day that I have some more rest and I do not have to answer the phone.
My bills are catching up with me as well. I am one month behind in everything and catching up is going to cost me more in the long run. I am working diligently on all of my things and finances. I am working hard on getting all of this done. It looks like this month I will be needing to beg for money for my rent. I hate having to do that but it is what I will be needing to do.
I need not to be stressed. It does not help when I am that stressed. This type of stress only exacerbates me. I need to be working on my exercises. I hate being home and I hate being around the place. After everything that has been going on, I just do not find my home a place of solace. I do look forward to better days.
The new church that I have been attending has been good. It helps out a lot and I am supposed to get a support phone call from one of the ladies from church. But, that has not happened yet. I have spoken to PJ (yea, another one of those) and he says that he has already reminded the gal. I wonder. I am not going to worry. My head hurts from the constant pain. My everything has been so hard lately. I look forward to being able to just relax and to not have everything bother me so much. If my head did not hurt as much, then I would be able to be in a better mood. I am looking forward. It will be good.
Looking forward. Always hoping. Seeking solace.
The time that I need to devout to homework is dwindling and I am frustrated once again. I have been able to get accommodations from the school to get my homework in late so that I would not lose points. But, this term, I have a professor who does not recognize what that accommodation is and has embarrassed me in front of the whole class. This point, I am uncertain about the remainder of the term. I have been working hard to get this far and it seems that the harder that I push, the harder it gets. The migraines that I get since chemo are just, at times, more than I have ever imagined. But, I have to keep going. I am looking forward to more. I am looking forward to the day that I have some more rest and I do not have to answer the phone.
My bills are catching up with me as well. I am one month behind in everything and catching up is going to cost me more in the long run. I am working diligently on all of my things and finances. I am working hard on getting all of this done. It looks like this month I will be needing to beg for money for my rent. I hate having to do that but it is what I will be needing to do.
I need not to be stressed. It does not help when I am that stressed. This type of stress only exacerbates me. I need to be working on my exercises. I hate being home and I hate being around the place. After everything that has been going on, I just do not find my home a place of solace. I do look forward to better days.
The new church that I have been attending has been good. It helps out a lot and I am supposed to get a support phone call from one of the ladies from church. But, that has not happened yet. I have spoken to PJ (yea, another one of those) and he says that he has already reminded the gal. I wonder. I am not going to worry. My head hurts from the constant pain. My everything has been so hard lately. I look forward to being able to just relax and to not have everything bother me so much. If my head did not hurt as much, then I would be able to be in a better mood. I am looking forward. It will be good.
Looking forward. Always hoping. Seeking solace.
Friday, April 26, 2013
Walking in a dust storm
I have been walking in a dust storm with so much more being tossed up in my eyes. I was at the doc's office again for some more things. Yes, complaints are always there. Since the beginning of the year, I have had the worst time with the flu and related things. I had had ear problems, bronchitis, migraines and the like. But, the ear troubles are what are bothering me the most. Despite pain reliever and the like, I have had the most frustrating of times. At times, my side of my jaw, my face, my neck and throat that has been hurting me. When I drink cold or hot beverages, I can feel it in my throat as well as in my ear. Today, eating dinner, I could tell how much it hurt by just drinking some hot coffee. So, the next procedure that will be done will be a scope up my nose and down the back of my throat. This is not going to be a whole lot of fun. I am not looking forward to this. When I had asked the doc what he had thought, he was uncertain about what it was; but, I think that he suspects what it might be. He wanted to do this procedure in the office right then, but I did not want it completed. I had to explain to him that things are so much more different after chemo. I am redefined. I had told him about the last time that I had taken the car through the drive through to get washed. I was more claustrophobic than usual. I had to put the air conditioner on and turn the music up more to help with the anxiety. Now? I take a little anxiety meds prior to a procedure. When I had expressed this to the doc and asked if he got it, he sure did. That is so comforting to know that someone else understands what it means to be a little different after chemo.
