I am there again. I have another appointment for an MRI for my left breast. The pain and the discomfort has been so much that I have not been able to wear a bra. I have to say, this is getting quite old. This discomfort has been existing for several weeks; I was able to get into the appointment rather quickly. I am considered as "high risk" for the type of cancer that I had. At my age and my history of Polycystic Ovary Syndrome (PCOS), I am high risk. So, I have expressed to the nurse that I need to have a sedative for the procedure. I will be in the MRI for a bit. There will be a contrast needed and then from there, imagery of my breast. What the doc is looking for specifically is under the scar and to determine if there i sanything else going on. I was told that the pain could be one of many things--the surgical procedure itself; the exercises that I have been doing; some cancer cells that did not get "killed" from before. I will not accept that any cancer cells did not get seen. I just will not accept that.
The procedure is enough for me at this point. I know that I have a lot of people praying for me and looking out for me now. Now. Hard to say that. After such a long, long time, it is hard to believe that others are there for me. I have prayed for it and I have believed for it. Oh, how much has gone in with the family situation. I just do not know where to begin.
The kiddo. So much to say about her. She was kicked out of the foster placement and now in a new placement. From what I do understand, the placement is not good. The chances of smoking and stuff being done again is really good. The counseling appointments have been placed on hold for the time being. I sure wish I knew what was going on. I cannot even go to see her. There are times that I miss her beyond my own breathe; but, I realize that I cannot withstand her behavior. I will not put up with the drugs, alcohol, sex, and smoking. She has been out of control for some time.
What I really hate the most is hiding a lot of this from so many. With all of what has been going on, it is hard to just open and share. How do I share? How do I just say "by the way..." I keep it from work, of course. I keep it from as many as I can. How do I share? How do I say what needs to be done? Not many can possibly understand what has been going on. I am careful to not get involved with too much that might require an explanation. I try not to get involved with things that people might want to get to know me. How do I explain what has been going on? I have been so emotionally needy and demanding. How anyone has survived me during this difficult time. Oh, how the days have been so difficult.
I try to keep myself busy with things. I try hard to not think about what is going on. It makes it easier in the day to not think about her. I have been thinking of taking her pix down and just packing them away so I do not have to be reminded. I am trying to change a lot in the home to take the reminders down and away. I miss her like I miss my heartbeat. But during this time, I look forward to more ease and less reminders. I look forward and not to the side or behind me. I have to not be distracted by what has been going on. It is hard. With the balance of the kiddo and the medical, it is still very difficult. Everyone thinks that it is that easy. It really is not. I just make crisis look normal.
I shaved my head again. Keeping it short because I have broken out with rashes and stuff in my scalp. As much as I want my hair to grow, I am concerned about the rash coming back again and again. I am so eager to look normal again. So many people are looking and I need to keep my head covered from the looks. I hate the looks. I have been told to not let it bother me. I hate it very much. I hate having to be working to not have things bother me. I hate things bothering me. I want peace from the burden. So, I will be keeping away from some people and will not be sharing a whole lot with others. I am so tired of it all. I am looking forward to change. Good change. I am looking forward to a vacation.
Looking forward. Seeking onward. Reaching carefully.