In the lighter side of the storm, the kiddo is now in foster care until 18. All is quiet on this side of the world. More to share on another day.
Needing water.
In the lighter side of the storm, the kiddo is now in foster care until 18. All is quiet on this side of the world. More to share on another day.
Needing water.
Friday, April 19, 2013
Gearing up ... working toward
I am so tired and frustrated. It seems that there is always something going on. I have been reading through my blogs to see the progression of things and I am amazed at just all the events that have been going on. Do you believe it? When I hear that someone has been diagnosed with breast cancer, I get really upset. Yes, it is very tragic to be diagnosed with anything. Breast cancer is just a small portion of the diagnoses out there. I am looking back at the past several years and see just how difficult the days have been. I get up in the morning and try to keep focused on the day. I set a goal on what I want to avoid and accomplish at the same time. Odd I should keep an avoidance list. What do I want to avoid? I want to avoid discussing anything that is really going on at all. I do not seem to be discussing these matters with the right group of people. Yes, the personal events that have been going on in my private world would be anything less than horrific.
The kiddo is out of the home again for the remainder of the year. She is back in the CHINS and this time, the second time around, is not as difficult. My plate ... is more than full. It is cracked! It feels more like a picnic plate and it is bending under all the weight. When I look back at all the many months, I wonder exactly how I did it. I really wonder. There have been so many days where I have had to look at just getting past the day to get to the evening. Then there have been days where I have had to look at just getting past the morning to the afternoon and then day to day. The events of the days have been so difficult and so frustrating. I have seen days that have been steeped in chemo--worry, stress unimaginable, wanting to sleep so badly but having to work and drive home. The days where my stress has been so powerfully high that I wished I could have stopped breathing because it was so hard to breathe. The times that I would email PM and just needed for everything to stop. The kiddo! I have not made it very clear about the things that she has done. This is so hard.
My kiddo told me something a few weeks ago: When I was going through the chemo days, my kiddo would slip out at night and disappear all night long and then come back just before I would get up. During the darkest and deepest of neediest of days, she would take off. This is not just teen-age years; this is something worse than that. I saw her being the most hurtful and hateful in her life. The things that she would say to me were so foul; the arguments that were made; the door slamming events and the like. Whenever I would confront her, she would be hostile and angry. To confront her about her behavior was impossible. In order for me to live with her, I would have to say nothing to her. The days of such stress and tension in the home because of not having any possible release from what was going on. The combined difficulty of chemo and working three jobs was enough to put me under. There were days where I wanted to be put under because it was too much for me to bear. Oddly enough, I am tough as nails, but this has only served to do one more thing--make me tougher and a little more determined.
Because my kiddo had refused to go to school toward the end of my chemo and radiation days, this got her kicked out of school. She refused to go back and had run away from home shortly after that. She would slowly not come home at curfew and would do everything she could to not come home. She started smoking cigarettes, drink, smoke marijuana and was selling drugs to help with her habit. Any effort to discuss this with her was met with hostility and anger where she would hit the walls, yell, slam doors and use incredibly foul language. At one point, she would call me the worst possible names ever--I do not think that I will forget them any time soon. For the longest time, she made me feel as though I was the center of her problems; I have come to a long, long conclusion that I have not been. But, the matters in the home were so horrible. Things really did not improve much when I had to call the police on her and to have her listed as a runaway so many times. The discussion in the home, because of this, had to be minimal.
When I would discuss these matters with PM and PD, it got too much for them. The stress of my home life transferred to theirs was too much. After all my chemo was done, PM had said to me, "now that all that is done, you are better now." Well, the stress of the home was not gone and things were just gearing up. Little did I know just how much that was gearing up. Why am I sharing this? I have to release this some how. My support system has been dwindling down again and I have to open up to share this. The intensity of things in my home have been so much that not many can handle this. Amazing. Then, HOW! AM I supposed to handle all of this if they cannot? This is truly a test of my faith. I have to rely upon the LORD. Yes, the one that really can do all things. But, what others neglect to understand is that we are placed upon this planet for a reason. We are to listen to one another and to help out when needed. It is important to do so.
I have been attending a new church because of PM. But, I am very cautious about sharing there as well. It is intense to come into a new church and just unload. I do not want to do that and I have been not wanting to share anymore. I must get through all of this without opening too much of this. How are others to comprehend what is going on? How can others understand just how hard it is at times? And, when others are having a great difficulty with their life, who are they to go to? Yea, that is right. Who are they to go to?
Toward the end of last term, I had had it out with one of my other "friends". We no longer talk and it has been nearly two months since I have shared anything. Reason? I was told that I was using this cancer as a crutch; I was told that the complications after this chemo were not true and that I needed to just get over it. Too, the foul language was just too much. I do not care for the language and so, I chose to walk away. But, it was continued when it was put on Facebook and for all to see! These blogs are designed for all to see; true, but this is at my own willingness to share and to disclose appropriately. That is what blogging is all about. I do like this and have shared some of the deepest of things to people that I have never met, never will meet, and who knows who else.
I have had to work so much. My body hurts from strain from work. My wrists, shoulders and elbows hurt very much. Well, funny stuff huh. There has been so much going on for years, but that is something else. In 2008, the kiddo had her gallbladder out. In 2008, I had had carpul tunnel surgery in my left hand. This was job related and was on workman's compensation. Then, back to work in February of 2010, found my lump in June of 2010 and then it has been a financial rollercoaster since then and with all this other stuff [?] has been incredibly stressful. This other friend had said to me some time ago last term that cancer and stress are not good. Ya think? I did not sign up for this at all; but, I am glad that the days keep going. I am very stressed and would love a vacation.
Looking. Hoping. Waiting.
The kiddo is out of the home again for the remainder of the year. She is back in the CHINS and this time, the second time around, is not as difficult. My plate ... is more than full. It is cracked! It feels more like a picnic plate and it is bending under all the weight. When I look back at all the many months, I wonder exactly how I did it. I really wonder. There have been so many days where I have had to look at just getting past the day to get to the evening. Then there have been days where I have had to look at just getting past the morning to the afternoon and then day to day. The events of the days have been so difficult and so frustrating. I have seen days that have been steeped in chemo--worry, stress unimaginable, wanting to sleep so badly but having to work and drive home. The days where my stress has been so powerfully high that I wished I could have stopped breathing because it was so hard to breathe. The times that I would email PM and just needed for everything to stop. The kiddo! I have not made it very clear about the things that she has done. This is so hard.
My kiddo told me something a few weeks ago: When I was going through the chemo days, my kiddo would slip out at night and disappear all night long and then come back just before I would get up. During the darkest and deepest of neediest of days, she would take off. This is not just teen-age years; this is something worse than that. I saw her being the most hurtful and hateful in her life. The things that she would say to me were so foul; the arguments that were made; the door slamming events and the like. Whenever I would confront her, she would be hostile and angry. To confront her about her behavior was impossible. In order for me to live with her, I would have to say nothing to her. The days of such stress and tension in the home because of not having any possible release from what was going on. The combined difficulty of chemo and working three jobs was enough to put me under. There were days where I wanted to be put under because it was too much for me to bear. Oddly enough, I am tough as nails, but this has only served to do one more thing--make me tougher and a little more determined.
Because my kiddo had refused to go to school toward the end of my chemo and radiation days, this got her kicked out of school. She refused to go back and had run away from home shortly after that. She would slowly not come home at curfew and would do everything she could to not come home. She started smoking cigarettes, drink, smoke marijuana and was selling drugs to help with her habit. Any effort to discuss this with her was met with hostility and anger where she would hit the walls, yell, slam doors and use incredibly foul language. At one point, she would call me the worst possible names ever--I do not think that I will forget them any time soon. For the longest time, she made me feel as though I was the center of her problems; I have come to a long, long conclusion that I have not been. But, the matters in the home were so horrible. Things really did not improve much when I had to call the police on her and to have her listed as a runaway so many times. The discussion in the home, because of this, had to be minimal.
When I would discuss these matters with PM and PD, it got too much for them. The stress of my home life transferred to theirs was too much. After all my chemo was done, PM had said to me, "now that all that is done, you are better now." Well, the stress of the home was not gone and things were just gearing up. Little did I know just how much that was gearing up. Why am I sharing this? I have to release this some how. My support system has been dwindling down again and I have to open up to share this. The intensity of things in my home have been so much that not many can handle this. Amazing. Then, HOW! AM I supposed to handle all of this if they cannot? This is truly a test of my faith. I have to rely upon the LORD. Yes, the one that really can do all things. But, what others neglect to understand is that we are placed upon this planet for a reason. We are to listen to one another and to help out when needed. It is important to do so.
I have been attending a new church because of PM. But, I am very cautious about sharing there as well. It is intense to come into a new church and just unload. I do not want to do that and I have been not wanting to share anymore. I must get through all of this without opening too much of this. How are others to comprehend what is going on? How can others understand just how hard it is at times? And, when others are having a great difficulty with their life, who are they to go to? Yea, that is right. Who are they to go to?
Toward the end of last term, I had had it out with one of my other "friends". We no longer talk and it has been nearly two months since I have shared anything. Reason? I was told that I was using this cancer as a crutch; I was told that the complications after this chemo were not true and that I needed to just get over it. Too, the foul language was just too much. I do not care for the language and so, I chose to walk away. But, it was continued when it was put on Facebook and for all to see! These blogs are designed for all to see; true, but this is at my own willingness to share and to disclose appropriately. That is what blogging is all about. I do like this and have shared some of the deepest of things to people that I have never met, never will meet, and who knows who else.
I have had to work so much. My body hurts from strain from work. My wrists, shoulders and elbows hurt very much. Well, funny stuff huh. There has been so much going on for years, but that is something else. In 2008, the kiddo had her gallbladder out. In 2008, I had had carpul tunnel surgery in my left hand. This was job related and was on workman's compensation. Then, back to work in February of 2010, found my lump in June of 2010 and then it has been a financial rollercoaster since then and with all this other stuff [?] has been incredibly stressful. This other friend had said to me some time ago last term that cancer and stress are not good. Ya think? I did not sign up for this at all; but, I am glad that the days keep going. I am very stressed and would love a vacation.
Looking. Hoping. Waiting.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
What to say is not always enough
When others ask me questions about how I am feeling, I am not sure what to say. In my experience, I thought that during the chemo days, people really wanted to know. But, do they really want to know? When is it a good time to be able to express my thoughts to someone when the time is really needful of that? I am learning to understand this more and more.
As I look back in retrospect, it was both a mixed blessing as well as a curse that I had shared. I look back and wonder why I could not have stayed home and survived this chemo by myself. No. That would have been a death sentence for me. I could not have been able to sit at home, endure what I had to endure. What upsets me now, after so long is that I get angry with myself for contacting people who really do not want to know what is going on. For example, PMB has indicated that "I have been at this for two years now". For a person in charge of spiritual leadership, it is a comment that is wicked and evil. The amount of guilt and anger that I bear because he did not want to know any more what was going on is just too hard at times. Is that my fault? No, but the feeling has been created. So much has happened during this past three years since the diagnosis. I can see how long, now, that I have been writing this blog. I am very pleased that I have started this and for others to understand that the dynamics behind the cancer patient are very involved. I am curious, to see just how other chemo patients have endured through all of their care and treatment. My support for all of this has dwindled.
I am looking. I am seeking. I am still hoping.
As I look back in retrospect, it was both a mixed blessing as well as a curse that I had shared. I look back and wonder why I could not have stayed home and survived this chemo by myself. No. That would have been a death sentence for me. I could not have been able to sit at home, endure what I had to endure. What upsets me now, after so long is that I get angry with myself for contacting people who really do not want to know what is going on. For example, PMB has indicated that "I have been at this for two years now". For a person in charge of spiritual leadership, it is a comment that is wicked and evil. The amount of guilt and anger that I bear because he did not want to know any more what was going on is just too hard at times. Is that my fault? No, but the feeling has been created. So much has happened during this past three years since the diagnosis. I can see how long, now, that I have been writing this blog. I am very pleased that I have started this and for others to understand that the dynamics behind the cancer patient are very involved. I am curious, to see just how other chemo patients have endured through all of their care and treatment. My support for all of this has dwindled.
I am looking. I am seeking. I am still hoping.
The continuing saga ... of
Today was a day that I did not want to deal with. I have many of those and the greatest comfort of all is knowing that I am not alone in all of this. Today, my kiddo moved out completely to foster, again. One of the issues that we had addressed when she moved back in was that she was not to go through my belongings and I would not do that of hers. But, as I was cleaning up her room and packing up her things, then I could see that she had many of my belongings in with her stuff. This made me very irate. For the first time in a very, very long time, I was able to raise my voice to her in front of the counselor and to express to her that I did not appreciate that she had completed this. I had expressed to the counselor, many times, that if I were to confront my kiddo, there would be a whole lot of anger, door slamming, foul language and the like that would be exchanged. Nothing has changed. Not a single bit.
This week, I had had a conversation with one of the other counselors associated with the kiddo's care. The health insurance has been messed up for some time and because of that, the kiddo has not been able to be seen. Well! This is a topic of discussion that really hikes my hiney. Yea, it really does. Insurance has been an issue for me for so long. When I was diagnosed with this mess, I did not have insurance. I had to complete applications for charity and it was a mess. Then anxious days that I had had surrounding all of this was truly incredible. (I have had days of such stress; the days that I did not have hair, it would have made my hair white! from the lack of help.).
One thing that really gets me is the lack of help that I have had during all of this. I have muddled through for such a long time that I am so tired of having to constantly address all of this once again. Again, and again, and again. I had to push for all of my own care. I had to educate people along the way. I had to press in with things that were not considered to be of an importance. I remember PM/MB saying when I told him that we needed to start talking--"why do we need to start talking". Well, the amount of ignorance on behalf of all of this is just unreal. And this is just the same thing that I cannot appreciate once again. When the matters of the packing and the kiddo moving out came up again, all the counselor had to say was "this is why you are not cohabitating". Well, first of all, "cohabitate" is referred to adults in a relationship. Secondly, this is a minor and an adult. Lastly, "huh"? The matters at hand are a result of the child in crisis. But, no. Let us sanction the parent who went through a severe medical crisis without the help of anyone beside her. Am I just a little upset? Certianly I am. Just a little.
It is amazing how we have jaded the whole aspect of individual responsibility. There was no discussion of how the kiddo had stolen from me; rather, it was "this is why ... ". And the matters of taking things from the adult was not mentioned; I did call the PO and that may be approached. Will it matter once again? Probably not. This child must learn. Even so, the counselor must learn as well. If there is going to be a discussion of taking things from the parent, it should be done right away. For it to be dismissed, then that should be addressed as well. I am not a one to be in the mood for dismissal. I cannot trust the kiddo now and I will not be willing to trust the kiddo any time soon.
There will be discussion once again for the kiddo to come visit. I am so very angry that the matter of visitation is a difficult topic. Boy, do I need a lot of prayer!
So, to vent with respect to what the kiddo did? JC is not that much of a help anymore. The last time I had spoken, he had asked, "why are you still allowing this to bother you?" This is unkind and heartless. Working to harden my heart against all these matters is wrong. I really do believe that it is time to send him out out to pasture. ARG! So, now what to do? Continue with what I have been doing. I need to take care and caution about migraines and to get my rest, stay warm and to continue to take good care of myself. I have been working a lot of grave shifts and I need to get my sleep. I am so looking forward to the weekend. I am so tired.
Looking. Hoping. Just plain upset.
This week, I had had a conversation with one of the other counselors associated with the kiddo's care. The health insurance has been messed up for some time and because of that, the kiddo has not been able to be seen. Well! This is a topic of discussion that really hikes my hiney. Yea, it really does. Insurance has been an issue for me for so long. When I was diagnosed with this mess, I did not have insurance. I had to complete applications for charity and it was a mess. Then anxious days that I had had surrounding all of this was truly incredible. (I have had days of such stress; the days that I did not have hair, it would have made my hair white! from the lack of help.).
One thing that really gets me is the lack of help that I have had during all of this. I have muddled through for such a long time that I am so tired of having to constantly address all of this once again. Again, and again, and again. I had to push for all of my own care. I had to educate people along the way. I had to press in with things that were not considered to be of an importance. I remember PM/MB saying when I told him that we needed to start talking--"why do we need to start talking". Well, the amount of ignorance on behalf of all of this is just unreal. And this is just the same thing that I cannot appreciate once again. When the matters of the packing and the kiddo moving out came up again, all the counselor had to say was "this is why you are not cohabitating". Well, first of all, "cohabitate" is referred to adults in a relationship. Secondly, this is a minor and an adult. Lastly, "huh"? The matters at hand are a result of the child in crisis. But, no. Let us sanction the parent who went through a severe medical crisis without the help of anyone beside her. Am I just a little upset? Certianly I am. Just a little.
It is amazing how we have jaded the whole aspect of individual responsibility. There was no discussion of how the kiddo had stolen from me; rather, it was "this is why ... ". And the matters of taking things from the adult was not mentioned; I did call the PO and that may be approached. Will it matter once again? Probably not. This child must learn. Even so, the counselor must learn as well. If there is going to be a discussion of taking things from the parent, it should be done right away. For it to be dismissed, then that should be addressed as well. I am not a one to be in the mood for dismissal. I cannot trust the kiddo now and I will not be willing to trust the kiddo any time soon.
There will be discussion once again for the kiddo to come visit. I am so very angry that the matter of visitation is a difficult topic. Boy, do I need a lot of prayer!
So, to vent with respect to what the kiddo did? JC is not that much of a help anymore. The last time I had spoken, he had asked, "why are you still allowing this to bother you?" This is unkind and heartless. Working to harden my heart against all these matters is wrong. I really do believe that it is time to send him out out to pasture. ARG! So, now what to do? Continue with what I have been doing. I need to take care and caution about migraines and to get my rest, stay warm and to continue to take good care of myself. I have been working a lot of grave shifts and I need to get my sleep. I am so looking forward to the weekend. I am so tired.
Looking. Hoping. Just plain upset.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Friendships
To much of my dismay, there have been many changes to my friendships. Just within the last several weeks, I have had to evaluate the meaning of some of my friendships. It is amazing on how much some people do not understand about what goes on in the life of chemo patient. I have never hated cancer more than what I have been experiencing. The life this cancer has given me has really changed the tomography of my life. While I am out of treatment and not in any treatment at this time, I have experienced so much stress, heartache and headache. Someone said to me, "stress and cancer do not go together". Well, really? Not to sound sarcastic, but that is a given. Much like any other disease, stress is a big enemy. So, what do you do? How do you alleviate all stress? Can you?
From the very beginning of this diagnosis, I have had to live with incredible stress. The matters of my child running all around and doing the things that she did, which resulted in her removal from the home was more stress than what I could even indicate. I worked three jobs and continued with my everyday life. Did I want this? Did I want to rest and relax? I wanted all of this to go away and it did not. Presently, there is still so much going on. Where do I start? My friendships have been evaluated for certain. I have had to evaluate the purpose of my friendships and have had to keep these matters to myself. In fact, one person had taken upon herself to tell me that she had never known anyone to have to be worried about what to eat or any other physical problems after chemo. Yea, like this is a cake walk. I do not think that anyone who has gone through chemo would say that it was easy. While I only went through 6 treatments, the difficulty was nonetheless all that much more frustrating and trying on me.
What must I evaluate? I have lost friendships in this cancer walk. I have lost so much in this cancer walk that it does get to be very difficult to talk about. When I discuss what has been going on with others, they just do not believe what has happened. But, even more so, I have been told that I should continue to discuss this with others as minimally as possible. Yet, on the other hand, I have heard other cancer survivors say that they discuss it with as many people that they know. I cannot even imagine telling others about my cancer walk. My hair has grown back and it has a cute little style. But, even more so, I hate talking to others about it because it has taken such a toll on my life that I do not want to be shared. I do not want others to have any idea about the difficulties I have had to endure. And, they are not gone. They are here.
This past weekend, my kiddo was placed in another Child in Need Services (CHINS). Because of her apparent substance abuse, her inability to take care of herself, her lack of willingness to meet her appointments and her continued behavior of blowing smoke up others' skirts, she is in foster again. Does anyone really understand how I feel? Can I really share how my thoughts are? Does anyone really want to know just how upsetting it is to know that while I was in my darkest of days, she would be out running the streets doing whatever she wanted?
One time a couple weeks back, I had noticed on her hip some bruising. It looked like she had had someone grab at her clothes and they were the equivalent of rug burns. But, it looked like rough sex. To think that my child, whom I did not raise to have drugs or alcohol or cigarettes in the home, does that. I never brought boyfriends home and she never had to listen to me have sex with anyone, let alone for drugs and money. I have always been responsible for my behavior and continued with professionalism. I have gone to school and worked. Now? What is going on? I have had to peel friends away. Then again, if this person was a friend, then this person would not have said the unimaginable things that they had said.
We had had a counselor come to our home. This was interesting. She was green--not very experienced. I had expressed this and BOY! did I get a firestorm of foul language from my "friend". Never should anyone have to hear such language like that. But then again, this is what we do. We like having our adulthood and being able to cuss and swear to the point of utter embarrassment. This should never be. We are adults and there should never be the rationalization of such behavior. It is embarrassing. It is shameful.
My days are long and difficult still. Not as they were before. But, the memories of everything are still so alive. These days are so hard knowing that my kiddo has been removed. When I think about going home, I hate it. The apartment is a mess that has been left behind from her. I have had to work a lot of hours and I am behind in bills. I look forward to a good deep clean. No, I do not live like a pig; but, the place has been neglected. I have been working to get chores done that the kiddo was supposed to do. So, I have to get caught up on these things. Last week, the kiddo was in juvie. Now, she is out of the home. The kiddo's bedroom is so foul smelling it is enough to make me sick. But, that is what it is. Her clothes will be packed up today and from there, I will be getting the room cleaned. I have to clean the carpet. She was smoking in that room while I was to bed or she was at home. And to think that I have to pay for such damages to the unit. I have been there for nearly 8 years; the chances of being charged a whole lot is small. Just the same, things are very challenging. I have to clean, clean, clean. I look forward to a clean home where there is very little mess. I can keep up on my stuff; but, having a child around that does not help out is touch.
The days are long; but, they will get better. It has been nearly two months since I have spoken to the friend. One of which had posted very bad comments on Facebook. This is not ok. So, I blocked this person. It is what it is. I will do that to whomever. It is very shameful that people should act this way. But, when they do, a blocking I will go!
Looking. Thinking. Blocking.
From the very beginning of this diagnosis, I have had to live with incredible stress. The matters of my child running all around and doing the things that she did, which resulted in her removal from the home was more stress than what I could even indicate. I worked three jobs and continued with my everyday life. Did I want this? Did I want to rest and relax? I wanted all of this to go away and it did not. Presently, there is still so much going on. Where do I start? My friendships have been evaluated for certain. I have had to evaluate the purpose of my friendships and have had to keep these matters to myself. In fact, one person had taken upon herself to tell me that she had never known anyone to have to be worried about what to eat or any other physical problems after chemo. Yea, like this is a cake walk. I do not think that anyone who has gone through chemo would say that it was easy. While I only went through 6 treatments, the difficulty was nonetheless all that much more frustrating and trying on me.
What must I evaluate? I have lost friendships in this cancer walk. I have lost so much in this cancer walk that it does get to be very difficult to talk about. When I discuss what has been going on with others, they just do not believe what has happened. But, even more so, I have been told that I should continue to discuss this with others as minimally as possible. Yet, on the other hand, I have heard other cancer survivors say that they discuss it with as many people that they know. I cannot even imagine telling others about my cancer walk. My hair has grown back and it has a cute little style. But, even more so, I hate talking to others about it because it has taken such a toll on my life that I do not want to be shared. I do not want others to have any idea about the difficulties I have had to endure. And, they are not gone. They are here.
This past weekend, my kiddo was placed in another Child in Need Services (CHINS). Because of her apparent substance abuse, her inability to take care of herself, her lack of willingness to meet her appointments and her continued behavior of blowing smoke up others' skirts, she is in foster again. Does anyone really understand how I feel? Can I really share how my thoughts are? Does anyone really want to know just how upsetting it is to know that while I was in my darkest of days, she would be out running the streets doing whatever she wanted?
One time a couple weeks back, I had noticed on her hip some bruising. It looked like she had had someone grab at her clothes and they were the equivalent of rug burns. But, it looked like rough sex. To think that my child, whom I did not raise to have drugs or alcohol or cigarettes in the home, does that. I never brought boyfriends home and she never had to listen to me have sex with anyone, let alone for drugs and money. I have always been responsible for my behavior and continued with professionalism. I have gone to school and worked. Now? What is going on? I have had to peel friends away. Then again, if this person was a friend, then this person would not have said the unimaginable things that they had said.
We had had a counselor come to our home. This was interesting. She was green--not very experienced. I had expressed this and BOY! did I get a firestorm of foul language from my "friend". Never should anyone have to hear such language like that. But then again, this is what we do. We like having our adulthood and being able to cuss and swear to the point of utter embarrassment. This should never be. We are adults and there should never be the rationalization of such behavior. It is embarrassing. It is shameful.
My days are long and difficult still. Not as they were before. But, the memories of everything are still so alive. These days are so hard knowing that my kiddo has been removed. When I think about going home, I hate it. The apartment is a mess that has been left behind from her. I have had to work a lot of hours and I am behind in bills. I look forward to a good deep clean. No, I do not live like a pig; but, the place has been neglected. I have been working to get chores done that the kiddo was supposed to do. So, I have to get caught up on these things. Last week, the kiddo was in juvie. Now, she is out of the home. The kiddo's bedroom is so foul smelling it is enough to make me sick. But, that is what it is. Her clothes will be packed up today and from there, I will be getting the room cleaned. I have to clean the carpet. She was smoking in that room while I was to bed or she was at home. And to think that I have to pay for such damages to the unit. I have been there for nearly 8 years; the chances of being charged a whole lot is small. Just the same, things are very challenging. I have to clean, clean, clean. I look forward to a clean home where there is very little mess. I can keep up on my stuff; but, having a child around that does not help out is touch.
The days are long; but, they will get better. It has been nearly two months since I have spoken to the friend. One of which had posted very bad comments on Facebook. This is not ok. So, I blocked this person. It is what it is. I will do that to whomever. It is very shameful that people should act this way. But, when they do, a blocking I will go!
Looking. Thinking. Blocking.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)